How do I handle this?

[Maymin]

Hi, so a bit of background to this, I apologise if it's long winded.

I've been with my partner now almost 7 years, we have lived together for 5 years now we have a beautiful baby boy

In the beginning I always got along with my in laws. Thought they were great.

I used to a pretty big girl when I was younger. Always struggled with weight and body image even as a child. Then when I was about 17 I lost around the 10 stone mark so huge amount of weight (not done in the healthiest of ways but won't talk about that)

So I remember this incident happening like 2021. We were over the in-laws, our niece was there she was 10 at the time. FIL went to do stuff upstairs and the rest of us were playing with a fat filter on snapchat. My other half shouts out "lol she's gained 10 stone again" my MIL thinks this is hilarious and then makes the comment "do you think he would still be with you if you looked like that again" UM. Needless to say I was so embarrassed and SO upset. When we went home me and my partner had an argument over it. Saying shes was joking etc. Shes made numerous amount of comments about my weight, even when I was pregnant!!!

Shes also accused me of not trusting her because I didn't want my 3 WEEK OLD baby to stay the night over hers. Like???
Shes whispered about me in my own home. Told me I make HER uncomfortable.

So since having my son Ive obviously gained weight and had a bit of a rough time postnatally, still to this day (10 months on) and ive also kept a distance from her. Ive gone back to work now so rarely see them.

Now today shes asked my partner why I'm being so off with them. He mentioned the whole story about how I was so upset with her when she made that comment about him still fancying/loving me if I was that big again. She be starts crying, swears blind shes NEVER said anything about my weight and how I look. She stormed out of the house with FIL in towe, they're still denying shes ever said anything like that. Came home from work to my partner crying about it now I feel like the worst person. He just wants us to have a good talk and a good relationship again but I really cant be faulse and put myself through that. What shall I do to cope with this?

Hi OP
That's not OK for you, and is hurtful (also seems annoying, divisive and attention-seeking by your MIL). I think, speaking charitably, your MIL may have some issues of her own.

Speaking from some experience, I'd suggest:

You don't have to be false with your partner, just beware and protect yourself regarding MIL whilst maintaining a pleasant (but superficial) relationship with her if possible.

Why would she expect you to hand over a 3 week old baby for the night...!!! And then make it about her?

Hugs to you OP. I've had somewhat similar issues in the past. I ended up making VERY STRONG boundaries, and still being as kind as possible. My partner never had to choose, but I was honest with him and we worked it out. Family can be complicated; keep your wits about you. Xxx

Your partner really needs to have your back here. She's a nasty cruel woman playing on your deepest insecurity. I'd never see her again.

He wants you all to have a nice relationship translates put up with my mum's crap.a 3wk old away overnight...nope not happening.

Thank you so much for this, these are words I needed to hear. All I've done over the past few days is cry, we've talked about it and he says hes woken up to what shes like. So I feel as if a knot has been untied and feel less stupid! I'll definitely keep my wits about me from now on, I will not be putting up with it like these past few years 😅

I'd honestly be happy never to see her again if im honest 🤔

OP - i have been where you have been - struggling post partum; weight gain; my Mom making stupid comments about it all.
This is why i am going to say something you wont like.

It is hard post partum. Emotions are all over; you are tired; body feels foreign. And the anxiety over baby - are they OK; are you doing the right thing; are they eating/growing/developing Ok. Etc.

Older generations can say crappy wrong things. They don’t get it. They don’t get our sensitivities and are not great with being considerate.
BUT - i do not think they need to be ‘cancelled’ over it.

They are your baby’s grand parents; and your partner’s parents. You do not need to ‘open his eyes to what his Mother is like’ - she did raise him after all. So - she is unlikely to be some sort of an evil person.

You are by design over sensitive to anything weight related. It’s natural given your history and you must know it.

Playing with Fat Filter was always going to be a bad idea for the potential to trigger you. Your bf started the joking around by saying smth. MIL played along and very possibly does not remember what she said exactly. People’s memories of throwaway banter are not great. She didn’t remember it.

You do because to you it was triggering.

How you deal with it - is by focusing on your life and baby. Rather than on putting all your sensitivities and anger on making your MIL some sort of evil person who is out to hurt you and who your partner needs to wipe from his life. That is not healthy. And won’t be a good thing in the long term.

Boundaries around childcare by GM are if course a good thing. And of course it’s OK not to want to let them babysit a tiny baby. But soon - when they are a toddler, etc - they’ll have a relationship with grandparents and it’ll be good for all.
And - when your tiredness goes away and hormones normalise - you’ll hopefully be able to have a civil relationship with them.
For the sake of all family.

I never said that my partner should wipe her from his life, and I've NEVER stopped them from seeing and enjoying their grandson. My feelings about her dont involve my son. But the way she behaves is out of order. Theres so many other things thats been said, arguments from his own sister and his mum. Its not just me who thinks like this. I've also felt this way about her before baby. Ive always made the effort and tried to get along with her. From speaking to friends and family about it I've realised her behaviour towards me and others should not be accepted and something I should be putting up with.

Hi op, im so cross on your behalf. If your partner wants you all to get along maybe he needs to stop feeling sorry for himself and keep his parents in line abit more instead of turning a blind eye and trying to make you think you're taking it the wrong way by saying it's a joke. I don't care if it is a joke. If you've said you don't like it then he should say he understands and he should have a word with them. Also what is this utter rubbish wanting your new born to stay over night with her, does she need a doctor ? It's your child, not hers. Sorry op, but under no circumstances doubt yourself. Get your mil on here.. I'll tell her some home truths if your partner won't.

