I need advise - 2 month affair

[lilacsky89]

I recently found out my partner was having an affair with somebody I know. Both her and myself and my partner have children so it's been a very messy situation because of the kids.

I'm absolutely heartbroken and furious. Of course he has apologised profusely but I know it's a sorry I got caught. As far as I'm aware it was purely sexual - we'd been chatting about plans for the future and I don't think he had intended to leave me for her.

I just don't know what to do, at the moment he isn't living with me, I kicked him straight out, he keeps telling me how much he hates himself for what he has done. I've been very cold and angry with responses.

The thing is, I just want my family back together. I'm so sad for my children and for me having to be alone. I know he's done such an awful thing but the alternative of being a single mum and having a broken family for my children isn't much better than being in an untrustworthy relationship.

I won't rush any decisions, I need to take time for myself and I think he needs the time away to realise what he's done too. But I was thinking I wonder if we could work things out in a year or so, for the kids because I have no intention of finding anybody else, ever.

Trust would be gone for me.

Whatever you decide though just bear in mind that firstly, there's surely a better man than him out there for you. And secondly don't HAVE to have a man at all - really!

affairs happen unfortunately, and more often than many couples admit to. Only you can decide what would be best for you and your current situation. Some women do chose to forgive cheating as staying married and keeping family together trumps everything else. Likewise after some time you might realize that you can’t forgive the betrayal and leave him. Your situation is unique to you.

Very sorry. Of course there are all sorts of things to weigh up, but you should not have to put up with such disrespect and betrayal. That it will cause difficulties in splitting up should not give him a free pass. This is on him. For me, there would be no coming back from this.

Oh I’m so sorry. What a rat. Take your time. Try to get your head straight. I think it’s natural to want things back as they were, to want to try to fix things and go back to how they were. But how can you trust him ever again? He lied to you all. Cheated. And just for fun, from what he’s saying. Personally I’d try to get some counselling for yourself alone and try and process everything carefully before you make any decisions.

The thing is, I just want my family back together. I'm so sad for my children and for me having to be alone. I know he's done such an awful thing but the alternative of being a single mum and having a broken family for my children isn't much better than being in an untrustworthy relationship

Hi OP, I can assure you that there will be plenty of posters coming on here to give you very good advice and assure you that being a single mum is much better than having an untrustworthy relationship - because they've been there, done that and emerged stronger and happier. Both them AND their DC.

I've been there (not the single mum, we had no kids). In the end I couldn't bear the lack of trust, the lies he told (and the ones I didn't find out about) and always having to wonder, is he telling me the truth about where he is and who he's with?

Whatever advice you are given, you don't have to make a decision today and stick to it.

Only you can decide
Hes a cheat, shes a chat, they are equally to blame
He may leave even without you saying so
Cheats are deceivers and will lie and lie unless they just want to leave with their new love

Has he blamed you yet and the woman blamed her OH?

Tell him to naff off, but that is easier said than done

Be careful of STI ect

Some people get through it. And that is your decision to make.

However, he broke your family. He may the decision and he broke the family.

The issue is, you now know he is capable of cheating just because he fancies shagging someone else. He doesn’t even have the excuse of ‘I didn’t realise I was falling in love with her’. I mean that’s a shit excuse, but it’s not like he has deepen feelings for her. He wanted to have sex with her and happily threw you and the kids under the bus while he did.

He is going to have to do a lot of work for a long time to convince you he won’t do it again. But you wouldn’t be staying together for the kids. You would be staying for yourself. That’s ok to admit. But it’s going to be a rocky few years, to get the relationship back to where it should be. You both can’t put all that work in for the kids. It has to be because you want it.

Getting back together because you feel you should will, likely, end in you not trusting him, resenting him, feeling insecure etc The kids don’t need to be around all that.

Has he said why he did it? Is she still with her husband and does he know? Is the affair over? What do your know at this point about where he’s gone?

You've got a lot to consider but I think his reasoning is relevant. I don’t know what excuse he could have that would make you think he wouldn’t do it again, with her or someone else, but that may help your process. eg if he’s claiming work stress and it was a distraction from that what happens next time he’s stressed about something. Or if you two don’t have sex but you don’t mind him going elsewhere for “just sex” maybe you wouldn’t mind turning a blind eye if you get to keep stability etc.

I’m sorry you’re going through this 💐

Get yourself on Surviving Infidelity.

whether you stay or go is YOUR decision, right now you can just process.

This SI site will help you make an informed and ‘safer’ decision.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you.

@lilacsky89 how did you find out? Did he come clean ? Can you imagine co parenting?

You will hear lots of LTB and I would ultimately prepare myself for this eventuality BUT I would be getting my ducks in a row. Make a long term plan, that protects your children and their needs.

Read Coats Protection League thread, it's brilliant and shows exactly how she did it

Im so sorry this happened to you.

For me the home would be broken either way. I wouldnt be able to get over it and hold it over his head forever.
The marriage just wouldnt be the same anymore and i couldnt ever rebuild trust.
People are different though and if you can work through it, then thats great.
Just try to figure out of you can fully let it go and forgive, otherwise you will be miserable.

I also dont think you need to decide right now. Just take it one day at a time and see how it goes.

"The thing is, I just want my family back together. I'm so sad for my children and for me having to be alone. I know he's done such an awful thing but the alternative of being a single mum and having a broken family for my children isn't much better than being in an untrustworthy relationship."

Op, I've done both. I really tried after my stbxh cheated. I couldn't get past betrayal.

We are divorcing. I now have mental peace. Priceless. He of course wants to corn back. Misses family life. Tough.

Turns out he'd cheated on me many times with different people.

If you stay, you will spend the rest of your life wondering if he's going to do it again and it will eat away at every part of you. Only you know if you can live like that for the sake of a family that he threw under the bus for sex. You deserve better.