Relationship with my sister feels strained..

[orangeafternoon]

I'm feeling a bit sad about how things have slowly changed between my sister and I over the years.

Dsis is a year older than me and we're both early 30s. As kids we didn't always get on very well, I always felt she was quite patronising and put me down a lot to make herself feel better, made fun of me etc. we got on better in our 20s, when we would spend time with our partners and go out for meals etc, but I still always felt wary of her, I guess a bit nervous of her, because I've always felt she doesn't have my best interests at heart, I've always felt I'm her bench mark and she has always been better with me when I've been having a hard time, if I've done well I've felt her withdraw from me.

Anyway, saw her yesterday with her DH. They have 1 toddler, we have a toddler and a baby. The kids get on great which is nice, and I was really looking forward to doing a little Easter afternoon with them, but after they left DH and I just felt totally drained by it.

Both Sis and BIL were constantly making comparisons, so if they were talking about their DS they would have to mention another boy his age who wasn't doing this yet, or was doing that but the parents are pushy type thing.
They talk a lot about money, how much something costs, and go into lots of detail about the payment side of something. They'd say stuff like "so and so over the road earns 6 figured but doesn't exactly have much to show for it.."
Dsis would ask me where we're planning go to go away to this year, and then explain why I should've paid for it in another way to get money off.
If we spoke about food at a nice restaurant she has been to another which is "better than the restaurant I named".

It's relentless, and just bad company. DH said he was exhausted afterwards.
What doesn't help is BIL is obsessed with making dirty jokes, which was funny pre children but now the children are starting to listen it's bothering me more.

Anyway, I feel bad but I just don't want to see them anymore, I don't want to give them any info about us because they run away with it. I feel like I'm firmly in the young family years where I don't care about wealth and status like I might've done in the past. But my Dsis is very much still caring about that kind of thing.

Shall I separate myself a bit? Anyone else have a similar experience?

They sound horrible. The dirty jokes alone would put me right off. He shouldn’t be doing that in front of children. Just minimise contact as much as possible and don’t invite them round.

Hopeful bump x

@Theraininspainfalls
Yes I think I'm going to do that.

The weird thing is, is I think BIL does it to try and be overpowering, and unpleasant in a passive aggressive way. He's a strange guy and rather insecure so I think it's his way of trying to make himself feel better by making others feel uncomfortable.

Your BIL sounds really unpleasant, OP, and I can see why neither you nor your DH enjoy spending time with them/feel drained afterwards. You said things were better in your 20s than when you were younger and who knows — maybe things will improve again in time. For now though, I don’t think anyone would blame you for taking a step back.

This sounds a lot like the relationship I have with my sister. It has definitely got worse since I got married and had my own family. I honestly think she always thought she was the only one of us who would marry, have a family and a nice house etc. And she cant accept the fact that I have married and have children and live much closer to our parents so help to support them (one of which has a pretty serious disability).

It really drains me spending time with her. She is very rude to me, but gushes over all her friends because they have money or they send their children to private school.

I have no advice for you as I've tried my best to be nice to her but her attitude doesn't change. It really upsets me, especially because all of our kids really get on and my kids would love to spend more time with them. We are seeing them over the holidays and I'm dreading it, but just have to grin and bear it for the day.

It sounds like your sister and BIL are unhappy and/or deeply insecure. No wonder - comparison is the thief of joy.

I would limit contact.

Now I am over 40, I firmly believe that you should surround yourself with people who edify you and leave you feeling encouraged and filled up. Avoid drains at all costs. I am sorry it’s your sister as that must be disappointing but just give them as wide a berth as possible.

Also dirty jokes in front of children 🤮

I've got a sister like that.

When we were young she followed me on to same course at college, would find out where I bought a dress and buy exact same.

Later on she took my mum to look at a house I'd bought( before I moved in ),nosed round garden etc.
Always wary of her,she always asks how much things cost.
She persuaded my mum to move near her and dominated her. I couldn't ever see my mum without her there.

Now older (60s) I moved 200 miles north.
She has followed me up here.
I don't allow her to my house any more as it's too exhausting.
I'm moving to another village 10 miles away soon and am tempted not to reveal address to her .