How do you leave a DV relationship with children?

[Amgelima]

Hi all. I may have done something foolish. I have been working towards leaving a DV marriage safely with my children. Instances of my H’s abuse are usually spaced out by months but I never know when they will happen.

i began to panic when I was told I might not qualify for a refuge place due to being a student. I established that I do in fact qualify bc I have children, but the application is taking ages bc I was self employed and a full time student. I then started to doubt whether a refuge would be best bc my children would face so much loss and disruption. My daughter’s godmother offered her home. I was panicked, so I packed my bags, got the passports and drove there. It was obvious to my H when he got home that I had sprung this on him and he saw the passports were gone and was very worried. I had messaged him in advance fairly coldly saying I wanted space and was going to visit a friend that night with the children but did not tell him who and turned off phone signal.

he panicked and the children eventually wanted to go home. When I finally spoke to him he understood things weren’t good between us, and offered to stay at his mums at night but visit us a bit in the day to see the children so we could come home. I thought about what would happen if I continued to stay with my friends. It would place a huge stress on them. He would be banging down the door and probably involving police (although they would see I have reported incidents). I am applying for legal aid but it may take weeks and may be contested.

my h was so upset. He was apparently shaking and beside himself. And yet he has brought this on himself. I am so worried about what will happen to him if the kids are taken away. He will be so heartbroken. But what will happen if we stay? I have no doubt violence apparently gets worse over time. Things cannot stay this way. I hate all of this.

now I know why they say it takes the typical victim 7 tries to leave. If I didn’t have my gorgeous children I would have been gone by now. But I wasn’t sure whether having some kind of stake out at our friends house would be the best way to handle this.

please help me stay on track mentally here. This is so hard. My current plan is call the police and leave if any further incident happens and I do have places I can go. I don’t feel I have the power to tell him he can’t visit the kids right now and they don’t want that either.

my God this is so hard. Thanks for reading.

How far will he go in agreeing to stay away each night and visit at agreed time of day? Would he agree to locks being changed and him not having a key?
Abusive men often try a nice guy period to ‘prove their innocence’ so if he’d agree to these I’d take advantage of that, stay in the house then initiate divorce proceedings.
Try to get proof of any agreement, a hidden camera or phone recording. Call the police if he tries to get in any other time, refuses to leave etc…
Safety of you and the dc is paramount of course.

Firstly, I would like say you're very brave and it's obvious you're trying to do the right thing. You say you're worried about your husband as he would be "heartbroken" if your children were taken away. However, he is an adult and responsible for his actions. The physical safety and emotional well-being of your children needs to be your first priority ALWAYS. If you keep this in mind you'll know the best road to take. If you are in danger you need to remove yourself and your children from that danger. Have you spoken to the National Domestic Abuse Helpline?

Thank you so much. I feel like a fake right now being polite in my communication to him when I am making plans to divorce but I just don’t feel safe at all telling him that outright right now. He must have a huge hint at least by now. I blocked him for a good 20 hours or so after I messaged him to say we would be at our friends house. My heart broke for him when he was sobbing on the phone but the reality he has heartlessly done things to break my trust and hurt my physical and emotional safety and dignity so many times. Countless times. Without change. For years. And then I saw what was happening to our children. That was it for me, bc I understand it apparently statistically gets worse over time. And when I confront him, he doesn’t see the gravity of what he has done. He is so nonchalant and not repentant.

I have spoken to DV hotline. They told me to go to a Refuge as my best bet but I haven’t gotten a space yet. In all honesty I don’t want to go the more I think of it. Maybe it will be the only option but I worry so much about my children and we will lose so much by uprooting.

All such excellent points. This is the period of time to make those kinds of requests. I would love if we can make a peaceable agreement. I believe it would be best for the children if we divorced while letting us stay in the house - eg until it sold if need be. All of this is so tricky. I have a plan of where to go for emergency hosing if things escalate and if so I would call police and depart w/the children to council emergency housing. That is all set. But of course I hope there is no further escalation.

I am afraid of him in general and that pattern has gone on for years now. If things go his way, he is in a better mood. I f not going his way, or if I say no, he keeps moving forward as thought I have said nothing or insists we have communication problems and that I am putting up a wall when really I have just told him no to something (eg he said he wants to move to a different country in 12 months time or less and I said no. Not now. For a number of reasons - and could we wait and see how things are in two years instead so I can finish my education and work for a bit?) And he says this means I am putting up a brick wall.

Try to be strong OP and not be swayed by him crying to you. You are doing great. Keep remembering the fact he has repeatedly hurt you.

Please speak with Women's Aid, they will support you and advise you with the best course of action. I had to stay in a refuge as a child, as my own Mother fled DV. I felt far more secure there than staying at home with a man who was violent and very unpredictable. I wish you well

I worry so much about my children and we will lose so much by uprooting.

Leaving is hard. It will be hard for you and it will be hard for your children. There’s no point in us pretending it’s easy. But in five years time you will look back and see how much better it was than staying. Think about how much better it will be for your children to be in a peaceful, supportive, predictable house with you. Keep your eye on that prize.

Thank you for sharing that. I am glad to hear of someone’s positive experience. I did speak to woman’s aid and the woman I talked with did say perhaps in my situation a refuge would be best. Sometimes my H is in a rational mood, other times, he is not. The rational him is someone I would feel confident divorcing and living in the same area for the sake of the children. The irrational him is someone I worry will be dramatic and scary and dangerous and makes me think refuge is the best option.

i read some negative articles about life in a women’s refuge and it got me really worried about whether it might a bad experience for my children on top of the fact that they will have to start over and lose their community. One article showed a mouldy room with a partly fallen-out ceiling and another was from a woman who said other children there behaved badly and inappropriately towards her when she was a child at a refuge (eg flashing her or trying to touch her). I haven’t been offered a place yet but even just reading all of that made me panic a bit since I have never been and won’t be able to see it visually until I am there. Adding to that the fact that my children will have to leave their community and school and I will have to leave the potential job offer I had locally, it feels like such a loss and entering into so many unknowns. I know it can of course be the only option and the safest option - and is it really worth being killed or maimed? I would choose a refuge over that for my children and myself any day. My husband can sometimes seem reasonable and he cares about his social standing, so I still wonder if he might be able to accept a divorce without us having to go into hiding. I have also applied for emergency council housing closer to where we now live but farther from him, which if it is safe would enable my children to go to their same school to finish the year (they attend a private school so catchment isn’t an issue). My husband is successful and well off but he only gives me an “allowance” and so based on my bank statements and accounts I am able to qualify for legal aid (which I would probably have to pay back in some capacity if I receive any capital in a divorce proceeding).