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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Postpartum & unsupportive partner

7 replies

Sophie5665 · 30/03/2024 10:02

I don't know whether I am just being highly emotional and hormonal or whether my partner has really changed towards me.
Before our baby was born, we weren't a perfect couple and would bicker, but most couples do right? Even though we weren't perfect It was obvious he cared about my feelings and took my emotions on board. He was affectionate and intimate with me before.
Since having our baby, I believe my parent has completely changed.
I am 3 months postpartum and have struggled with my emotions. I often feel overwhelmed, upset and lonely. I have tried talking to my partner about these feelings and he just tells me to "grow up " etc. He never listens to how I feel, and fobs my feelings off. If I tell him I'm having a bad day he says "well nothing has changed, you were depressed before".
He is hardly affectionate/intimate with me and acts like it's a chore. He doesn't seem interested in sex unless it's ME pleasuring HIM. I told him I don't feel attractive to him anymore and he just says "you're insecure".
He is a workaholic- he resells clothes online and spends every minute of the day on his phone responding to messages. When I tell him I feel like I have been pushed to the bottom of the pile he just replies "I need to make money" which I get... but it doesn't mean he can't show attention to me or the baby?
I have recently told him I am not happy with him giving girls his number. He does this in regards to his business, but I don't see why he can't keep his business and personal life seperate? Can't he use a business account? It upsets me when I'm not getting his attention yet he can find time to message these women (regardless of the convos).
everytine I bring this up to him he just shouts at me and makes me feel worthless. Why the need to shout? Why can't we have an adult conversation? everytine I bring something up he just tells me to "get out of his flat" or "find somewhere else to live" even though I have a 3 month old baby???
my family live 2 hours away and I feel like I have no where to live anymore. I wanted to be a happy family and I want to be the best mother I can be to my son but I just feel so broken.
please can someone tell me whether I am over reacting or not?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sophie5665 · 30/03/2024 10:05

Partner *

OP posts:
StrawberryWater · 30/03/2024 10:25

You’re not over reacting.

Leave if you can and go and see a GP for your postpartum issues (though honestly I think most of them will clear up ince you leave your cold partner).

FPCculture · 30/03/2024 10:37

Question: regarding the number issue, what is the conversations they have ? That can change the whole view to this issue .

SiberFox · 30/03/2024 10:39

First year after baby is a horrible time for most relationship I think. If i were you, I wouldn’t make any rushed decisions just yet. You ARE hormonal/emotional, and he might be struggling emotionally too - you mention him working a lot, well he might be feeling a lot of pressure to provide and grow income now that baby is here, and your criticising him for that is probably not helpful.

If you often feel down, you might need to speak to GP for mental health support too. I say that as someone whose husband had a depression in the first months after birth, and after a while I just couldn’t take his low moods, complaints, insecurities etc anymore. I told him that he has to find a therapist, talk more to his friends about how he feels, not JUST me. I totally get how you might be feeling so soon after birth, been there and I feel for you, but I also know how exhausting and disheartening it is to be with a partner who is leaning on you for 100% of emotional support. After my husband had a few therapy sessions, he felt much better and I was more able to connect with him too now that I wasn’t his only support.

If your family are far away, you need friends for support, to vent, to understand you as a new mum - do you do baby groups? peanut app is another good way to connect with new mums.

Your partner’s behaviour isn’t great but I don’t know of any couple that didn’t struggle with a small baby. There is hope!

FPCculture · 30/03/2024 10:40

You are best to go to your parents at this stage and you may get child support after but with him being self employed ,you may fond it hard . Good luck

Ivorymoon · 30/03/2024 10:41

I’m so sorry you are going through this at such a vulnerable time. I am 4 months postpartum and know how difficult it is, and that’s without an emotionally immature manchild in my home! His behaviour is not normal and not okay. If he is unable to have a mature conversation, reflect and amend his behaviour accordingly then I think you need to leave this relationship. Please seek support from others in your life, don’t be alone 💐

Ivorymoon · 30/03/2024 10:45

SiberFox · 30/03/2024 10:39

First year after baby is a horrible time for most relationship I think. If i were you, I wouldn’t make any rushed decisions just yet. You ARE hormonal/emotional, and he might be struggling emotionally too - you mention him working a lot, well he might be feeling a lot of pressure to provide and grow income now that baby is here, and your criticising him for that is probably not helpful.

If you often feel down, you might need to speak to GP for mental health support too. I say that as someone whose husband had a depression in the first months after birth, and after a while I just couldn’t take his low moods, complaints, insecurities etc anymore. I told him that he has to find a therapist, talk more to his friends about how he feels, not JUST me. I totally get how you might be feeling so soon after birth, been there and I feel for you, but I also know how exhausting and disheartening it is to be with a partner who is leaning on you for 100% of emotional support. After my husband had a few therapy sessions, he felt much better and I was more able to connect with him too now that I wasn’t his only support.

If your family are far away, you need friends for support, to vent, to understand you as a new mum - do you do baby groups? peanut app is another good way to connect with new mums.

Your partner’s behaviour isn’t great but I don’t know of any couple that didn’t struggle with a small baby. There is hope!

This is quite a gaslighty response. The OP has given multiple examples of her partner being dismissive and outright nasty to her. This is not her hormones clouding her judgement - any self respecting person would struggle being treated this way by someone who supposedly loved them. This is not normal struggles most couples have with a baby - please raise your own standards here and stop minimising shitty behaviour.

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