Need advice

[Orangewallpurplebrick]

So on Thursday my partner decided he wanted to drink, he’s an alcoholic. So I sent the kids to there granparents feeling defeated I drank aswell, the night was going well and then he flipped smashing the windows hitting me tried to stab me attacked the dog etc he was remanded in prison. He has since phoned me and said he is willing to do anything and everything to change and that he is an alcholic he accepts he has these issues. But this is not the first time, I said the first time why did you not get help and he said he was deluded with drink and drugs. We have kids together, I don’t know what to do any advice is welcome

You do not let him back.

He goes away and deals with his addiction.

Protect your DC from living with him full time.

I am answering phone calls and stuff, do I stay in the realtionship whilst he is in there when he’s sorting himself out?

You leave. Protect your children and yourself (and your poor dog).

He can deal with his addiction on his own, he's proven himself to be unsafe to be around for you, and you absolutely must put the safety and wellbeing of your children first here.

Personally I would end it.

You don't need to divorce yet but you need financial separation. He will need to stay sober for YEARS before I'd consider having a relationship beyond co-parenting.

Stop answering his calls.
End things asap.

Send him a letter telling him it's over. A non lengthy letter..Do not tell him where you are going. Make a copy of the letter, get delivery confirmations.

Call women's aid, or shelters, find a rehoming option, such as a rescue shelter for your poor furry baby asap.( you're in no position to keep him/her) take your kids and go to one asap.

File a protective order.
Once there, find the nearest lawyer and describe your situation. Also enroll in therapy or a support group..perhaps rehab also...if you have a drinking problem as well.

Don't go to family. He'll find you quickly and reel you back in..also think about the grandparents safety as well.

He is a raging abusive alcoholic.
It is your job as a parent to protect your children (and self) the best way that you possibly can.

Do not go back to him. Remove your children and the dog from this type of environment.

Don't believe his lies about changing.
Don't bail him out. Don't speak to him.

Now is the perfect time to gather up and go asap.

1. He'll kill you next time.

2. Stop thinking about your relationship and whether or not you should get back with this man and start thinking about creating a safe environment for your children.

That must have been terrifying OP. Personally I would leave the relationship while he is showing willingness to do recovery, and to not listen to him when he starts begging you to let him back in, telling you that you and the kids are the only reason why he is in this recovery, that he will do better etc, as most who have been with an alcoholic, me included, will know that the recovery is the hardest bit, and they must really want it. Not because of the family but for themselves. They can be so abusive, even off the alcohol so you need to stand by your kids and yourself. He is unlikely to success the 1st time, but it depends on his seriousness in his promise, or is this merely a tactic he has used on you before and is now aware he can manipulate his way back to you this way. Only you know.

You will need to be firm

If you don't take control of the situation, you risk losing custody of your children, your home, your job, and damaging your reputation. Additionally, there's a danger of harm to you, your children, dog, and grandparents if you don't leave. Also, it might be safer to avoid sending the children to the grandparents, as their father could take them without your consent.

The grandparents have lives and struggles. They no longer need to be involved in this...they can reenter your life if you improve things. Involving them in all of this drama...isn't fair on them.

I don’t have a drinking problem, he said what did I think would happen having alcohol in the house when I know he’s an alcoholic. I don’t know what to do; he’s the best guy ever when he’s sober

No chance. He won't change and you'll be back on here in a year asking for more advice because you've wasted yet another year of your life on a loser.

He is dangerous. He’s hit you, threatened you, tried to stab you, hurt your dog (next time one of your children?), smashed up your home. Somehow he made this your fault - you had alcohol in the house, so what did you expect? The VERY least you should expect is to be safe in your own home. That’s the baseline. You are not safe with him, certainly not when he’s decided to have a drink.

I am sure there are times when he’s a good partner, a good father. If he was a beast like this all of the time, you wouldn’t stay would you? I suspect when he’s being “nice” you get lulled into a sense of everything being ok - and of not wanting to rock the boat. That is trauma bonding and one of the reasons people stay in abusive relationships. The impact on you and your children is huge - however much you think you’re protecting them, you will not be able to completely shield them from this abuse. They need to know that they’re safe in their home too - and that mum is safe.

I am so glad you posted. But please, listen to the advice on here. You cannot save him - that’s not your responsibility. But you can save yourself.

I doubt Social Services would agree

Social services would agree with what? That I have a drinking problem🤣

No, you don't stay in the relationship. End of story.

That he's the 'best guy ever' when sober.

He hit you and tried to stab you, it should be an automatic end to the relationship.
He manages to keep himself together when he's not drinking, but that's not the real person.

Don't make the mistake of thinking you can save him by sticking by him, he needs to sort himself out alone.

I’m not sure the laughing face emoji is particularly appropriate here OP. People are trying to offer help and support. You’re so mired in the mess that you can’t see what others see. Childrens services will take a very dim view of you remaining in any kind of relationship with this man and may well consider that you’re not protecting your children. That’s just facts. Nothing funny about it.

Exactly this. It’s all very concerning.