What to do with a friend that has no emotional intelligence?

[Livelifelaughter]

I have friends for very many and for just a few years. My oldest and once best friend and I used to go on holidays and look out for each other. In the last few years she has become so lacking in showing any empathy. She has become very into her local community church and spends her time with them. She cancels meeting up saying she can't do "X y z" because of something else without seeing she has made a choice in her selection. It's come to a head now because I am unwell and my other friends are coming to see me, delivering food, going to hospital appointments - she knows exactly how unwell I am and hasn't offered anything in fact she called and it was so awkward because she just didn't offer any help at all nor to just visit. I have to focus on myself and getting better now, but seeing her annoying messages in our WhatsApp group blind to what's going is really upsetting. How do I deal with this ?

Friendships ebb/flow/fade/expand during life and that's OK.

It could be that she just simply doesn't feel close to you [all?] anymore for whatever reason and so doesn't offer the same intensity of friendship anymore. Sounds like her church community friendships are really taking off. Not your cuppa but it's hers.

I know it is disappointing but try not to get too caught up in it. Enjoy your other friends.

I feel a similar thing with friends who have got married and had children. As their single unmarried childfree/less friend I'm just not as interesting to to them anymore and that's OK 🤷🏼‍♀️

She's a fair weather friend that's all.

It does surprise me though, because church people are often the first to volunteer to help with things like hospital visits.

In my experience church people are only interested in demonstrating their Christianity to one another.

Your observation seems very spot on.

I concur with this.

This 100%

I disagree about church people only helping each other. I almost felt stalked by church people as when I broke my arm - I know they meant well but I wanted to say "Thank you for the mushroom stroganoff. You are an excellent cook. I am never going to church though."

But I would guess your friend is getting social needs met by her church that were not being met in her other relationships. It has nothing to do with religion or belief or doing good, just about her feeling happy and accepted. She is probably barely conscious of your needs.

She clearly is not a very good friend. Did this behaviour start before or after you were ill? I ask because some people really struggle with how to behave when their friends are struggling. It's not an excuse, but it is nonetheless a fact.

This sounds quite likely. I wouldn’t necessarily see it as a lack of emotional intelligence. Other friends are delivering food, visiting, taking you to medical appts etc — you and she are no longer close enough for that to be natural for her, especially if she knows other friends are doing it. It can be disappointing when a longtime friendship ebbs, but it can also come back in time.

I'd say this too. Is she remaining in contact in other ways? It does sound like you have lots of people helping out. Do you feel someone's not a friend unless they are doing physical or practical tasks for you?

This isn’t help or support, this is proselytising.

Yes, that’s also a fair point.

I don't agree with that, we were planning a holiday so it's not a case of not feeling a friendship with me. She wasn't always like this it seems something evolving over years, one thing I think it's linked with and it could be just a theory is she has had a lot of therapy and it always seems to be about her.

@MyHornCanPierceTheSky I think it's not unreasonable to think a good friend offers practical help when you need practical help and just bothers to visit. I think she doesn't actually call or message me because it's a bit odd to do that when I can't travel and she lives 40 minutes away on a bus

Agreed

Or, when they do help the 'non believers', it's either as @Alaina7 said and is proselytising OR so they can show off their 'good Christian' credentials to their churchy mates. Nothing so smug as a churchy person letting everyone know how self sacrificing they are.

As OP doesn't know any of the church group people., 'friend' can't use her for bragging rights. Hence no offer of practical help.

OP, let her go, she's shown who she is now.

You don't have to do anything except to accept that people don't have to be there for you whenever you want them to be.

She's allowed to back away for whatever reason she wants. You are allowed to not care, and to stop offering her friendship. Nobody owes you anything.

So this has quickly turned into a bashing Christianity thread!

Agreed

The church is a red herring here. It wouldn't make any difference if it was hockey club, or a group of work colleagues. Your friend has got closer to some other friends, and possibly less close to you.
She is offering you a certain type of friendship. That's fine. You can decide whether or not you want a friend who is offering this type of friendship. Either choice is totally fine.

Why? There isn't a specific measure of what makes a friend a friend. Being a friend does not carry obligations that you must visit or must offer practical help. It's possible the dynamics have changed for her and her friendship requirements are met by the church. Perhaps she doesn't feel needed if you have so many other friends doing things. Perhaps she finds you a bit needy, which can be a turn off.

Absolutely.

I agree there isn't a specific measure, nor is there a specific measure for anything; being a good parent, a kind person. Obviously, hoping that a friend of 40 years would send a message now and then or just ask how I am when she knows I am in and out of hospital, are having surgery, and I live alone, makes me needy.

I think it's because the proselytizing and/or brashly virtue-seeking type of Christian is uppermost in people's minds, simply because they are so very visible. At the same time, there are devout Christians doing good work in the community, unobserved by the majority. I wouldn't have known about the second kind if I hadn't stumbled across them in the course of my work. And we don't really know if the friend's church is a red herring here or not: the friend could be one of the virtue-signalling hypocritical Christian types, or she might just be the sort of person who is a fair weather friend, which seems to be a thing irrespective of religious belief. Or perhaps it's just shiny object syndrome, getting distracted by a new hobby and so putting old friendships on the back burner.

Not bashing Christianity.

Basing the fake Christians who use church/good deeds to show how "Christian" they are. As someone else put it, bragging rights.

You can follow the tenets of Christianity - kindness, helping, - without going to any kind of organised religious service or talking about what you do to show others how "good" you are.

I'll take a tattooed hairy Hells Angel biker helping his neighbours over a "Christian" in church on a Sunday any bloody day.