Pushing me away

[Felic23]

Hi my partner of 10 years just recently lost his Dad. I lost my Mum a couple of yrs ago so know what an awful time it is.

We don't live together but in long term relationship 10yrs plus.
I saw him just after it had happened, stayed the night, comforted him, held him as he cried. A day or so later he popped over and I made lunch and had put together a little wellness package for him.
Since then (2 weeks ago) I haven't seen him due to illness.. norvirus at my work and he said he didn't want to risk giving it to his Mum and other family as he was seeing them every day, had 2 weeks off work.
The problem is he has been completely attacking me saying I'm a shit girlfriend and have offered no support, I'm no kind of woman, he doesn't expect anything of me anymore. He keeps telling me this is the worst time of his life but it's in a way that it's almost my fault, then he says things like I don't believe him?
I'm so confused, I keep reminding him it's been his choice not to see me. I've called and messaged every day, he has been cutting me off telling I don't understand how busy he is.

I get he is grieving and clearly taking it out on me but last night he said that there is no coming back from this. He said is seeing his family going for meals almost every day, he went out with friends last night. It's like he is able to be ok with everyone else but he is so angry with me saying some really hurtful things. He messaged yesterday saying you know my dad died and how heartbreaking that was for me. I've told you how I want to be supported so do it or don't.

I asked him a few days ago if he could be really clear about what support meant to him and I was confused as to what I was doing so wrong.

He wrote a list of things, make him a surprise picnic, take him to the cinema..that was the gist of it.
As I haven't been able to see him I don't see how I could. I'm a single parent and have been working crazy hours lately as I really need the money. He knows this, he has a lot more money then me. These last couple of months have been difficult for me financially. While he's out eating every night im watching every penny and exhausted from working so much. On top of that he's angry I haven't made him a surprise picnic or whatever.

I'm so confused about it all

He is hurt, and is dealing with his emotions by releasing them as anger, and has aimed that anger at you as you're the easiest target.

And that's a really, really shitty too g for him to do.

It is in these extreme situations that you see the true person. And you have now seen the true him, not the him with the socially acceptable veneer, who is perfectly happy with his life. When things go bad, he will take it out on you.

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them."

On top of that he's angry I haven't made him a surprise picnic or whatever.

Fuck sake, who does he think he is!

His behaviour is inexcusable. Bereavement isn't an excuse for being a self-obsessed AH. We all lose people we love, but we don't all take it out on our supposedly nearest and dearest,

Staying around him when he has that attitude, especially as he's quite capable of being civilised to other people, is akin to self-harm.

Id leave him to it, you have no obligation to put up with that.

@OrderOfTheKookaburra thanks for reading. Yes totally aiming at me. I just feel terrible as he keeps saying this is the worst time of his life and I've not been there for him. So I'm doubting myself and thinking I could have done more.

Don't doubt yourself, you are not in any way responsible for his misery.

we all wake up in the morning and choose our attitude.

He's chosen his, he's showing you who he really is.

Has he ever been like this before his dad died? Is this really out of character or does he have form for being entitled, demanding and cruel?

@daisychain01 thanks for reply. My Mum died 2 yrs ago. She was my only family me and my Son had. I don't remember him doing anything out the ordinary, he was a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. I didn't expect more than that.
He has his whole family around him. I am leaving him to it as I don't know where to go from here at the moment

@MiltonNorthern every now again he can be like this, tells me I'm not caring enough and I don't go out my way enough for him etc. he doesn't care that my life is much harder then his, it's not a competition but there is no understanding or support from him.