@Maymin

OP - it’s hard to know what is going on with your MIL. Based on your OP - you used to get along with her. Then got triggered about a comment she made a few years ago. Which she does not remember. But you keep making it an issue.
Your partner cries about the situation with his mother.
Then you make more drama and cry too. Making him ‘wake up about what she is like’.

As I said - it a possible that in the heat of the moment - as your partner was joking about fat filter she also joined in without thinking.

I am boy sure this needs to be a source of major family drama in the way you are making it.

By all means - if she says something insensitive to you - say something there and then. But holding on to a grudge for years and emotionally manipulating your bf to choose you over his mom is really not great.
You can see he is finding it difficult with you two making drama - and he is forced to chose.
You also must realise that hormones and exhaustion plays a role in how you are reacting to things????

The whole fat filter thing was just the start of it for myself. Previous to that I know she used to cause huge rows between my sil and her ex. She always pinned the blame on them and I had believed everything she told me. What I also didn't put in my op was that she's caused rows in our street with our neighbours. She's always breathing down our necks. Gets annoyed when I ask her if she could maybe call before she comes over at silly times in the evening when I'm trying to settle my son for bed. I get that she wanted him at 3 weeks old to try and help, a lot of parents would have bitten their hand off for a break. But me and my partner didn't feel comfortable with him sleeping overnight anywhere so young. She totally flipped off saying it was ME who didn't trust her when my partner was also the one not wanting it to happen. She got upset the other week when I asked her to make sure my sons car seat was strapped in properly, as she had sent a photo of him in the car but his straps weren't sitting correctly, and could see they were obviously too loose. She went on this big speech about how snappy I was about it and my attitude was awful. How did she come up with this all from one text message that I had sent? I was in work so I had no idea she was so upset that I corrected her on my sons SAFETY in his car seat.

I absolutely think hormones play a massive part, and have said some stupid things in the heat of the moment. But I was ALWAYS the one to reach out to admit I was wrong and apologised every single time. Her not admitting to things my bf had mentioned that has upset us both and storming off and crying about it is not ok. I've never asked or said to my bf to choose. Hes the one that said hes woken up to what has been going on due to him and his sister talking to each other about everything thats gone on. SIL has called her out on her behaviour for years now. I'm fed up of constantly pussy footing around her and pleasing her all the time.

So, to try and get disassociated from saying something henious, she just lied about saying it. A pretty dumb move if there were witnesses. Sounds like your BF also knows she asked to have your baby overnight after only 3 weeks, and got angry at being turned down.
Looks like your BF and his mum share some traits, I wouldn't be impressed about him putting the waterworks on either like his mum does. Bit pathetic of him under the circumstances, when really he should have more backbone and be in your corner knowing what she is like.
Your hormones could explain you crying about it for days - you probably wouldn't see that as necessary and dramatic but for the hormones. Perhaps try telling her straight, that if she doesn't wind her neck in, she will get ostracised, and is that really what she wants?

@Maymin

You keep coming back to the Fat filter-gate. But strangely you don’t seem to have any anger at what your bf said?
I think the reason it triggered you is that she verbalised your deep fear about yourself and your worth.

I presume you got together with your bf after you lost the weight? And what/if is really scary. But in some way it is also unavoidable to wonder.

She should have been more sensitive, but it is more than likely she does not remember asking that question at that time.

It has been 3 years now - you need to let it go. By now it snowballed into a much bigger
deal than it ever needed to be.
Back then - you should have just said - ‘MIL - not a great thing to say.’ Would have taken care of it there and then…

OP - you do not need to somehow fight her as a great villain of the family. It is not on you to show her that her behaviour towards your SIL and neighbours is wrong, etc. Those are not your battles.

Drama does not need to be fanned. Life is too short.
Just do your own boundaries. And enjoy your baby.

OP - i think most people would find it strange if someone was suddenly off with them and upon asking Why - would hear - ‘three years ago you said this ….’
It’s an unreasonable duration of time to keep a grudge without raising it.

I don’t think I could remember what i said specifically on one evening many years ago. And - personally would feel offended/defensive if accused of saying something I don’t think I’d say. People’s memories are notoriously unreliable.

My mother swears blind I have said a lot of things I never did - like gave her a recipe for a dish I don’t know how to cook, etc.

So - all i am saying OP - maybe the best thing for you is to try to let go of the past and not make your life about a one sided fight with your MIL. I think it’s preventing you from living in the present.

My son's father had anorexia before I knew him - it's like alcoholism, the relationship with food is never quite normal. Anyway, he told me that one of his aunts whenever he went to see her would pass comment on his weight as soon as he walked through the door, like " you've put on weight, you look better" still not the thing to say to a 'recovering' anorexic, clearly. Sure enough, when I visited with him the first time, she passed comment. Some people just have no idea how words can affect people.
I'm sure your MIL has half the story - not the part of how you might have lost the weight. If she knew, would she be more considerate? Probably not, she'd think she was by telling you how good you look with less weight in comparison.
If she's put on a few pounds over the years, perhaps play her at her own game and pass comment, or try "you've aged since I last saw you" or " you look tired, not sleeping well?".