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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Struggling with his ex and their relationship

17 replies

Inserteasternamehere · 30/03/2024 09:52

Hello. I know I’m being pretty unreasonable here. Need help to get past this! DBF of 2 years, don’t live together but spend a lot of time ( most nights) my kids grown and away. He has much younger primary ages. I was widowed, he’s separated, never married. The fact he has such a close relationship with his ex is doing my head in. I know it’s better for his children that they get on. No worries that either want to get back together- she has a new partner. It’s just Constant messaging though. They share 50/50. When his children are not with him she messages all the time, youngest doesn’t have a phone. Pictures of what they are up to, ‘do you remember when’ type of stuff. He tends to hide the majority of it as he knows it bothers me. I just think I’m not cut out for it really. But I love the vast majority of our relationship and get on great with his children. And I know that it would be much easier if I was just cool with it. But I’m not.

OP posts:
Causewerethespecialtwo · 30/03/2024 10:22

I can totally understand that could make you feel uncomfortable, but it sounds like they have a good co-parenting relationship and you don’t have any concerns about them overstepping any boundaries?

Keep reminding yourself that it is SO much better that they get on well for the sake of their kids. So many people have issues with the ex causing problems, drama, being mean, turning kids against the other parent, being difficult over contact etc etc - just be thankful this is not your life. Maybe read threads on the step-parenting board and remind yourself that you have it better than most x

youarenotfunnyLDN · 30/03/2024 10:56

I hate to break it to you but this is common with ex partners who share young kids and do not have animosity towards each other . One has to be prepared to deal with such issues or leave the situation.

I have kids myself and I do this too ,my kids have tablets but the mum texts and calls to update me almost daily. If this doesn't happen .
I wish I would lie to you and say it's gonna stop but until they are 13/14 it won't. The danger of this is that it will take her being single again for you to have further issues to worry about

HebburnPokemon · 30/03/2024 10:59

youarenotfunnyLDN · 30/03/2024 10:56

I hate to break it to you but this is common with ex partners who share young kids and do not have animosity towards each other . One has to be prepared to deal with such issues or leave the situation.

I have kids myself and I do this too ,my kids have tablets but the mum texts and calls to update me almost daily. If this doesn't happen .
I wish I would lie to you and say it's gonna stop but until they are 13/14 it won't. The danger of this is that it will take her being single again for you to have further issues to worry about

Why the constant updates? Is one of the children SEN?

Nearlyalmostholidays · 30/03/2024 11:09

Oh dear, this could easily be me! Although we both do it a fair bit. It’s not always daily. The kids are young, I just assume most parents like seeing what their kids are up to? Just on a “how lovely, looks like fun” basis. Also, the day to day things they get up to, developments, friendships or problems to resolve… no one has the same interest in them or loves them in the same way as their parents? It’s not remotely about being together as a couple.

NotStayingIn · 30/03/2024 11:15

Why is the close relationship with his ex doing your head in? You say it is, but not sure it’s clear why?

HebburnPokemon · 30/03/2024 11:22

Nearlyalmostholidays · 30/03/2024 11:09

Oh dear, this could easily be me! Although we both do it a fair bit. It’s not always daily. The kids are young, I just assume most parents like seeing what their kids are up to? Just on a “how lovely, looks like fun” basis. Also, the day to day things they get up to, developments, friendships or problems to resolve… no one has the same interest in them or loves them in the same way as their parents? It’s not remotely about being together as a couple.

Do you have a partner?

Original poster
Inserteasternamehere · 30/03/2024 11:46

I know it could be so much worse. And I can’t really put my finger on why it bothers me so much - and completely know it’s better for the children. It just feels intrusive somehow. I pretty much keep quiet as it’s very much not my place to micro manage their co-parenting relationship. But I do have a reaction when we can be doing things together and his phone is constantly pinging. It also makes him sad and stops him being in the moment as he really does miss them when they are with their mother - a random picture of them eating an icecream doesn’t help. But yes, it’s part of the package and I do get it

OP posts:
MILTOBE · 30/03/2024 11:51

I know I would struggle with this but wanted to put the other side forward. One of the worst things about separation is not having someone to talk to who went through the same thing at the same time. Nobody else will ever be as interested or know as much about what happened as the other person. It's something both my ex and I really struggled with.

Original poster
Inserteasternamehere · 30/03/2024 11:55

Yeah I do get that. My husband died and so I do get that no one else will ever really share the highs and lows of parenting these particular children. And the ex is fine as it goes, they didn’t get along - she had an affair in the end but they both say the relationship was dead. Time to count my blessings and not bother about it I think!

OP posts:
MILTOBE · 30/03/2024 12:00

What will happen, if your relationship continues, is that he will be experiencing more things with you, so those memories will be shared with you rather than with his ex.

I'm really sorry your husband died. My ex died and one of the things that upset me was the thought of losing someone who experienced all those years together. I'm not sure whether other people experience that with an ex - it seems a bit of a forbidden topic, really.

Original poster
Inserteasternamehere · 30/03/2024 12:04

Yes I can imagine @MILTOBE - even if a relationship had broken down, it’s like a shared repository of memories. Grief and loss are buggers and complicated. It’s definitely affecting me with all this ex nonsense too!

OP posts:
Original poster
Inserteasternamehere · 30/03/2024 12:07

I think that might be at the heart of it actually, I’m a bit jealous that they still have that and my children’s father is gone. Not anyone’s fault and I need to suck it up!

OP posts:
MILTOBE · 30/03/2024 12:08

That's really sad, isn't it? But as long as their relationship isn't flirtatious, I'd go for a man who has a healthy relationship with his ex over one who calls her a crazy bitch who spends all his child maintenance on having her nails done!

Original poster
Inserteasternamehere · 30/03/2024 12:11

No, no flirting at all and he makes me feel very loved. Guess I’m after unattainable perfection- unlikely in my 50s!

OP posts:
Causewerethespecialtwo · 30/03/2024 12:24

That totally makes sense that it may be more painful to see their shared experience of their children, when you lost your ability to have that when you lost the father of your own children. Don’t be hard on yourself. Have you explained to your partner that it’s difficult for you because of your own loss? Hopefully he will understand and be a bit more sensitive about it and avoid upsetting you.

GreyCarpet · 30/03/2024 18:34

I suspect it bothers you partly because it doesn't feel like an 'exclusive' relationship. I don't mean in a sexual sense, just in the sense that it isn't just you and him. Or even you, him and his children.

It's you, him, his children and, by extension, his ex partner.

It isn't for everyone. When my childen were younger, it was one of the factors in my decision to stay single and to not date a man with dependent children. Tbh, I didn't want to have to consider the needs of anyone other than my own children.

Mine and my now partner's children are aged between 18 and 27. We both have exes with whom we are amcable for the sake of the children but we no longer need to 'co-parent' in the way we would had the children still been young.

As others have said, this just makes it even more obvious to you that your children sadly don't have that shared parental experience.

cheshirebloke · 30/03/2024 20:51

It does sound excessive just for updates on what the kids are getting up to. Sometimes making arrangements for things (hand overs, parents evenings, birthday parties, school holidays etc) can take a fair bit of back and forth. But updates on what the kids have been doing whilst with their other parent multiple times a day aren't generally necessary or useful. It'd drive me up the wall if my ex did that. I'd rather find of by the kids telling me themselves after they've come back home.

There could also be an element of gloating or attempts to outdo each other as parents: "look what DC did with me today / look at what you're missing out on". If they get on well enough to be on constant communication then why did they split up?

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