Why does dating seem like hard work when you like someone

[Charlie12023]

Hello hello, I have recently become single again after a rather intense difficult clingy ex since December and feel ready to date as my heart was not necessarily into him in the end as I felt suffocated albeit nice enough guy!

So I met someone recently, he is the same age, own place, great job, separated since 2021 and going through divorce and seems very stable in himself and how he is in terms of his wants and needs for a committed relationship. Very different from my ex.

We have been chatting since 8 weeks and went out on a date/dinner last Friday which was lovely and chatted all night, honestly felt naturally like we had known each other for ages and so much in common, more so mentally and interests. We have since chatted all week and in all the weeks pretty much everyday met up again Saturday just gone for dinner/cinema and dog walk yesterday. All felt great....but...

He told me, its probably hard to meet up in the week as both so busy and this weekend he is taking his daughter away to his mum's as she lives in Devon which was booked up ages ago, which is a lovely thing to do, they go down there every 6 weeks!

What I have noticed, or maybe assumed is he hasnt since planned anything with myself or wanted to meet in the week prior, he only lives I would say 30mins away and he admits to love to drive and I am happy to drive down to him which I havent yet or he has agreed to.

.....he says he knows he can see a future with me and sees me long term...However you know your gut instinct kind of throws you and you think, I seem to be fitting in around his lifestyle here, I might not see him until 2 weeks, this isnt something I actually wanted or had before with my longer term in the past, (hopefully not expecting too much here) and he said dont you meet or date anyone else whilst I am away, (however for me I would like to feel more or at least plan forward for me to think no I dont want to date anyone else but for now, not too sure I am going to agree to this) so I didnt say anything. He could see I felt sad, I said well I can kind of feel something has shifted but happy to leave as is and see what happens, he has since sent loads of messages/ called saying he can see a future, blah blah and loads in common etc....but woke up thinking we will see until your actions change I will believe you.

He has only had 3 partners in his life all long term he is 50 and seems very genuine and gentle, Im just very wary, cautious and he said it would have been nice to come into your house or hopefully come in, but being the person I am, I dont allow anyone into my house unless I feel exclusive or at least comfortable to get to know that person enough however much he says he wants this or would like to. I said in the future yes but for now its too soon. He also said he would have loved to have invited me to Devon but its too soon and to meet his daughter, understandable as only dated 3 times and known him two months.

Just not too sure how to play this, im not the best at dating, but I have since pulled back which he can sense and I seem to be possibly over thinking but just not feeling in the flow since he hasnt suggested to meet up again and hes away this weekend, the only thing I can do is pull back myself which I have indeed done.

Any suggestions or just play it by ear, I am not great at being assertive/dating but I am independent and refuse to come across clingy either.

Why cant dating be easy lol

If you've been talking 6 weeks and met him once, I think it's a red flag that he's talking long term and seeing a future with you. I also think after 1 date it's a bit unusual that you're putting so much thought into it or worrying about why he hasn't made X plans with you. He probably hasn't made plans with you because he doesn't really know you and has other stuff he needs to sort out. It's weird he's talking about a future with you because again, he doesn't know you.

Did he mean it would be hard to meet up that week during the week or did he mean meeting up on week days would always be difficult?

Does he spend time with his child every other weekend?

Depending on those answers, it looks like you might see very little of him going forward.

Thank you for your response, he has said before when we first met he thinks meeting up in the week is too hard for us, but he didnt even ask me if it was, he made this decision already for me which I felt was not right. He said there is no structure with his daughter no, he sees her when he can at weekends, there is no set plan as his ex is rather unsettled in that way.

Personally, I wouldn’t date someone in his position because I would be looking for a relationship to develop where we would see each other two or three times a week and be able to plan weekend trips and activities that require booking.

It seems you are going to be slotted in around his life rather than becoming part of his life. And not just his life but his ex wife’s too if they don’t have an established routine?

Will you be happy with that?

Hi there, honestly no, which is something I am going to probably let him know about this week if I am brutally honest, you said it as I have been feeling and that is spot on, its not what I want either as I love to see someone more than once in the week and not just weekends or when it suits! thank you!

You’ll meet the right person. There are so many things we need to find out when we meet someone new to save wasting time with someone who is nice but not the right fit. At least you’re only weeks in and not several months. Good luck 🙂

I would end this. He's not offering to what you want.

He is either a lovely person who always puts his daughter first to the detriment of all others or he's got several women on the go and the relaxed schedule around his daughter is the perfect excuse to not see you or change plans at the last minute. It doesn't really matter what the true situation is the result is the same.

The fact he's talking long term plans after only a few weeks suggests future faking to keep you as an option.

I wouldn't waste anymore time on him.

Oh and dating isn't hard when you meet the right person and you're both on the same page.

He sounds still married and I wouldn't text a stranger so much because it builds up faux familiarity, you end up revealing too much too soon and things could get misunderstood. Besides, leave something to discuss on the date. I would rather a video chat than texts.
Saying he would like to come into your home is a red flag to me and I don't buy he can't call you for 20 minutes a day to say hi while he is away? It's giving me married man vibes. They always love it when the woman can host.

Scarcity can make you feel something is of more value to you than it really is. Is that what's happening here? He's saying I'm rarely available, no thoughts of compromise, so you're on edge about messing up even the small amount he's offering?

Meh. You need compatibility. Not only in terms of attraction, personality, geography but availability and how they like to conduct a relationship. He only wants to be available at weekends (and not reliably if he is with DD some of those) so how much will you actually see him? I think the 6 weeks chatting is much too long. That and the 'long term future' guff is false familiarity. I'd gracefully duck out and find someone with a) more availablity and b) who is less set in their ways.

Don't spend so long chatting in future. There are loads of blokes out there , especially those with busy or complicated lives, who just love having online or phone female company. It isn't actually getting to know them or building a relationship until you've met and are putting in the time in person.

Unless you meet at least once a week from the start, it isn't enough to sustain it.
At best he's offering once a week and only when he isn't busy, which in practice he will be for a lot of the possible weekends, so then it gets to 2 weeks.
I'd say anyone who says they can see a long term future after only 3 dates, is spouting BS to keep you hanging in there. He cannot possibly know it's a long term prospect.
Anyway, sounds like the infrequency of meets doesn't suit you, as it wouldn't most. It's also a red flag to date someone who does not have a set arrangement with DC time. It leads to cancelled dates and being unable to plan anything, meaning you are at there beck and call and fitted in when convenient.
He's also got a cheek saying not to date others, it would be wise to ignore that. Carry on with your own plans and life. Its only worth giving him the time of day when you are at a loose end maybe. So invest less, and hopefully meet a better prospect along the way. If he has a problem with that, tough, he should of put more effort in, nobody wants scraps.