Confused/ stressed

[Frazzledmumtobe94]

Ok so… I have been with my boyfriend for about 6 months… very helpful at first around the house and helping me with anything he could. He’s since moved in and is being what I would consider slightly lazy with leaving clothes, and I mean this is daily occurrence, at his feet on the floor, rubbish on the side etc. I cook his meals, wash his clothes etc. and whenever I mention that he’s left clothes or rubbish or just generally pick up things that he could easily do or tidy up after himself he won’t accept it, gets very defensive and tells me I shouldn’t be annoyed as it’s minimal things… he’ll also bring up the fact that he’s had to throw a nappy in the bin that I have left in the bathroom and forgotten about once downstairs….

i also struggle with low self esteem at times about my appearance and weight and he knows this.. we were out having drinks and I started to silly dance and he said very loudly ‘lucky you’re wearing your good bra, if you took it off your nipples would get carpet burn’ I was so taken aback it really upset me but he told me, and was annoyed that I was upset about it, that I shouldn’t be bothered by it as it was a joke…

he will also throw the odd comment saying miss piggy, rarely compliments my body, and will in my opinion will compliment but knock me at the same time.. he says these things saying he’s joking at the end of it and I shouldn’t feel the way I do. I totally can laugh at myself and I understand that you should be able to have a bit of banter but if it’s genuinely hurting me and I’m being told that I shouldn’t feel that way is it a form of gaslighting?

I just feel so confused and would appreciate any advice

thank you!

Those comments are so horrible, what a prick. The person you're in a relationship with shouldn't be saying cruel things to you. Don't let him pretend it's a joke - you know it isn't.
I'm also confused about why cooking his meals and washing his clothes etc? Does he do something of equal value for you in return? And obviously he should be picking up after himself. Get rid!

He's not joking and he's not nice

He's only been in your life for 6 months and he's already making you doubt yourself.

6 months isn't that long so just get rid.

You've only known him 6 months but you've let him move in with you and your small child(ren)?
Get rid
It's too soon and he sounds like an absolute prick

Oh god just dump him - please.

I am so sick to death on here of hearing about these men on who openly humiliate their partners and then the women are the ones who come on asking if they’re in the wrong somehow.

So many of these threads atm. What is wrong with society that so many women think this is all they’re worth?

He literally hates you - he’s telling you this in the way he treats you and speaks to you.

You should not have someone like this around your dc. And newsflash: this is just the beginning- it will get worse and worse. This is the start - name calling to see how much you’ll put up with. Likely next it’ll be a shove or a slap.

Just end it now, you’d be an absolute fool not to. Good men exist - my dh has his faults but he’d never speak to me this way.

You’ve known him 6 months and you’ve already let him move into your home with your children?? Why on earth??? It’s WAY too soon and he’s proved why rushing in too quickly with someone you barely know is a bad idea. Hes showing his true cocklodger colours very quickly.

Tell him it’s not working and he can either shape up or move out.

Well said 👏👏👏👏

Im stunned how many women let a virtual stranger shack up under their roof with young kids involved then seem shocked he doesn’t turn out to be an absolute prince. And very sad that the women question if THEY are the problem.

What a nasty bastard. He's not 'joking' - he knows it upsets you so there's no humour in it, only cruelty.

Six months? Consider it an education and get shot of him.

Thank you to everyone for comments. I always question myself due to being in an abusive relationship years ago and it’s obviously had an effect on me and my behaviour in this new relationship… he will sometimes say that’s why I feel the way I do, he loves me and would never say anything to be malicious.. when I have tried to break it off and tell him not to come back I need space etc. he doesn’t listen and comes anyway telling me if he didn’t come back I would be even more angry at him… he always talks me round and as much as I would like to say I wouldn’t let someone manipulate me I feel like that’s what’s happening.. he’ll also tell me I didn’t say or do very things and vice versa that I know I did or didn’t do which literally frustrates me to no end and makes me question my memory.. I just need to know that I’m not mad in thinking that he may be manipulating me and it’s not just my past experiences having an effect on things.

I shouldn’t be bothered by it as it was a joke

So, he gets to tell you what you should feel? I presume you get to tell him how he should feel, too? How would it make you feel to tell him, for example, that he 'shouldn't be pissed off' that you forgot to cook his dinner/wash his clothes/anything else you do for him? Would that feel like a good sort of thing to say?

OP - it’s your home he’s got no say in wherever he comes back in or not so you need to tell him to go and stick to it.

It’s 6 months and he’s already starting the abuse and gaslighting. You’ve sleepwalked into another abusive relationship. Do you really want your DC seeing their mum being abused and thinking that’s normal?

Bin this vile creature, look at the freedom programme and stay single until you can put strong boundaries in place.

What a nasty abusive bully.
You need to kick this one out.

So he’s also gaslighting you - another form of abuse.

Can I make a guess that the house is in your name and when you met him he needed somewhere to stay? That’s why he keeps coming back - not because he loves you.
You do everything for him and presumably have sex with him - you also tolerate his nasty treatment of you and always take him back after he’s been cruel. I mean - what’s not to like (for him)? He’s in clover isn’t he?

The person he is showing you now is who he really is. They can only keep the nice guy act up for so long and then the mask slips.

You are young and more importantly you have a child to think of. Do not subject them to watching their mother accept abuse.

Given your history of abusive relationship I’d say you really need to take a break from men and focus on yourself and your child. It’s not your fault that you are taken in by these men - they’re always nice in the beginning otherwise they wouldn’t be able to slime their way into women’s lives. But you absolutely should not be letting someone move into your house with an innocent child when you don’t even know this person. Get him out and keep him out.

I get so angry, or frustrated for the women on here who find themselves in your situation with men who seemingly loose all respect for women ones they have moved in. Stop doing the most basic things for themselves .

I dont know you OP, but I have been in your place and it wasnt easy breaking free. Your relationship is new so he really should not have moved in so fast. But I am sure he was totally different prior to the move? If you tell him it is over, dont let him convince you that somehow him coming back is due to your anger, or whatever he throws at you to argue his way back into your life.

Throw this one out OP, you do deserve much more than this. You do not deserve this, that is for sure.

So what's stopping you saying

"Things were so much better for me when you didn't live here, it's not working so you have to move out moving in was a mistake".

Are you scared of him OP?

You've made all sorts of bad choices with this guy. You should be on your own for a few years and concentrate on your child. Why are you so desperate for a man who brings nothing? It's clear you're vulnerable, if you weren't you would know that you just don't move a man in after 6 months when you have a child to consider, it's plain wrong, you'd know your own mind to begin with and not just go along with what a man says. It's what a man does that counts, and any decent man would never move in with a single mother so soon. What you have is a man who saw that you are easy to manipulate, because you are showing you are.
Chuck him out, and if he tries to come back bolt the door and get the police to remove him. He treats you as a slave because you allow it.
Until you know what you want and learn to say no to what you don't want, don't date anyone. Your DC needs you, not some random twat you hardly know moving in, that's ludicrous.

He needs to go and you need to learn how to have healthy, respectful relationships. Don't have another partner until you've done the Freedom Programme or had help from Women's Aid about how to recognise abusive behaviour. When you love and respect yourself, you will expect the same from your partner.

He's using your previous trauma in a really manipulative and abusive way.

Please please get rid of this guy ASAP.

I mean this in the kindest way, but don't start any new relationships for a while until you've processed what has happened to you in the past. It's really worrying that you can't spot these obvious red flags. Plus moving someone into your house with very young children after only 6 months is a terrible idea. Take some space from men for a while, work on yourself.