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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please tell me I'm not nuts...

46 replies

StarbucksCoffee15 · 28/03/2024 21:59

I'll start off by saying I'm really not bothered that this man has ended things between us, I'm just baffled by the situation and want to know if I was love bombed and he’s crazy or if I was unreasonable.

I'm 27 and have been single for 5 years. I started talking to a man (32) on Facebook dating last week who had been single for a year and prior to that was in a 10 year relationship. Apparently he was unhappy for quite some time as she was controlling and abusive, so I'm not sure if he had some trauma/insecurities from that relationship. Anyway, we chatted for a couple of days and then decided to meet up last Sunday.

We live 2 hours apart so met up halfway, went for a walk and some drinks. Seemed like it went well although he was very touchy feely (trying to touch my vagina whilst we kissed) which was a reg flag considering it was the first date. I just put it down to the fact that he liked me and found me attractive. He told me that he wanted a relationship but then kept making sexual comments which put me off.

I think he sensed that I didn’t like it as I was quite reserved so he stopped. We agreed to meet up again (tonight) but last night he was very needy, asking me if I thought we’d be in a relationship soon and said it felt like we were already in one. It just seemed like he was trying to rush things and put pressure on me to be his girlfriend after only meeting once!! I like to take things slow and just go with the flow but it felt like a military operation and like he was trying to plan everything out.

Anyway, I answered his question honestly and said I’d hope it would turn into a relationship in the future, but that it was still very early days and I just wanted to have fun and spend more time with him. I don’t think he liked my answer as he replied saying the vibe was off and he didn’t want to see me again, fine! I wished him all the best and we left it at that. Fast forward to this evening, he messaged asking how I was and said he was gutted things had ended between us and that he just wanted me to want him.

He acknowledged that he was insecure, said he didn’t want to lose me and asked if we could start over, which I stupidly agreed to. He asked me to come over tomorrow and that he’d cook for me and we could watch a film together. This all happened at 4pm today then 30 minutes later I checked my WhatsApp and boom he’d blocked me! WTF. I text him asking why he blocked me and he replied saying I wasn’t for him, that the chat was dead and I’d made no effort (apparently driving 2 hours to see someone and spend time with them isn’t making an effort ??) Baring in mind he hadn’t offered to come and see me or made any other suggestions.

He was trying to pity me saying that he didn’t want to upset me, I just wasn’t for him and he knew what he wanted, it just wasn’t with me 😂. I’m not bothered in the slightest as I feel like I’ve dodged a bullet, I’m just baffled by the whole experience and want to know if this is normal behaviour? I actually feel like my head is going to fall off tonight 🤣

OP posts:
Cinai · 28/03/2024 22:40

He sounds like an emotionally manipulative and frankly dangerous man. He’s tried to manipulate you into fighting for his attention and second guessing yourself where you might have gone wrong by blocking you.

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 28/03/2024 22:41

He was trying to get sex from you. That’s all. And you need to get firmer boundaries as he shouldnt need to sense you werent into it. Use your voice and say no in future.

SamW98 · 28/03/2024 22:42

Xenoi24 · 28/03/2024 22:36

Apparently he was unhappy for quite some time as she was controlling and abusive.

A lot of women are "controlling" when their bfs are trying to fuck around on them.

I'd take his sob story with a pinch of salt.

I missed that bit but yes I agree. It’s amazing how many of these poor bastards tell their sad tales of how they had to tolerate controlling and abusive exes when they’re trying to get a first date shag isn’t it 🤷‍♀️

HollyKnight · 28/03/2024 22:45

Lady, trust your gut with this stuff! Don't go for a second date when the first involved unwanted groping. That weirdo has serious issues. You don't need that bs in your life.

whiteboardking · 28/03/2024 23:40

He's grim. Run

fluffycloudalert · 28/03/2024 23:49

he just wanted me to want him

He was hoping you'd be desperate for a shag, he just wanted to use you for sex as soon as possible, you didn't immediately offer to jump on his dick, and he's peeved about it.

