Self sabotage. How does one stop it?

[MessyNeate]

I left a very abusive ex H back in 2015. I left, with the clothes on my back and 3 DC in tow in the middle of a 3 year long degree, but I got my career out of it. Built my world up from nothing for me and the DC

A few years of finding myself. Online dating disasters.

I met my DP in 2020. We are happy. We are content. We have a very good life, we are equal. He treats me well, We didn't rush things, he's doesn't have DC. I do. We pooled resources and moved in together 18 months ago and we are currently mortgage free.

We are getting married within the next 12 months. Date is set, plans are made. Dress is bought.

Why am I waiting for my world to fall apart? I'm waiting for him to up and go, because everyone else did, but never gives me reason for these feelings. He adores me and loves me. I just don't know: I'm just waiting for the "I'm done" conversation

I have my own nest egg, I have savings for my "if shit hits the fan"

I know the answer is probably therapy, but I was just wondering for anyone had any explanation.

Good for you OP! You are an excellent example to your children.

It could be a self protection mechanism because you have been hurt so badly before. Or maybe you are addicted to the drama/ the successful underdog narrative and once you are comfortable and happily married there's nowhere for it to go.

Yeah probably therapy to help you switch gears and maybe a new outlet for your love of the grind ( marathon running?, a small business? a PhD? )

The fact you recognise this is a good sign. It’s all to do with it being easier to deal with what you know, even if that’s shit!

therapy probably is the answer.

Thank you,

Definitely not addicted to the drama, the shit my ex H brought me in unbelievable. Tried to sleep with my best friend. I ended up paying £10000+ of debts of. No support with DC. We are thankfully amicable now thanks to the grey rock method,

I like the quiet drama free life. Can't make a business out of career (nhs nurse lol) but still one I very much wanted, being with DP has enabled me to drop my hours (we still earn the same salary tho, I even earned more this last year!

I just can't shake the feeling that it's going to go tits up, and of course I'll be fine, eventually, if it does, but I do kinda like and love him 🤷🏼‍♀️

This is what I think . When a person has experienced major life events for example separation , divorce bad relationships the list is endless . They can shape us . Make us more aware and in some cases hyper vigilant we lose sometimes the carefree mindset we maybe once had. It’s like a little voice says ahhh this good life is to good to be true
I wonder is it like an imposter syndrome kind of thing and loads of people have it ( it’s a bit faddy) but gives a name to a feeling or belief Im
not wordy I’m not good enough this shouldn’t have been my life .
I think it’s down to you coming to terms that yeah you are wordy of love and a great life you are bloody amazing and someone else sees that . So it’s like you need to retrain the brain and get to a place in your life where you maybe aren’t afraid … I hope that makes sense .. sometimes therapy mightn’t be the answer … it maybe erasing that little voice or feeling this this won’t work out because it didn’t before .

I don’t have an answer for you but I hope you get to that place were you feel good and are accepting that you are loved and deserve this and your lovely life

For me it was acceptance that this is what life is - an endless cycle of change. "This too shall pass" applies to the good times as well as the bad, but some of us through experience are more aware of it than others. So the challenge for those of us who recognise that we cannot predict the future or preserve the present, is to live in and enjoy the moment, whilst simultaneously accepting that things can change at any moment. Thus being more fully present in enjoying the 'now', rather than waiting for the 'next'.

Pema Chodron's book 'When Things Fall Apart' is really good with this type of thing.

The other thing to consider is that all trust is ultimately self-trust - knowing you have your own back whatever happens. You have that - you* *know you will cope if anything happens, and reminding yourself of this can help calm some of those fears.

So I wouldn't see this as self-sabotage - I would see it as a natural reaction to knowing what you know after having been through what you've been through. If I'm ever not accepting where I am, I repeat to myself 'I am safe in this moment' and tune into my younger self who is afraid and trying to control my safety by taking me to the places of fear. I remind her that I will always look after her and love her, and she can let go and allow me to do that. Love always casts out fear, and so therapy, which will help you to understand and love yourself even more, can only help too.