Unhappy in relationship, don't know how to leave

[brownie1608]

HI everyone.
I found out at Christmas that my partner is cheating on me (not the first time). I didn't say anything and have kept it to myself until recently as I thought it would make things difficult at home and I'm not in a position to leave easily. My plan was to sort my life out and tell him when I'm ready to go. However, he has been continuously lying to me about other things and I became so fed up that I told him I knew about the affair the other day. He didn't really have anything to say for himself except that apparently he felt sorry for her as her partner isn't very nice to her! He has used this excuse before! Now I think he is assuming it will just be brushed under the carpet. My mind is absolutely made up that I cannot stay with this person. However, currently I am a student and not earning anything. We have 2 children. With no finances and young children how do I go and how do I manage with childcare. My course involves long hours and my partner looks after the children most of the time when I'm not here. I wish more than anything that I had control over my own life and some independence so I could just pack my bags and leave. Any advice would be so appreciated. Just feeling so trapped I suppose.

So sorry OP. I agree you need to leave. Things to consider:

Family support - could you stay with family for a while?
Checking what you are entitled to in terms of universal credit, child support, etc
Do you own a house with your partner?
Any possibility of getting a job? When will your course be finished?

Basically, it can be done, but you need a plan.

Thanks for your reply. I don't have any family I can stay with unfortunately. I am planning on checking what I can get in terms of universal credit etc, but still worried it will make finding somewhere to rent difficult if I'm not on a wage. My partner owns the house we currently live in and we are not married, nor am I on the deeds. I could however get a part-time job until my studies finish, in a year. I am sure it can be done, as I am determined but like you say, very much need a plan! I suppose it just all seems overwhelming but I think if I can stay focused on the long-term goal hopefully things will get easier.

Do you have savings?
Can you put your study on halt for a while and get a job, and finish the study later when you have a more stable situation?

It's best to leave now. If you finish your studies first, by that time you'll be sucked back into the routine of being with him and the momentum will have passed.

Unfortunately no savings :( I did think about taking a break from my studies, but it's something I've worked so hard for and feel like I just need to get through this last year! I do worry that it will just be 'accepted' and make it harder to leave in the long run but I also don't want to put my life and dreams on hold. The course will also (hopefully) secure me a job in the end, so the sooner I can get it finished, the sooner I can have an income and some stability.

If there is no way out just put your head down study as hard as you can to get the best results you can

Use all college networking opportunities

And then escape

Just compartmentalize him, he is your free landlord. You do some chores for free housing.

Until you can escape of course

It took me three years from deciding to leave to actually leaving - made a plan - got my qualifications so that I was able to rent on my own with the children when I left the marital home until it sold

Tell him to leave you will get UC ….for your own sake sanity and self respect …he has 0 respect for you get some self worth you are better than this ….when I was little my dad cheated lied ect wish my mum and dad split then they split when I left home dad cheated AGAIN ….get out girl it will be the best thing in the long run

You either get a job now and leave or you continue your studies and pay your rent to him via household chores. Start looking after the children more so you can get 50/50 custody when you do leave.

Be very aware he can throw you out of the house at any time with no notice. Plan quietly and carefully.

He's using you just like most men and women that decide their OH's with their cheating, lying and deception

You want "control"?? Well, consider this. Use the deceiver, complete your studies, line up a job, save money secretly, find a lover, then LEAVE. I bet you if you did that, he'd be in shock

A work friend of mine, not close but a friend, he told me/us that he left his wife and told us why, ie she was a cheat and had several one night stands. He was a broken man the 1st/2nd time around took time off sick. However, he decided to play her and found a new love on a dating site, the lady was divorced and then one day when his wife was away for the night on a work-related thing - he took his share of the stuff and left. The apartment was rented..

The man's wife, did she cry, she cried like a baby blaming her husband for cheating and leaving her "homeless " as she could not afford the rent/bills on one wage, lol.

So teach him a lesson on what it feels like to be treated like that

Sorry you're ok this position op it's a tough one but if it were me I think I'd get my head down, work hard, get a job lined up and get a plan in place to leave. Does he not see the irony in his reason for cheating? By his logic it's ok for you to cheat because he treats you badly too

Thank you, everyone, for your replies, it's given me the strength to stay positive. I absolutely can be in control by quietly getting my life sorted. Whilst it's hard being here, focusing on getting a plan in place makes me feel so much better.

Well it's a shame the cats out of the bag, but in a way, perhaps not a lot needs to change right now. If he's still willing to look after his DC's, as he should, you could just carry on. He's already expecting the same result as last time, so just go with it, whilst also having the perfect reason not to be intimate with him. If he's not of a mind to chuck you out, you are safe for now.
Awful idea to have DC's while unmarried and not working, when also not on the deeds, as you now know, but the sooner you can change that by parting, the better, and he still has to pay cm. Once you have finished your studies and got a job, say goodbye. Spend the time in between emotionally and physically detaching so you don't get sucked in. You should be angry that he has created a family with you whilst giving you no security whatsoever through marriage. He never wanted to share his assets, so never had the respect for you he should of had.

Using the Benefits Calculator | Turn2us

Might help you check out different scenarios, and find out how you'd be best off.

Good luck.

Look into the support for students, I'm pretty sure you'd be entitled to support for childcare and higher grants/loans.

Speak to student support at your college. They may be able to advise you of channels you aren’t aware of.