First time poster here and looking for thoughts :):)
I’d just started seeing my ex after a 3 month break when I fell pregnant. Things went downhill rapidly and I made it clear from the start I wanted to get along for the baby but not be in a relationship. What actually happened is I became both physically and mentally quite unwell throughout the pregnancy and we did not get on at all, minimal contact except for appointments and I was not particularly friendly.
Once baby was born, my mental health improved ten fold and I became the mother and co parent I had hoped to be. We began getting on really well and seeing each other regularly (still only as friends). However, when the baby was a couple of weeks old, I found out from a friend of mine that my child’s dad had actually been with another woman through most of the pregnancy, up until a couple of weeks before baby was born.
I made it clear I had no desire to be romantically involved with him whilst I was pregnant and fully acknowledge he had the right to date if he so wished, as did I (although it was the last thing on my mind) although this was not something we had explicitly discussed.
I came to realise I had a lot of unresolved feelings which I’d swept under the rug due to the pregnancy hormones and misery (or maybe just some weird toxic desire to go back to someone who had hurt me?). We talked through our dramas and have been back together for the past year. He is an incredible partner and father and I feel very lucky. HOWEVER - I cannot shake the resentment I feel that while I was pregnant and poorly he was living his best life with another woman. The fact that he didn’t tell me and I had to hear from a friend. The fact various others knew and I feel like an idiot for mosying along not knowing.
As previously stated, our relationship is wonderful, apart from this one issue that I cannot seem to let go. I bring it up every couple of weeks and know I sound bitter and angry and I end up feeling sad and comparing myself to this other girl. Is this a case of ‘let it go or let him go’? I know I can’t Carry this resentment around with me forever if the relationship is going to work. Is this a me problem?
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AIBU holding a grudge?
OneLoyalSwan · 28/03/2024 22:01
Justanotherusername27 · 28/03/2024 22:10
I understand why you feel that way but ultimately he had the right to do that. He respected your boundaries and made some of his own I suppose. I get why you’re annoyed and I would be too but really he didn’t have to tell you. If he’s as amazing as you write then maybe just tell him one last time that it hurt you and drop it. Not worth the agro x
Noicant · 28/03/2024 22:19
I have never felt as vulnerable as I did when pregnant. If I’m honest I would have felt like he should have been present and prioritising me as the mother of his child even if my rational brain said otherwise. I was not easy to deal with when pregnant, I was extremely sick and angry or weepy (because of the nausea) my physical health and mental health were very bad, I really needed someone to take care of me without question.
Realistically you have to move to move past it, the resentment won’t help and people don’t always get it right but I totally get where you are coming from.
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