Tips for coping with divorce stress?

[Notsurewhatodohere]

I left an abusive marriage and am now trying to co-parent with my ex who is making the divorce process very stressful, expensive and drawn out. I would love some tips on how to detach / relax as I’m struggling with the stress levels and don’t want to go under. Thank you!

If the relationship is toxic then don't discuss any details of the divorce with him directly, get your solicitor to handle it all. Keep any discussions to parenting your DC only. Don't get drawn in, at all.
Long term, just keep thinking how you will feel when it's all over!
Keep a diary/journal to write down your feelings and pent up frustration when things aren't going well, it helps. Also, letting off steam to mates helps. Just don't bottle it all up.
Give yourself a pat on the back for starting the process, it's one of the most difficult things you'll do but the rewards are immense. If you didn't do it, you'd still be stuck, remember that.
Things will eventually get better!

Ah big hugs.

Abusive spouses really show their true colours during divorce proceedings as it brings out their need for control and you see their monstering if you dare to not allow them to try and throw you under a bus.

Is there a way you can go no contact so you don't have to see him? That really helped me but I did not need to worry about child handovers etc as our son was an adult. If he is abusive you can ask social services to facilitate handovers, or perhaps a friend or family member might?

Not sure what stage your divorce is at but I suspect it is the finances and childcare arrangements that are causing an issue. If you have a lawyer they should be able to advise how to speed things up and limit legal costs. Court is costly but a person dragging their feet and playing silly buggers for a long time is equally as costly and sometimes it is quicker to just press for mediation and then court.

Appreciate you might not want to say too much about the abuse but if this is all triggering and/or he is continuing to be abusive you can ask your lawyer to address that too. A court would not expect you to accept further abuse. Of course it might be that you are just experiencing how awful divorce is generally rather than actual abuse. But if it is the latter you do not have to put up with it.

Communication about divorce and financial settlement only through solicitors.

Set up a separate email account for communication with the ex and only check it once a day - block them away from your personal, work and social media accounts. Block calls and allow text only when kids are with them for emergencies. If the children are old enough provide them with a phone.

Keep your communication with the ex very brief and only give factual answers “the kids are ready for pick up at 5.30 pm”. Do not allow yourself to be drawn into long arguments, give long explanations or be made to defend or justify yourself. Just ignore such traps and walk away. Act boring and shrug helplessly or repeat one liners such as “I don’t want to fight” and leave.

Stop trying to co-parent with the difficult ex who disagrees with everything and start practicing parallel parenting, where you assume that getting on the same page is impossible. Your houses your rules.

Meet for kid handover in neutral locations only and not at home. Do not let your ex into your home. It’s your sanctuary.

Start new hobbies - exercise is brilliant for stress management. I went back to the old hobbies I lost when I was married such as creative writing.

It does get better eventually.

Agree with the different phone number if poss, don't look/respond to any messages after a certain point in the day (my ex was an alcoholic so this was important for me)

Also, every time he was a prick, I bought myself a cactus or something with a cactus on. In the words of a poster on the divorce thread when I was on it at the time "I have met some pricks in my time, but you sir, are an f-ing cactus!
It has made me find humour in a not so nice situation, but unfortunately everyone thinks I have an obsession with cacti now!!

Good luck.

Thank you all so much your advice is extremely helpful. I really appreciate it.

My Ex is being very combative. Initially I thought I would be able to stay in the flat where DD and I are living which I bought pre-marriage but now with all the legal bills (he is refusing mediation and pushing for a court battle) I may have to sell up and start all over again, having also just been made redundant... I guess it’s not the end of the world but it’s very disappointing having worked so hard for such a long time to have him take my home away from me as well as all of the other behaviour he’s inflicted on us. Anyhow thank you for your support and great advise. I’m trying to focus on how I will feel when it’s all over as TheSilentSister advised.