Wanting to go back to toxic marriage

[GoodGoodFriday]

I know I’m stupid, I know it’s a bad idea. I recently split from STBEX after years of misery. He made me feel absolutely awful about myself, for years. And yet being alone (we have 2 DC) is so hard. I find myself wanting to beg him to come back (he has said no before already, I’m ashamed to admit).

Please, talk some sense into me.

Has anyone else been in this situation? What helped you move on?

Anyone? 😢

He's not kind to you, don't even think of asking him to be with you again
Show your children not to put up with toxic relationships

What makes you think things will be better for you and your children?

Can you list what sorts of things you are finding hard about being alone? What would getting back together help you do that you can't do alone?

It's a bit difficult for people to make any helpful comments without a bit more detail abut why you are feeling this way.

I was in an abusive relationship for a few years. In the end I ran away in terror. It was the start of a long journey of self respect and discovery. You deserve respect and love. I didn't want my kids thinking this was normal. It's not normal. I exercised, got my figure back and started to laugh. Life is good now. I will never walk back into that mistake again. I saw a medium who read my future and said it would be good, she was right. Go for it. This is your life. I will be praying for you.

@goodgoodfriday You need counselling and help to break free of this. otherwise, you will continue it into further abusive relationships. I know cos I've been there.

Contact your local women's aid and get counselling from them. You might not be in abuse now. However, you are in what they call the aftermath of abuse. Link below

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Do.not.do.it!
Im speaking from experience.
Just don’t.

Absolutely.

Instead read WHY DOES HE DO THAT and do the Freedom Programme, @GoodGoodFriday

Change can be intimidating and unsettling. The thought of going back to what you know, however hellish, is comforting.
I remember feeling exactly like you, overwhelmed and frightened.
I persevered and it's 24 years since I left.
Keep paddling OP. You, your DC and your future will appreciate the short term hard work for a brighter, happier life.

Thank you for the replies. I’m just used to being with him, we were together a very long time, since I was barely an adult. I had a difficult childhood - I worry I can’t survive on my own, I can’t parent the kids alone.

I realise I sound pathetic and I’m not, in many ways - I have a great career and loads of friends. I’m still relatively young. I am even in therapy. But it doesn’t stop me feeling like I can’t do this. It just feels impossible.

If you go back all the reasons you split will still be there. You'll likely split up again, and be x years down the road with kids that are older,and you'll not thank yourself for going back.

You did the right thing. You aren't a good match with him but you'll find someone who is a good match. Keep on keeping on x

Yep, Freedom Programme!
Counselling. Lots of reading on abusive relationships. Get some hobbies. Self-help books. Self-care. Focus on the relationship you have with yourself.

Why was it toxic OP?

@goodgoodfriday It's not pathetic. It's part of what we are when we are emotionally damaged.

Like you, I looked altogether on the outside. I was bought up in what they call today "affluent neglect/abuse" and recreated it in my adulthood.

I finally got away with my now adult children. I'm glad you're in therapy. I do suggest you look at support from women's aid too as it is specialist for them.

The pain you're experiencing is part of the letting go of the only comfort blanket you have known.

We always want to go back to what we know even though we know it's no good for us. It's comfortable.

When I met my 2nd husband, I didn't get it. I didn't understand love without abuse. I used to push his buttons to react. He didn't. I finally learnt to accept that what I had known wasn't normal.

The aftermath hovers around, I've found. Sometimes, it can still come up. I've been left, the ex, for 24 years. Sometimes, a word a song, a film can bring it back. I've learnt the dealing tools today.

One of the biggest tools for me I use is ODAAT, which stands for One Day At A Time. It's a mantra I repeat when I'm in pain or everything overwhelming me.

I can do something for today. Living in the day is learnt, and I had to. When I'm anxious and don't think I can cope, I'm always thinking of yesterday or/and tomorrow.

Meditation, mindfulness, writing, getting the thoughts out of my head are all things I've learnt to do over the years as I need them. Good luck

If it was a recent split, it would take time for you to severe the bond that you formed with him. At least 2 years, I would say.

You have previously formed bonds with people who don’t care much about you from your childhood and that’s probably a survival mechanism from when you were young and dependent on them as a care giver. There is a saying that negative attention is more desirable than no attention. This is usually used in the context of abused children still craving their neglectful parents’ love and acting up to try and get it but it may apply to you as well, as you may still have the same patterns from when you were young and it was about survival. You probably likewise feel as if you can’t survive without your ex, even though you are now an adult.

It looks as if your ex has discarded you anyway. So he has done you a favour. I would use the time to work with your therapist. Be honest with them and tell them that you often crave to be back in a relationship with your abusive ex and put together strategies to reduce the cravings. For example massages for physical touch, volunteering for emotional connection and going low contact with the ex as well. No calls, no allowing him in the house - email contact only and talk only about the kids.

You don’t really love him
or want him back - what you want is perceived security of a two parent household. But an abusive partner is not going to provide that for you. If you are struggling with parenting alone, could you ask family to chip in for some respite?

Difficult childhood
together longer than we weren't
worried about managing alone
have children

all of the above for me but turns out I'm stronger than I knew.

You get one life. Don't waste it being miserable. You can't go back as he said no. You shouldn't go back as it is a really bad idea.

tell yourself you can and will and must do this alone and get on with it

You don't need him. You can do this by yourself. You are not stupid, he has treated you so badly and made you believe this about yourself. It is common for those who have been in abusive relationships to have cPTSD. Please seek help and support as suggested by the previous posters. Keep moving forwards, you've got this.