Not coping with marriage ending

[Moversandshaks]

My marriage is ending and I’m not coping well at all. We are nesting and I find that incredibly difficult. We are very amicable and that is great for the kids but I think I’m getting severely depressed. I’m worried I’m going to have a breakdown or something and ultimately lose the kids, it feels like my world is ending.

If anyone else has been through this, please say it gets better?

Hi
That sounds really hard for you. Is there any friends you can spend a bit of time chatting to, to get some support.
What is nesting?
I hope you're alright.

nesting is especially difficult. are you sure it is right for you/the kids?

Talk if you are amicable

Express how you feel there might be solutions you can find together

If you are nesting for the kids, money, whatever it's vital you are both ok. You can be friends, parents and both pursue romance elsewhere. Or not.

There are reasons you are doing it but to assume that once the initial decision was made and that was it is naïve.

So talk to your co-nester.

Thank you @Lizzbear. I find it hard to reach out when I’m very low but I know I need to. Nesting is where you continue to share the family home, moving in and out at different times.

@Offthepath no I don’t want to nest anymore and have said this, but financially it is difficult. We have two young sons and I think they find it confusing too at times.

When you say it’s especially difficult, what do mean? I think I would find it helpful to know the ways others find it difficult, if that makes sense. As sometimes I feel like I’m going mad.

I haven't been through the end of a marriage but I have been through the devastating end of a long term relationship and I think these huge feelings of overwhelm are normal. It's part of the intense grief and loss and yes it will get better but it will take a while before you come out the other side. Whose idea was nesting? Do you have other alternatives which are better for your own mental health? If it's too much for you, don't be afraid to ask for a different arrangement.

If you're really massively overwhelmed, defo talk to your GP. But you can get through this and there is definitely hope on the other side of all this!

Thank you @frozendaisy , we are starting to talk. I think my ex finds it hard that I want to change the plan but is trying to be sympathetic. I don’t think I’m ok anymore, I’m starting to realise that.

Nesting is difficult because you are stuck in limbo I suppose. Until you are divorced and living separately it will be hard to even begin to move on.

Im in a similar situation atm. For financial reasons we can’t really divorce and buy two separate homes but I’m pretty sure it’s over. Also he won’t accept it and wants to stay together, and when you’re feeling sad and lonely you just want a hug - but then this can easily lead to sex and mixed messages (it will in my situation anyway)

Im feeling really low too - I’m struggling to put on a brave face for the dcs and am largely sat around doing nothing which isn’t like me. I understand OP💐

Thank you @pleasenosey thats really helpful! I just need to know it will pass 🙏🏼

@Ohffsbarbara sorry you’re in the same situation. I’m realising I desperately need my own space, and also not to move around all the time. I wish I could cope with it, but I don’t seem able to unfortunately.

In our case I’m the one who’s struggling to accept it. I mean I do accept it but I find it really upsetting.

No real words of advice just a hand hold OP. I've been separated for two years and we have our separate homes but it's hard.

Getting yourself in a better place mentally and with more support is key. Do you have any friends or family you can talk to?

Thanks @chillywaters . I do have friends and family but I feel a bit like they’re sick of hearing about it. Also when I feel really awful I don’t feel like I have much to say. I would just cry down the phone! But maybe that’s ok…

Were you the one who wanted the marriage to end ?

@RandomForest no. In the end it was mutual but he initiated it. I’ve felt very rejected and hurt which I guess feeds into my feelings now.

@Moversandshaks it is absolutely ok to just cry down the phone to family or friends. If my experience is anything to go by, they'll be honoured to be there for you, even by phone, when times are tough.

I am lucky enough to have a sister I can call when I need to cry, and she calls me just the same. 10 minutes of listening to someone sob down the phone to you is a very short time for the listener, and totally life changing for the sobber. I would hope they'd listen, tell you to cry or talk or sit in silence, and they'll be there. Let them do that for you.

Thank you @HappyAsASandboy that is very touching. I will copy that message to read again. 🙏🏼

I have never done that, but I do have friends who I could do that with I think. I think I spend a lot of time seeming ‘ok’ so everyone just assumes I am.

I wish I had a sister, but I do have some very good and non judgmental friends. My Mum finds me being sad too upsetting herself I think, so I try to stay upbeat for her. And for the kids, of course. I think it’s actually the trying to be upbeat that might have made me depressed…

@RandomForest why do you ask?

Have you thought about talking to a counsellor ? That can be a way of getting support and clarity on what sort of set up might work for you. Also a space to digest some of the grief around the marriage ending.

A marriage ending and having to cope with still living in the same family home albeit at different times must be extremely difficult.

I understand through finances people must do this but it must be hard, especially if one party was not wishing the marriage to end. I would look at every possible option of trying to have different living spaces whereby you can heal.

I don't think many could cope with it.

I asked because a marriage ending for some means the beggining of a new life and that often is hard due to concience, guilt and still feeling watched and not entirely regaining their single life again.

On the other hand if the marriage was made so bad by one party wanting the union to end so as the other partner felt they were pushed into divorce, the pain of remaining with somone who you still love is heartbreaking.

You both may have come to this decision together but there is usually one that initiated it, not the divorce but the devaluing of the union, leading to divorce. There will be one who deserves more kindness and the other should be more accomodating but that doesn't happen often, thats why it's best to both have your own homes.

You are worried about losing the children is that because you want to leave and the children will stay will him, due to schools etc, expensive housing ?

Can he not move out permanantly and he have them visit.

Nesting is horrible. I can’t imagine anything worse for letting you move on and re-build your life. And it’s confusing for the kids, especially if they are small.

First of all - you will be OK and you won’t lose your kids. But you DO need to speak up and not worry about your Ex not liking that you changed your mind.

My kids were pre- and teens when we divorced. And I was wrecked with guilt for failing to give them a functioning family.

They are much better off now when they see two happier parents. (Even told me we should have divorced earlier)

Your kids have a benefit of not remembering the divorce. So - the sooner you move on to the ‘new normal’ for you, ex and the kids - the better. They will get used to whatever the new pattern is and not remember anything prior to that.
Nesting only pushes the point of time when the ‘new normal’ happens. So - why wait - especially as it is so hard on you.
Kids need two functional, and ideally, happy parents - even if they are not together.

Finances are often the reason for nesting in the short term. But - there is always a way - and nesting can’t go on forever.
I don’t know what stage your financial settlement is in - but i’d push for asset division ASAP. And if it means you have to sell up and move to another area where you can afford something - so be it.
You need it for your sanity.
And at least you don’t yet have to worry about kids switching schools, etc

Good luck!!!