Good riddance.

CountessWindyBottom · 29/03/2024 00:00

I want you to be completely honest here @StarbucksCoffee15 . Before he blocked you had you agreed to go to his house for dinner and a movie?

Noseybookworm · 29/03/2024 00:17

He's nuts. You didn't do anything wrong. Consider this a very lucky escape!

totallybonkerswarning · 29/03/2024 01:04

SamW98 · 28/03/2024 22:42

I missed that bit but yes I agree. It’s amazing how many of these poor bastards tell their sad tales of how they had to tolerate controlling and abusive exes when they’re trying to get a first date shag isn’t it 🤷‍♀️

I thought slagging off the ex was an automatic red flag - especially if it's the first date

Newestname002 · 29/03/2024 04:32

@StarbucksCoffee15

After the inappropriate way he behaved on your very first date, there's no way I'd be driving for two hours to this handsy stranger's home. You've had a lucky escape. 🌹

polkadot24 · 29/03/2024 05:45

OP you did not put yourself in a safe situation there. Where were you in a public place that he could do that? Going forward, if a man gives this kind of vibe, you should get the hell out of there and block him, not agree to meet again. Anything could have happened. I'm guessing he's either married or sexual predator.

Loubelle70 · 29/03/2024 05:49

Probably still got a partner tbh. He was only interested in sex, he didn't get that, hard work he would think. What he said are reasons is bullshit. Its because you didnt put out. Well rid

grinandslothit · 29/03/2024 05:50

He's a weirdo. delete and block him.

I don't understand why you even went on a second date with him?

He made it crystal clear what he was after. he was just interested in a shag and he was ticked off because he didn't get it.

Autienotnaughtie · 29/03/2024 06:17

He wanted sex, wasn't offered sex so decided to move on.

He sounds vile. Keep him blocked and raise your standard.

OnlyHerefortheBiscuits · 29/03/2024 07:18

OP if none of these very alarming red flags made you drop this man like a hot potato then you are not in a good position to be dating. In fact, it's quite dangerous for you to continue as you clearly don't know what you're doing.

Stop dating for now. And read some books.

Suggest:
Red flags green flags, by Ali Fenwick
Dangerous Liasons by Mariana Bakker
And why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft
The little black book of bug red flags, can't remember author's name

Porageeater · 29/03/2024 07:24

Ew he sounds horrible! Yes he just wanted sex and is probably in another relationship. Agree with PP, OP have a think about what your own boundaries are before you get involved with anyone else.

beAsensible1 · 29/03/2024 07:27

Thank god you didn’t end up going he sounds extremely rapey and unhinged.

I wouldn’t even have texted,

BirthdayRainbow · 29/03/2024 07:43

I e learnt recently there is no such thing as non consensual see. It is sex or it is rape. Therefore there shouldn't be a word such as rapey. You're either a rapist or not. A sexual assaulter or not. Let's not diminish the horror of rape by giving it an unnecessary derivative.

Usernamechange1234 · 29/03/2024 08:07

‘Apparently he was unhappy for quite some time as she was controlling and abusive, so I'm not sure if he had some trauma/insecurities from that relationship. ‘

You lost me right here. This here is the first massive waving red flag!

I really suggest you dampen your inner empath and start to become a little more cynical.

You definitely deserve better than this creep!

SamW98 · 29/03/2024 08:09

totallybonkerswarning · 29/03/2024 01:04

I thought slagging off the ex was an automatic red flag - especially if it's the first date

💯 it’s a huge red flag closely followed by this one trying to grope her vagina in public

More red flags than a Moscow May Day parade

Epidote · 29/03/2024 08:09

He wanted sex. He didn't have it, so now it is your fault. He thinks you are extremely hard work because you didn't have sex with him five minutes after knowing him. The fact is that he is needy, manipulative and immature.
Run as fast as you can.

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