Is your partner emotionally supportive? Help please

[Helloookittee]

Am I asking too much of DH? I’m currently feeling very low with depression and probably perimenopause symptoms and I just feel isolated and unsupported. I’m not expecting him to be my mum but he’s spent the weekend gardening, he’s gone for a long walk with the dog and when I’ve tried to talk to him, he has accused me of trying to make him feel bad. His common phrase is not to blame him for what’s wrong in the world. I haven’t though. I’ve kept in our bedroom, feeling quite tearful and sad.

I’ve tried to reach out to family and friends but I get the impression no one needs my negative energy around.

Are men like this?

Hi OP, firstly I’m sorry you’re struggling at the moment.

How is your relationship and communication with your husband in general? How well do you understand each other & each others needs?

I ask because I wonder if it’s possible that he just isn’t sure what you need and is assuming what you need is space so he thinks getting out with the dog etc is actually helpful?

I would say DH & I are really well connected in that sense, we have strong communication and we do understand each other & are able to read each other quite well. This means that most of the time my husband can almost read a situation/my mood and he knows what kind of “support” I need most, sometimes that means giving me a cuddle, talking things out with me, running me and a bath and cooking us a meal etc, other times that means knowing I just need to be left alone to get my head straight again. Either way, he is supporting me the way I need, but that “support” can look different depending on the individual situation, a strong relationship means he knows what it is I need, but maybe if
your communication is lacking your husband thinks keeping out of the way is helping when actually you need something else?

I'm sorry youre feeling so low.

I do wonder if he is just trying to find a way through and is perhaps even struggling with depression himself. Being outside as much as possible and exercising might be his way of managing those symptoms. And I guess someone does need to walk the dog.

Are you having any counselling, or any medication? Is there anything that helps you? It does sound as if the depression is making you focus on interactions with others and interpreting them so negatively.

Big hug to you.
I have finally got myself into a more menopausal than perimenopausal state, and I can tell you I've never felt as vulnerable as I did through peri menopause. I needed looking after. I had horrible brain fog and depression and a collapse of confidence. And I didn't get it. My DH didn't - could not - comprehend what it felt like. He was very much, I think it's best to let her get on with it: thinking it was a bit like PMT, maybe. I was only able to tell him about the vulnerability afterwards, and since then he's been better.

Mine is not a particularly emotionally available person, this I know, I have always known. He is far better if I can give him concrete needs that he can easily fulfil. Like, I need a hug. Could I ask you to put those things we talked about in an email or I won't remember. Can you do your family stuff by yourself this time. Would you make me a doctor's appointment. Would he respond to that sort of cue? There's every chance it is temporary until you can get through it, get some HRT maybe, be sure to tell him that!

No, 'men' aren't 'like this'. People have different needs and people.have diffeent capacities for supporting emotionally.

I'm 49 and in the throes of (peri?)menopause. I've told my partner about a few things I'm experiencing and he listenes but doesnt really offer anything. What can he offer? I dont want sympathy, he can't empathise and he can't offer practical solutions.

He has a lot more lived experience of menopause than I do but he stil can't offer anything because he knows women's experience of it are different.

If I take myself to bed or need some time on my own, he will get on with gardening or tidying the house etc. But I don't really feel the need to talk about how I'm feeling because I don't really see the point or feel the need.

I’ve tried to reach out to family and friends but I get the impression no one needs my negative energy around.

Can you elaborate on this?

IME of older friends who've been through menopause etc, they would talk about it together, joke, laugh, take the piss put of themselves a little bit in a light hearted way. They all knew that they didn't need to go into chapter and verse about it because they all knew the others 'got it'. They didn't need to convince anyone.

It is also quite hard to be on the receiving end if someone wants to 'doomdump', especially if it happens a lot, because very few people have no problems of their own and most people want to enjoy themselves if they meet with friends etc and forget about problems for a while. Not listen to someone else's.

Most people are happy to do it once or even a few times but when they sense that that is what they are going to get every time they meet up, they do start to withdraw. Unless people are 'rescuers' and feel a strong desire to listen and support (usually to the detriment of, or as a way of avoiding addressing, their own needs/problems), they are really just putting their own boundaries in place to protect their own MH.

I’m not on any medication but receiving counselling. I used to feel supported by him. He helps with children, we had equal house tasks, booked holidays, we were very understanding of each others’ stresses from work, family, etc, but I don’t feel this is the case anymore.

He's still out and has texted that the issue is I always look for problems and that he’s not the main cause of my depression. He gets exasperated rather than sympathetic. He shuts down me explaining my depression, thinking I’m going to attack him. We’ve not had sex for ages, I get the impression he thinks I’m a drain. I hate how hormones have impacted me but his lack of compassion makes my depression worse. If I try explaining he gets seriously defensive. I’m struggling a lot today with feeling on my own.

He lost his father last year and sunk into a deep depression and drinking binge which affected us as a family. He is having treatment but I get the impression he doesn’t have the emotional bandwidth for my needs, my counsellor thinks he’s selfish and abusive.

