Sex life - feeling like a disappointment.

[UpNorthIsWhereItsAt]

Name changed but I’m after some serious advice.

Does anyone here feel like they are sexually disappointing their partner?

We’ve been together for 16 years, married for 9 and we have one child.

He has a much higher sex drive than me and although he’s never said anything to me, I know he wishes we had sex more often and I think that he probably wishes that I was more adventurous too.

There are things he would like to do in the bedroom which he knows I will not do, and although he never pressures me it’s always in the back of my head that he has needs/wants that I’m not fulfilling.

I feel anxious about our sex life sometimes because I always feel like I’m letting him down or I worry that inside he’s wishing he had someone else for his sexual partner, and not me. He tells me I’m being silly for feeling like that, he says he’s very happy with our sex life and he gives me lots of reassurances that I have nothing to worry about, but internally I can’t let it go.

We speak about fantasies quite frequently and a few weeks ago we spoke about bringing another woman into our relationship (the conversation was initiated by me) and I said it could be great because then maybe he would get the opportunity to do with her what I won’t do (if she wanted to of course) but he was horrified at the idea. He said that he doesn’t want to do those acts just because it’s “something to do”, but because it’s something that he’d like us to do together, me and him.

He said he accepts my boundaries but he also feels that in a safe and happy marriage it’s natural for a couple to want to try everything together.

The acts I’m referring to aren’t even big things or particularly taboo things, it’s just about what I do and don’t like, and what I’d prefer not to do.

As I said, he knows where my boundaries lie and he never pushes it, and he certainly doesn’t try and make me do things during sex that I don’t want to, but I just have this sense of unease that I’m not enough for him.

He makes me feel very attractive, he’s incredibly kind, I love him very much and we have a great marriage but I can’t stop thinking that from a sex angle, he wants more than our current set-up and that he’s sacrificing his wants/needs and it’s my fault.

Does anyone else ever feel like this?

No. I think you need some counselling to find out why you are feeling this way.

It sounds as if the chorus of inadequacy in your head is so loud that you can't actually listen to him.

Listen to him.

Couples counselling could help you I think, but you probably need some therapy for yourself.

I actually blame my socialisation for some of my decades of feeling inadequate. We are told so often and so relentlessly that men want this and women want that and we lose the ability to understand what we want ourselves. The idea that you want to invite another woman in - to replace yourself because you feel so pressured to make a theoretically perfect sex life for an imaginary partnet is terrible. Having said that, was it the only reason that it occurred to you? It's quite a place to go. Did touching her yourself occur to you on any level?

I'd like you to imagine what is arousing for you. Leave your partner out of this one, it's a thought experiment. Where are you? One place? Several places? Can you hear anything - what? Can you smell anything? What can you feel? Who else is there - if anyone? What do they do, say, bring? Are you eatching anything, reading anything, tasting anything? What makes the arousal build?

Them use that as a starting point. The 'Make your fantasies come true!' articles we used to get in magazines were all awful imo and all heavily male influenced. Somehow you need to find your own sexual voice. It may look nothing like you think.

I think he sounds really sweet and him reassuring you should be enough. Maybe as a PP said have some counseling on why you feel this way.