aibu to be annoyed with DM?

[pinkchow]

This past 6 months in particular, my mum has been making really strange remarks about me/my life/house/everything really.

Mainly around how much we ‘must have spent’ on X or Y infront of everyone. Or making negative/sly/snide remark about our things being ‘posh’ or ‘very expensive’. Or trying to one up me with how she has something better?? She’s never been like this before.

Husband and I are high earners. We work hell of a lot, and scrimped and saved really really hard to buy our house last year. Weve never had financial help from parents. It’s fairly naice 4 bed detached in a lovely rural village, but nothing ridiculous. We have two average ford fiestas on the drive. We are not flashy in the slightest. Don’t care about posh clothes, or holidays. We prefer to have financial security. House is big, but not modern, needs revamping slowly which we are going to do eventually.

However, we do splash out when we host, (Xmas and Easter Sunday), i love my family, and want to treat them and spoil them with delicious food and fun decorations and nice memories. They all love this and say so repeatedly.

Today my mum was off the rails with the remarks , DH even noticed. Some picks - our £140 pizza oven, my joules coat, our wellies (???), my hair was shit apparently and she would do it properly for me, didnt like the food (everyone else did and wouldnt stop commenting), the quiz i made was too easy and stupid apparently.

I think i’m being irked more as I know her and DStep dad receieved a £140k inheritance from an aunty, and are keeping it a secret from my grandparents, (they are financially fairly frugal and sensible, DM hates them knowing what she spends ), but have blown a large chunk on a new 23 plate BMW and 22 plate Mini cooper, and a Cunard cruise, whilst they rent a house at age 55.

It just feels like shes judging whatever I wear/ buy/ do and makes me feel self conscious and weird!

I never make comments to her about how she chooses to spend her money, especially not infront of other family members. Her life her choice.

Idk what to do or what to say to her.
It feels like she is trying to justify her spending infront of my grandparents by showing how much we ‘must spend’ too. In reality its nowhere near the same ballpark.

I love her but she feels emotionally distant and very off with me, its making me really sad.

Jealousy, you, her child, are making a financially sound decision by investing in your home in a way she hasn't. At 55 and renting she must be giving long term security at least a fleeting thought, yet is spending her inheritance on cars and cruises. Maybe she thinks you judge her decisions (I would albeit not vocally), so attack as the best form of defence etc

All this says a lot more about her than it does you.

YANBU - it would annoy me as well.

Thank you for the replies.

I can honestly say I’ve never been anything but supportive of her purchases/choices, in so much that she tells me about everything they get up to/spend (but hide from grandparents, as they say grandparents judge them too much). Maybe deep down she feels defensive and its coming out subconsciously?

I think Im being extra sensitive, as TTC, which has been a difficult journey so far, and its making me think about what type of mum I want to be, and has made me question a lot of her recent and past behaviours.

I will just try to ignore it and maybe distance myself for a bit.

Bluddy cheek given HER purchases. Most probably is jealous of you. Has she always had this nasty streak? Yes I would distance myself if I were you.

I would also have a comment ready when she says something negative eg a simple “that’s so rude”, or “are you jealous?” and when she says no of course not (lol!) just say well it’s rude anyway. Then move out of the room etc rather than have an argument. You are laying down boundaries, not wasting time arguing. Or if you want to be More upfront just tell her to stop commenting and it’s none of her business. You can say it in a very nice tone of voice of course- but the words themselves should be clear. Keep it up with EVERY SINGLE COMMENT ; eventually she’ll shut up.

It just feels like shes judging whatever I wear/ buy/ do and makes me feel self conscious

Tell her..."mum I love you but....(insert all of the above) + I'm not sure what to make of it...is everything alright?"

"Maybe deep down she feels defensive and its coming out subconsciously?"

Yes, that's what crossed my mind too.

I would have an honest conversation with her and tell her how her remarks make you feel.

Saying that I can't help it but I feel prejudiced towards most of BMW drivers.

Everything she makes a comment say "How rude!" , "You are starting to sound like Victor Meldrew" or "Green really isn't your colour"

Or start getting a notepad and pencil everytime she makes a negative comment. She will ask you what you are doing and reply " Oh just tallying up all your catty remarks"

Make it light-hearted and she will soon see how ridiculous she is being.