Thank you for your honest words. I’m definitely not a doom dumper as too many times that’s been my role in friendships. I’ve not really wanted to go out and socialise as I feel so low, one friend understands but she’s going through a tough mental crisis at the moment, I can’t talk about my depression and marriage woes with her.

I don’t expect DH to be my mum but lately he’s just detached from me. Stays late at work, on his phone when he wakes up, he’s always up around 5am and in bed early. The last few years have been awful for both of us, I was supportive and got him the help he needed but I feel like it’s not reciprocated. He’s a practical fixer and he was affectionate in previous years but nowadays I just get rolled eyes and irritation.

Am I asking too much of DH

What are you asking of him?

I’m not sure now! Affection, support, kindness not being ignored?

And what would he say if you told him that you'd like some affection, support, and kindness, and that you ask nothing else of him?

You didn't know straight off what you were asking him, so it's pretty likely that he doesn't know either, and that could be the source of the problem.

Or he could just be an insensitive emotional philistine, but it might be worth considering other options.

When he was in his darkest times I showed him love and understanding. I begged him to get help too.

He knows behind my depression is my need for him to offer me support. He dodges doing so and then gets highly critical, defensive and frustrated if I ask too much. He has been out all day, he’s now gone to collect DC from various play dates/ activities so he has successfully avoided being with me and my negative energy.

@Helloookittee

He'll be one of the major reasons you have negative energy, then. Nobody would feel good in response to that pattern of behavior.

It doesn't really matter what 'men' are like, or who else's partner is/isn't like this. He's making you miserable by treating you in an unpleasant way. Focus on how you feel, rather than whether he's 'justified' or 'normal'.

He’s a practical fixer and he was affectionate in previous years but nowadays I just get rolled eyes and irritation

When we were younger (20s), I used to offload on my brother a bit. Crappy family history, only had each other sort of thing.

Anyway, one day he flipped out at me and started shouting, "What do you want me to do about it? I can't fix everyone's problems when I'm fixing my own!"

I was stunned at the time because I hadn't ever hoped, wanted or needed him to find a solution. But every time I spoke to him, that's what he heard - can you fix this for me? Solve this problem!

Some people are like that and hear someone offloading as them being given a problem to solve even when the person just wants to get it out of their head.

My brother had no idea I was just 'talking'. And things improved a lot after that!

Could this be happening with your husband? It might explain his not to blame for everything in the world comment?

Essentially, have you communicated clearly and uncritically what it is you actually need from him?

It possibly shouldn't be necessary, no, but sometimes a conversation can recalibrate feelings, expectations and perceived expectations.

I think you’re right, he doesn’t have the bandwidth to offer you as much support as you want. I’m not going to ask when last year his father died because grief doesn’t have a set time frame, but I’m guessing it was less than a year ago or I think you would have said.

I also think you need to find a new counsellor because his behaviour isn’t abusive. He’s listened. What more can he do? What can anyone do? It’s a natural process that all women go through. That’s why, as a previous poster mentioned, a lot of women make jokes about it. It’s crap but not the worst thing in the world. I also don’t think he’s being selfish, for the same reason. Anyone who is living with someone who is almost constantly unhappy needs to get away for the sake of their own health even when there is a good reason for the unhappiness.

Menopause is a long process so it will serve you well if you can find a way to get through it with a bit more equanimity. I’m not saying that will be easy but it will definitely make you feel better and in less need of support.

I also think he is probably still dealing with his grief. It's shitty timing.

@GreyCarpet

I think the thing you said about your brother is a really common paradigm. It's annoying from the point of view of the person in your position, too, because the person tries to help, when you really just want to be heard.

Have you seen this? @Helloookittee , have you seen it? Might be relevant.

it's not about the nail - Google Search

that YouTube short has made me laugh @Watchkeys as I get it about the fixing/ emotional connection. I think/know he is still grieving but then again he wasn’t close, close to his dad. Strange family dynamic too outing to reveal on here.

I probably sound self absorbed and selfish on this thread as I’m longing for affection and him to be kinder to me, even during his grief.

10000% this OP.

He is not being abusive, and if your counsellor has genuinely said that then you need to find a new one.

It sounds like he has been through a difficult time himself and likely just has nothing left to give right now. It’s not ideal or perfect but we are all only human and cannot pour from an empty cup.

I probably sound self absorbed and selfish on this thread as I’m longing for affection and him to be kinder to me, even during his grief

No, you sound like you are responding to your own needs. You are allowed needs, you know.

He’s home and having a take away with DC. I’m watching stuff in bed on Netflix. I’m not sure where we’ll go with all this but I will seek out new medication as the more I’m talking that it could be hormone related. Thank you for your comments on here. It’s helped to feel listened to and not be accused of being a drain!

Absolutely. The thing that stood put for me the most at the time was that we both thought the other was being unreasonable and yet we'd completely misunderstood what the other's expectations of us were.

As always, communication is key!