Wishing my mum was more helpful.

[Hooplashake]

I'm a single mum with about 75% time with my young children, one of whom has autism. I have no support around me at all and see very clearly that most other single mothers I know have a heap of support from their parents. Of course this isn't a sweeping generalisation as I am not one of them and I know others who don't have support either but most do in the circles I am personally in.

My own mother lives 2 hours away.
She visits every three weeks or so and due to her living in one bedroom accommodation with her boyfriend, we can not visit her. Accommodation where she lives also isn't cheap, along with travel costs etc it is expensive to visit her. She moved away from our home town around 5 years ago when she met her now boyfriend.

When she visits, I crave to be able to use the time to get jobs done. For her to watch the children so I can clean, run errands or even have some time to myself or see a friend. I have no other childcare any other time other than my ex who has the children for 2 overnights a week (only from 5pm-8am due to the demands of his work) and once after school for dinner on a day when I'm at work. I organise my own work around school drop offs/pick ups to save on wrap around care and everything inbetween as it if flexible but I often feel like I'm all over the place juggling everything all at once. My ex pays a very good deal of maintenance which I can not complain about.

However, mum often wants to do all singing all dancing days out when she visits, meals out when she visits as if she's on holiday. I am not on holiday. This is my real life and I have things that I need to do. Her husband has periods of agoraphobia and I think she is miserable at home but won't admit it and craves being able to do nice things which is understandable. This puts pressure on me as I feel guilty for asking her to just take the children out without me or watch them for a few hours. She wants me to go out with them as if she isn't confident with them on her own. When I speak to other friends they tell me how their mum will occupy the children or take them to the park so that they can do jobs and errands, but mine seems disappointed when I'm busy during her visits. She acts as if she's on holiday when she's here- never shares in the cooking etc. I'm always cooking for her aswell as the children, if I ask her to cook for us, she'll only want to eat out.

A couple of years ago she made a "joke" about me "using" her for childcare after one weekend where I asked her to watch the children so I could go out with a friend for an evening. She seems to get resentful if I'm not spending all the time with her doing fun stuff. Then I feel guilty.

Would it be unreasonable of me to gently enforce some sort of boundary? I'm not sure what that looks like or what I'd say. I just feel like her expectations and my expectations of her visits are completely different.

What's wrong with that? When my children have children I will be offering to babysit for them.

Sorry op but I agree with this.

You have 2 free nights a week and decent maintenance payments.

I was in a financially abusive marriage, left with next to know money, had no involved grandparents whatsoever, no support etc etc. Husband was at work or with his mates or lying on the sofa. I did everything, never had any free time, never had a full nights sleep or lie in for years. I would have killed for my own peaceful home with no abusive partner, 2 free nights a week and a mum visiting every few weeks. Literally a dream life. I appreciate everything's relative but perhaps time for some gratitude for what you do have.

I do understand that some single mums do have it better. In fact I know plenty who seem to have the best of both worlds. However please remember there are absolutely loads of us on the other end of the scale who don't have it as good as you.

She doesn’t want to, OP. You have to accept what is.

What boundary? That she’s got to commit to and be happy to babysit every time she visits as you don’t really want to spend time with her? By all means give it a go but she’ll probably visit less often.

Why doesn’t your ex have weekend contact? Do you work and are your kids at school?

You say your mum isn’t confident with your children and that one of your dc has autism. Could you all go out together and at least you have an extra pair of hands or eyes and you can relax a bit more? That’s still a help. She is obviously not the kind of mum who wants to clean, cook and look after children and you probably need to accept that.

I think externally I seem to have more support from my family, as they do a lot with me and with my other DC, but they won't look after my DC with SEND (including autism) for anything other than very short periods eg. A smear test or dental appointment. Ex isn't involved at all and my DC is on a very reduced timetable at school as well. It is really hard and I sympathise with your situation. However, I had to accept that a my DC needs specialist care that not everyone can provide. Do you get DLA or carers allowance? Are you in touch with your local autism support services? You may find their are parent support groups and child respite activities. This might be a better way to go than putting your hopes in your mother being able to manage childcare which she has shown is not on offer and she does not feel able to do for you. I imagine she also feels rejected that you do not prioritise and enjoy her time when she comes.

I agree with this poster. Harsh comments on here.

I expect it's also about OP not experiencing any sort of concern or empathy from her mother about trying to fit everything in. It's hurtful when those around you are getting help.

I was with you until you said you get two nights a week without your children and receive a good amount of maintenance…

I was a single parent when my three kids were small. Didn’t get any help at all as no one in my family lived close. During this time as well, my DM became sick with a long progressive illness.

I just got on with it @Hooplashake because I had to. Lower your expectations, it is what it is.

I don’t know what world you all live in where asking your mum to babysit is ‘using’ her! I would do anything to help out my children when and if they have children. My parents were great and I am looking after them very well now in their old age. Also hiring a nanny and/ or cleaner is way above many people’s budget 🙄
OP I think you need to have a heart to heart with your mum and agree to plan each weekend in advance. Tell her you are struggling and what would help, but also tell her that you love seeing her and would like to do some nice things with her too.!Life with young children is relentless especially on your own. She probably isn’t understanding that. There has to some compromise here. You are not running a hotel and she is not hired help.

I'm sorry but the majority of people don't have two free nights a week!
You might feel like you want more support but your mother might feel you already have plenty of child free time and not feel like being an unpaid nanny for you.

It seems like your mum wants to spend quality time with her daughter too which I think is a nicer slant to look at it from.

I hear you with the lack of help, we live 3 hours away from my mum and family and only get to see her when we visit because she doesn’t drive. However I feel that grandparent responsibilities are whatever the grandparent wants them to be, my mum wasn’t part of the decision making process of my family making so why should she have any direct responsilbilities?

It sounds like you are in the trenches of parenting, but as they get older it’ll get easier. I think in these years, your time is more valuable than your money so I would look at getting a cleaner for a couple of hours or maybe actually get some wrap around care (assuming that’s a possibility due to your comment about your ex’s good child maintenance payments)