Should I stay?

[ProudGreenDreamer]

20 years in
5 kids deep
one of the kids is a baby
we both work full time

in the last 9 days this is what he has done each day or night after work or on his days off works mon-fri normally, leaves at 7am back at 5pm

Friday-pub all night
Saturday-golf weekend trip night away
Sunday-golf weekend trip
Monday- pint at the pub
Tuesday- pub all night
Wednesday-came home had bath and went to bed
Thursday-pub all night
Friday-kid birthday so stayed home
Saturday-pub all night

normally over the course of the week it’s 2-4 nights at the pub
most definitely has a drinking problem
yes I am very insecure

at Christmas we as a family attended this pub for a family Christmas party, during the course of the kids party he didn’t spend anytime with us, talked to his friends and stood smoking outside, most of the time followed by a very pretty barmaid
i made it very clear on how I felt, his favourite line “it’s not like that” assured me nothing was going on and he’d stop going to the pub

were now turning into April and things are still the same

we were going to have another baby, I explained I cannot do it again on my own, I can’t do every single sleepless night, I can’t do every nappy, every bottle. Sometimes I need a break and I can’t go into it knowing I will be doing it all again on my own
just wanting him to say it’s ok I will be there for you and the kids, pleading for him to say it won’t be like that as I really wanted one more

every time he goes out and drinks it’s either with his siblings, dad or friends and explains it like it should be ok and wants our kids to go out together when there old enough
everytime he has a massive hangover the next day and says he won’t do it again

about 4 days ago we had a very big argument and we both said horrible things to each other. I attacked his man hood, I wanted to hurt his feelings. He said about me being a bad mum, trying harder at work than I do at home, he has to drink because of me, I need him for his money

I do every single thing for all the kids, everything they ever need or want it comes to me
the only thing he is responsible for is going to work
every responsibility regarding our lives is on me
schools, meetings, doctors, dinners, bills everything

I know I shouldn’t have to ask the kids to sit with the baby while I nip to the loo or cook dinner. I didn’t have kids to be babysitters and I hate asking them for anything like that

im not asking him to not go out at all

I would just like to have a break, him get the baby to bed, do bath times. him sort out uniforms, get up early to sort everything before we have to leave in the morning

all the kids love dad very much
i just can’t go in living like this
I’m begging him to just stay at home with us and he never chooses me or us

today he finished work, drove me to the shops, and said he was going for a pint
he left at 4:00/4:30 he came home at 1am
i asked him why, him knowing full well the baby is sick, (sickness and diarrhoea)
why could he just say right I watch the baby for a couple hours, you go wash the sick out of your hair and make the tea in peace
I asked him when he got home. Same excuses, was with my dad, friend and brother
why would I be here with you, your either seeing to the kids or on your phone
I have to drink to be with you
then he says stop talking to me and goes to sleep

it’s like he’s taking an exam and I’m giving him all the answers and he’s still failing

I don’t think there’s anything to save at this point

he knows what he’s doing when he compares me to others (being my family. We have very little contact, 4-8 times a year we see them)
when he calls my parenting
when he belittles me over my job
when he says he pays all the bills (makes significantly more than I do)

I have no one, no friends, no family to turn to, and I don’t want to fail at this. I don’t go out, I don’t drink. I am ok with all of this, I love being a mum, I like my job, I don’t need nor want to go out, I would just like a bit of me time, feeling like I’m top priority in his life. Just actually being nice to me, just to be nice, not I will be nice to you so we can have sex

im thinking about moving out of the area, I’ve found a place I could afford, 30 mins drive away. I don’t drive. But I could transfer my job, there’s plenty of schools nearby, and childcare for the baby

I’m embarrassed that I’m even thinking about this, this is not what I want. But I have been pleading for too long
the two bigger kids might want to stay here
but I have nothing in the area to stay for

I just don’t know

I feel so sorry for you 😔 he definitely has a drinking problem and by the sounds of it not looking good for your relationship. Is there anyone else you can talk to that will talk to him and put some sense into him? Like his family or friends...does he know you're thinking of leaving? Can you make that clear to him and say it's his last chance to get his act together or it's over...and stick to your words. Wishing you all the best Xx

Go for it. You're already a single parent.

None of your OP is a pretty picture, but "why would I be here with you" is a right shocker. According to him, seeing to the kids (his kids!) is a good reason to stay away from home 😡

I'm very sorry the man whose children you've birthed and are raising, whose home you manage, whose life you facilitate, can't value everything you are to him. He's treating you like something he stepped in and you deserve better.

Your children may 'love' him but he isn't being a father, is he? He's hardly ever there! It's not a great idea to let them grow up believing that men go drinking while women do all the work and put up with insults from their husbands. You could show them that women don't have to put up with that. I'm sure they notice the atmosphere between you as well, kids do.

You sound pretty ground down and I'm impressed that you've figured out a new place to live and how it'll work!

Waving pom-poms from the sidelines. Have you got some friends & family members who can give you a bit of support with making your exit?

