Mismatch idea of spending time together

[FeelStupidEvenAsking]

I'm really struggling here. I know neither of us is at fault but I'm finding it hard to understand how we can be so different and he cannot see what I see. Obviously he thinks the same thing about me.

The issue is this: we don't spend enough time together (me) vs we spend loads of time together (him).

I am struggling to understand how he thinks seeing me for a few hours a week is enough time. I feel on the bottom of the pile. He feels pressure from me and thinks we see each other plenty as we do see each other a few times a week. For context some of those days are for about an hour a time. What do others think?

it’s not a mismatched understand of time together

it’s a fundamental mismatch where one partner (you) likes the other (him) a heck of a lot more

I am struggling to understand how he thinks seeing me for a few hours a week is enough time.

when you aren’t bothered about the other person.

I have been in a relationship where from my perspective… it was a bit of fun and i really wasn’t fussed whether i saw him or not. Whereas he clearly felt very differently. In the end i had to be be very clear that it was enough for me and as i didn’t want to mislead him… it was over

i felt real relief after that.

Sadly I actually thought this. I wonder if he even likes me. He tells me he loves me all the time and I do believe him but I don't think he likes my personality any more. I think what was once endearing is now a nuisance to him. I would rather he just told me.

why wait op?

how long have you been together

18 months. He's talking about moving in together and getting married. That's what's so confusing.

How much do you actually see each other? A few times a week sounds ok.
What are his other pressures? I assume he works. Commutes? Does shifts? Sees other family?

Do you share hobbies? Does he have a hobby that he commits a lot of time to - eg. football three nights a week? Do you typically spend weekends together?

People have busy lives. Obviously if you live together, you would spend more time together, and you are more likely to share friendship groups.

What would be ideal for you?

we do see each other a few times a week

and still a “few hours”? never stays over?

is your life otherwise quite empty? do you work? children? friends? hobbies?

Ignore what he says about the future, words come easy.

If the "few hours" he sees you each week are enough for him he is hardly going to suddenly want to be around you 24/7 is he?

This is not a runner. Stop leaving the decisions in his hands, tell him this isn't working for you and move on.

So this weekend I'm seeing him for a couple of hours. We had more plans but he has cancelled as he is going out drinking instead. I will then see him on Friday. So in total about 3 hours this week.

He works as do I. He does more hours than me. I have more family nearby but he probably sees friends more than I do as I have a young DD. I occasionally do a hobby but it is when DD is with her father.

I know it's not either party who is right or wrong. It's just a misalignment. But it does hurt.

so you work and have a young child

surely a few times a week is pretty good going?! does he stay over?

in any event op… he simply doesn’t sound keen.

A man who was into you wouldn’t cancel your plans together for a night drinking with his mates, especially when you don’t get much free time anyway.

And of course he’s talking moving in and marriage - he’s got to keep you hanging on. And red flags that if he moves in, he’ll have you on tap while he carries on doing exactly what he wants.

I do think some people are happy with their gf/bf being the equivalent of a hobby, something you do a few times a week.

Do you have sex every time you see each other, especially if it's just a few hours? If so maybe that's his priority but if you go out and spend time together before he's off to do something else that does sound more like a relationship.

There's no right and wrong here. If you want a partner you see most days and spend 50% of your time with and he doesn't then you are not well matched and need to move on. Be clear about what you want and believe his actions not his words.

I guess it depends on circumstances - you have a young child so that's not going to leave much time for adult/couples stuff? Both me and my partner have children from previous relationships, and that prevents us from cohabiting. It also means we only get to spend time together as a couple for one and half days fortnightly, every other weekend. There's been times where we haven't seen each other in person for quite a while, up to a couple of months, just because kids and family have taken priority. But when we are child free spending quality time together is our next priority.

On the one hand, he's dating you and not your family, on the other if you're seriously considering living together then he needs to take your child as part of the package. It sounds like he's only interested in spending time with you when you're on your own/after dd has gone to bed?

Shit that he's cancelled your plans together so he can go drinking without you. If that's a regular thing then it's a major red flag, indicating that his primary relationship is with alcohol and his mates, or at least that he's not ready to settle down into being a parent.