Seeking a 'how-to-become-parents-and-still-stay-happily-married-guide'

[Bea0001InowwishIhadabettername]

DH and I are expecting our first this summer and when our little bundle arrives I know EVERYTHING will change including our relationship. So, I'm wondering are there any books that would help us prepare and deal with how we, as a couple, will be challenged and changed.

No horror stories please!

Thanks

There's a book called 'Baby Shock' which I have heard is good.

www.amazon.co.uk/Baby-Shock-Elizabeth-Martyn/dp/0091856590/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid =1206728307&sr=1-2

Not sure about any books but these are my tips, feel free to ignore

Keep all lines of communication open all the time.

Never point score (believe me you will be tempted)

Remember things are often said that are not meant when tired.

Make time for each other WITHOUT your precious bundle.

The Baby Shock book is written by Relate is very good. So is Mumsnet.

I read "Babyproofing your marriage" - forget the authors I'm afraid. It helped me, and though DP listened to the odd bit I read to him he didn't read it. I think it wa useful to remember other people felt like that too - which mumsnet is good for (I hadn't really found it then). Good luck!

Baby-proofing Your Marriage was very good. though it does mostly make the points mcDreamy has just given you for free!

Oops, x-post-tastic....

make sure right from the outset that he knows he has to help
he has to help in the night even if he has work in the mornings sometimes
he has to help with the housework, shopping
he has to share the childcare - take the baby for long walks while you rest

help help help
it is the key to a successful marraige with kids

BabyShock is brilliant book. Should be compulsory reading at GCSE. It's really good.

Also, What Mother's Do by Naomi Stadlen helps with understanding what being a new parent entails.

What Mothers Do. Aaaargh. Hate bad grammar. Sorry.

IMO how you will change as a couple will depend completely on your personalities and your baby's!!
It wil also depend on how you are when sleep deprived!
Remember though, this baby is going to do all of the things that, no doubt, people have already relished telling you but none of the stages last forever, you have to work as a team which can bring you closer.
So,ok, the partying(if thats your thing)is going to calm down somewhat but trust me it's worth it, and I would know!!
Its easy to have little niggles(and huge rows)when you are tired and strung out, just do whatever you need to to keep sane.
I find a sneaky fag now and again helps me get things into perspective
There will be times when you are tempted to whack him over the head with the wok(or is that just me?!)but a short time later you will love him to bits again, and he you, when the baby does something smellyfunny and you'll be lol together!
Bloody hell don't I go on??

you need no such book.

just stay here. all questions will be answered within minutes and all advice will be tailored specifically to you.

Agree with mamazon, you don't need a book, mumsnet is far better.

Oh, and remember to still have lots of sex.

On a positive note, when you have children together never, ever again will you lack a conversational topic you can both relate and contribute to!

I am finding it important to have time together, not even necessarily "quality time", just time.

McDreamy is right.

You can be so in love with your new baby that your DH can feel a bit pushed out - he can't compete on the soft cuteness front!! Even though you won't want sex for a few weeks, make sure you touch/cuddle/stroke him as well as the baby.

Even in the bad bits of tiredness, frustration and certainly in the heat of an argument, try to remember the sheer elation you both felt about that wonderful bundle you created together...

(you will get a smug 'we did that' feeling when dc is born!)

Try to hold a united front on child rearing, even if you have no idea what you're doing -pretend -you're lo won't know for years.

Talk to each other and then talk some more.

You will be bombarded with more information once you have had your lo that at any other time in your life. Trust your instincts, you know far more than you think you do.

Make time for each other, remember what you were before lo arrived. After the initial shock has died down a bit (it does after a while and you think, 'ah, I can actually do this!) try to find time to be together as a couple as your lo will eventually leave the nest and your will be alone with your dh again don't be strangers to each other.

If your lo leaves the nest and is independant then you have done your jobs as parents, if they come back to see you, you have done it well

You will both be learning how to be parents - be patient with each other
Don't expect him to be able to read your mind - tell him what you need him to day
Make sure you set aside time for yourselves-get your mums/friends to babysit as soon as you feel comfortable and go out, just the two of you, even if only for an hour. the longer you leave your first outing the harder it will be.

and lots of white wine!!

Go on a date once a month. could be a drink in a pub, out for a meal.. walk in the park, but do it without the baby.

If he works close enough, go and meet him for lunch.

Make some YOU time let him watch the baby, show him you trust him, he is the daddy after all. shared parenting starts from day one even if you are breastfeeding there is LOTS he can do to be a good daddy.

Laugh about the silly things that don't matter... When poo leaks from a nappy, IT doesn't matter... if you get stressed about it he will because both he and the baby take their cues from you.

Stay on MN lots of lovely people to advise you.

Another vote for Babyshock, its a nice helpful non patronising book.

Provided you have a strong committed relationship and you love each other then you will be fine. The first few months are a steep learning curve, primarily because both of you will be so tired, but after that it gets much much better, promise.

Oh and if you feel its all going pear shaped just come on here and tell us about it and we will tell you how we did it 10 times worse.

Good luck.

Tiredness will make you think murderous thoughts. When you are awake at 0426 for the 317th time that night and he is snoring beside you DO NOT STAB HIM however much you might want to. It will all seem better in the morning.

Hug him and tell him you love him often. He made that beautiful baby with you, not for you.

Communicate with each other, don't just talk.

Just because he doesn't do things the same way as you doesn't mean he is doing them the wrong way. It's just his way. It's different. Let him feed the baby/hold the baby/dress the baby his way. But always negotiate on the Big Stuff.

Thank-you for all your thoughts and wisdom and support! So nice, especially when I'm nervous about everything, as well, of course, as really, really excited.

P.S.
I'm sure my (lovely) DH will be also be grateful for all your insight too