Oh my god you deserve better than this. If you want someone to say it's okay to leave and you're not a failure then I'm saying it.

Whether you can financially leave is a different matter though

You are a single parent with a man child shaped anchor around your neck. He is nothing but a burden to you. You will be so much happier without this useless alcoholic in your life. Take the leap. You'll be so glad you did.

This is so so hard for you.

It doesn't look like it's going to change. In fact, it will only get worse.

I would split personally. You're doing it alone anyway and at least you will have peace of mind that he can't let you down anymore.

I’ve been in a and e with the baby this morning. Measles (not 1 yet so not vaccinated yet)
we came home and I’m just so exhausted
fell asleep on the couch with the baby
he woke me up to tell me he’s leaving to go and watch the football at his parents house
im saying as he’s leaving, I really need a break. He says he will take the baby but his parents shouldn’t be around measles just in case. Again with the you don’t even talk to me why would I stay here

i give up, I wasting my breath even trying at this point

Get out OP this is awful - for you and your DC.

You're lucky in that you have a job, most women in this position with so many children would be financially dependent, this makes things easier for you to leave. Go. He's awful and you will find peace without him.

and I don’t want to fail at this.

Fail at what? You are not the one who’s a failure my love, he is.

You have given him every opportunity to change but he won’t because he doesn’t care. He loves the booze and hanging out with his friends and family more than he loves you and your children. He’s doing it because he can.

You are so lucky that you can afford to move away and start again with your dcs. Get online and look at what UC you’ll be entitled to. Are you married? Own your house? If so you need to see a solicitor. If not, great - you can just leave and move on. You don’t need him - you’re doing everything by yourself anyway. Make sure you start a claim for CMS.

He’s a fucking selfish arsehole and if you were my friend or sister I’d be saying “get out” - wouldn’t you say the same?

What does this piece of shit actually bring to your life other than more children that he doesn’t want to look after?

It sounds like you already have six kids, go for it you'll have an easier life away from him.

Was he more involved with the other 4 kids, or always left it all to you? In which case, I don't know how you'd find the energy to want to have sex, in order to have a 6th child.
Well of course it's no skin off his nose if you go for a sixth, because his life won't change at all, you'll just be doing more, but I have no idea how? I can't understand wanting to have more than 2 tbf, especially when working full time - and knowing what having 1 does to a woman's body 😖
Was he really on a golf weekend? Can you verify that?
I think for him, babies are a way to tie you down and keep you busy, so that he can sneakily do what he likes, and you won't leave him. Not surprised you feel insecure, just surprised it's taken 5 DC's and 20 years, to realise what his game is.
What of your life meantime? Do you get time to exercise, go out with friends and family? Have you had a life apart from home and work the past 20 years? Are the older DC's old enough to look after the younger ones so you can have a life?

im thinking about moving out of the area, I’ve found a place I could afford, 30 mins drive away. I don’t drive. But I could transfer my job, there’s plenty of schools nearby, and childcare for the baby

Do it. Absolutely do it. Anything would be better than this miserable, half life with the world's worst Dad. He's utterly shit. And if you tot up exactly how much money he is spending on alcohol - that could be spent on your children - then how can you possibly stay with him?

Please take the place and the job transfer. You'll be much happier without him.

You've been together 20 years - why
you chose to have 5 children with him - why

has he changed over the years ?
or has he always been like this !

p.s. take the place you have found !

You want him to change. He wants you pregnant, busy and tied down. So, it looks like he doesn't actually want to leave you, or have you leave, which could be a hand to play. If you want change, this is your bargaining chip. You hit him with, " you want a separation, let's look into how we can make that happen" and guage his response. You've tried telling him he is being unreasonable, now tell him you want out, see how he likes that?
Could also be wise to have a look at the financial practicalities yourself and form a plan if you haven't already done so.
If he doesn't believe you will go, just a " fine, believe what you will, but from now on, make no mistake, I will be planning my exit in due course".
You might find a miraculous change in him - but this could be temporary, if so, reassess down the line, no rush.

He should sort himself the fuck out …you should be telling him what your not prepared to put up with anymore or this will continue and if it does run for the hills this is no life you would be better off just you and the children

Is the going to the pub & staying at the pub all night something he's all ways done? Or only just started in the last 6 months?
And has his actions/behaviour always been this awful or only just started in the last 6 months?

You’re a single mum with a husband. It’s really sad. I think you either have to accept life as it is now - this is the best it’s going to get with this man or you just leave because you’re doing it alone anyway. What if one day you gave him the ultimatum?

you’re already a single mum - make it official .

He doesn’t respect value or care about you .. you are just his housekeeper and nanny .

There’s nothing to save here imo, apart from your sanity

I cannot think od a single reason why you should stay with this man. He has no redeeming features whatsoever.

@Rockschooldropout is right - you are already a single parent.

You will be so much bette riff on your own. One less person to run round after.

Move and don’t look back.