New relationship lacks emotional aspect

[ByDaringPoster]

Hi all, first time poster and a long time reader!

My new partner and I, both middle 20's, have been in a relationship for almost 5 months. Things had been flowing pretty easily at the start, I felt a good connection and there was always something to talk about. Of course, at the beginning we were more uptight with ourselves, trying to be our best versions. Sex has been great from the beginning and has stayed consistent, but unfortunately I believe that is the only consistency we have had where I don't see any negatives.

Quite frankly, I feel like there is a lack in the emotional aspect of things. I do not feel comfortable around him sharing my feelings due to some instances. He is extremely confident, is not afraid to speak his mind etc which I believe is a result of our different upbringings, I am the opposite. I lack the confidence, I am afraid of opening up with my feelings due to being punished for it as a child. Now, he encourages me to be communicative in that regard. He has stated multiple times that if something is wrong, he would like to know. Last week, in one of the new instances, I had listened to him venting about his day. Then, I tried doing the same to keep the conversation going, and as I was opening up about feeling a little down due to some circumstances in life, he simply and plainly told me he does not have the energy to talk about it right now. I pointed that out the next day that I already struggle to express myself, and it was a little awful of him to shut me down like that. He told me he doesn't see that as a problem, as he was only expressing himself too, that he didn't have the capacity to listen to me in that moment.

Plans seem to be made on his terms most of the time. He does take initiative as he is very confident and isn't afraid of rejection. However, every time I attempt to make plans, he almost never adjusts to my time. I love spending time with him, but I feel like the only way for that to happen is if I adjust myself to him. I ask to meet earlier in the day to spend more time with him, however he will always put priority over other things, such as cooking, gym, and other errands and will tell me no, evening suits him better. That would be fine, if this wasn't to happen almost EVERY TIME.

I don't know where to go from here. I like him a lot, and he seems to be expressing that back, but his actions say otherwise. I feel like I come at the bottom of his priority and to do list. I am really starting to question myself. Maybe my expectations and needs are too high....or am I something that is least important to him?

Please offer your perspectives and help me untangle the situation.

A few months into dating and you’re now seeing the real him rather than the best behaviour version and he’s not who you thought he was.

Hes showing you by his actions that your wants and needs don’t matter and that his take priority.

Personally I’d say ‘this isn’t working for me’ and walk away

Couldn't be with someone who expects to call all the shots.
We'd fall out.

Fine for him to want to carry on with his jgym, cooking etc but not fine to offload on you then refuse to reciprocate any support. If everything is on his terms with zero willingness to compromise then he is selfish. Don't be with someone who makes you feel low priority. Good that he is confident and has boundaries but don't mistake all of that for inflexibility and self centered behaviour.

It shouldn’t be like that at only 5 months in (or ever!), just end it.

Yep, you've worked out that the mismatch between your personalities is leading to an unhealthy dynamic where he's the default leader and overrides you at every turn. He may not even be consciously aware of this - in my experience super-confident people like him can't really comprehend how anyone can lack confidence, and why they wouldn't speak up if they wanted something different. Which means he doesn't truly get who you are or why you are the way you are.

I think this is essentially incompatibility and you're right to question if it's working for you. If you want to give the relationship a go I'd recommend refusing to adjust to him, pushing back to do what you want to do wherever possible, and making plans without him so that seeing him is a pleasant thing that fits into your life, rather than you bending around to suit him. But honestly I would recommend ending it as the better option.

If he is as confident and dynamic as you describe, he will need someone he can respect for the long haul, who can hold her own for her own needs.

There's a funny little song by Jonathan Richman called 'The Girl Stands Up To Me Now'. Covers this perfectly and with a light touch!

Good luck with it OP!

I have got the opposite problem to you in some ways op. Where my partner never has an opinion on anything and never wants to do anything. There is nothing to discuss.

So I am the pita presumably, but I would love things to be more equal

No advice btw, just commiserating.

I'm trying to accept people don't really change, so I guess it is simply incompatibility

This.

Amdnit won't get any better either. You've said yourself that he doesn't see a problem with the way he is or how he expresses himself.

There is nothing you will be able to say that will change how he sees things.

In reality, he will either always be like this (I briefly dated a man in his mod 50s who was exactly like this despite many failed relationships for this very reason). Or he will mature and realise for himself that this isn't the way to engage in a relationship.

The latter is unlikely.

And even if he does mature and develop emotionally, it won't happen whilst he is in a relationship with you because the dynamics are already established thee. The only way you will be able to continue seeing him is of you decide that your needs and emotional well being are equally unimportant to you. By which point, you would have become a shadow of a person and have little to offer or contribute to the relationship anyway.

The sex might be great but lots of men are good at sex and are emotionally aware.

You are seeing the real him not his best behaviour dating version. He isn’t helping you talk more express yourself by saying what he said. He wants it on his terms. That won’t change I dated someone like that after a year I realised it wouldn’t ever change. I broke it off so should you as you deserve better. It’s hard it’s sad but he isn’t for you I feel. Someone will be and you are young it will happen. Good luck.