Apologies in advance for the huge rant. There is literally no one in real life to tell.
I am going to change one or two tiny details to protect my privacy. Just in case I seem inconsistent later on!
Everything in my life feels like a huge mess. I feel bleak and flat and woke up crying today (as in, I was crying in my sleep) which hasn't happened in a long time.
I met a man in 2022 and he moved in last summer. 95% of the time he was wonderful. He was going through enormous stresses (think legal, family, natural disasters, death in the family, money) and at times would talk about nothing else. He didn't sleep properly and became irritable (sometimes) and often spaced out, shaking or crying. He couldn't sort of sit back and think of solutions to his problems but would come out with random ideas or be paralysed with worry and indecision.
For my part, I listened all the time, did my best to do a bit of research or take the weight off in various ways. Sometimes I got frustrated because it wasn't a very cheerful time and I wasn't really achieving much and a few times I said he needed to listen to my worries occasionally, or I would go off for a walk on my own. No nastiness on either part like shouting, swearing, throwing things or anything like that. I went with him to the GPs twice to talk about anxiety but they really weren't very helpful. Nothing was ever organised with regard to treatment or counselling.
The last 3 weeks of the relationship were appalling with him almost psychotic from stress, saying random things, walking off, sleeping in the car, going to stay at a friend's a few times. Most of the time I was incredibly patient but once or twice it got a bit much. Finally, he moved out (entirely his decision) and we met a few times for a cup of tea and it was OK (although sad).
He then turned up unannounced (very unlike him as he was always polite and quite proper about things like that) and I listened to an hour monologue of his problems and he got quite shitty with me. I barely spoke at all. He didn't apologise for anything in the past or try and hug me or say he wanted me back or that he wanted to move back. It was all a bit strange. He then tried to video call me several times during that evening but we had nothing to say to each other. I then text him to say that day had been too much and that he needed to calm down (I didn't use that term!) and sort his life out gradually. I woke the following morning to 5 messages that I can only describe as poisonous, accusing me of all sorts of behaviour. I was blocked by him on everything.
I was then targeted by a mutual friend. I can only see today that it was a "targeting". Let's gloss over that apart from to say he knew how down I was because I had even used the word "heartbroken" in a message. I had also known him for years and he did the usual spiel about always having feelings for me and I would feel better if I moved on...
I've been left in a more precarious position financially than I was before due to supporting Man 1. It will get back to normal in a few months but I have the stress of that now.
I've fluctuated between not eating at all to binge eating, which is not like me. Somehow, I've managed to put about a stone on over the past few months, which is irritating.
There are a million things wrong with my house that need attention and I don't have the know how or money to deal with all of them.
I've kept myself ridiculously busy. I force myself to go to usual weekly activities and to socialise and it's awful. People are still asking me for updates on Man 1 and are shocked that we have gone from talking about getting married to no contact at all. I've walked so far every day that cumulatively I could have crossed the UK by now! I don't smoke, drink or take drugs so there is nothing else I can cut out really.
I looked at a friend's FB post today and I saw that Man 1 had "liked" it, so I realised he has unblocked me, at least on there. That tiny, tiny thing has put me into a flat spin this afternoon.
I don't have any support. I have been on the Stately Homes thread about my family a few times, but had no reply. Yesterday I saw them for the first time since Christmas Day. It was still bonkers (of course) with my mum pleading with the Golden Child that she wanted to iron his clothes for where he was going out later in the day (he's in his fifth decade) then telling me she was going to make him a "carer" for her and my dad as he is the only person who cares about them. I pointed out one or both of them would have to be disabled to receive carer's allowance... After 3 months of peace, they have invited themselves round here tomorrow and I don't even know how they managed to do that without my noticing where the conversation was going.
My cat has the start of dementia.
I can't concentrate enough to watch a TV programme or read a magazine or to cook anything nice.
I feel very sad but so very stupid.