Not sure about this guy...

[Seaglitter]

I'm in a bit of an unusual situation and just wondered if anyone had any thoughts!

Basically I met a guy about a year ago at a shared interest group. We've only met up a couple of times in person with other people who are also part of the group, but we've also had WhatsApp video/ phonecalls just the two of us. He lives about 5 hours drive away.

I feel a real connection, chemistry and spark with him. We've got a lot in common. When we last spoke on the phone we arranged for us both to meet up in person which should be happening in a couple of weeks (it's clear that it's a date, not just meeting as friends).

But, there are a couple of problems for me. He has a job on social media as something like a dating coach for men. His main job is a corporate one - the dating coach thing is more of a sideline. He's got a reasonable amount of followers and I think he's hoping it will grow with time. At the beginning when I first met him I watched a few of his videos and just thought they were funny, and quite interesting to get an insight into the male mind.

But the problem is that since I have started to like him, I have watched more and more of his videos and am starting to feel insecure. Amongst the dating advice, he also talks a lot about past girlfriends, past sexual experiences, the type of women he likes and the latest one was about how he'd met this amazingly attractive woman (not me ha ha) and felt really drawn to her and had a fun conversation but managed to stay strong and not go running after her for her number (I think the point is that he's saying to his followers not to just run after every attractive woman you see, as you don't know what they're like. I'm not exactly sure, to be honest).

I don't know but I am basically feeling really insecure about all this. Obviously we all have a past and all find other people attractive, but it just seems so blatant and in my face!

I know he's not doing anything wrong, it's not even as if we're dating or in a relationship, but I'm just thinking that things look like they could be heading that way, and then I don't know if I could handle hearing about all that. I mean maybe I should just not watch any videos but I think I'll find it hard not to.

I don't know if I'm being overly insecure about this. The other thing is that he lives 5 hours drive away, which obviously isn't ideal if it became a longterm situation.

I guess I just don't want to get into something that could potentially become painful, but then again I haven't met anyone that I've liked this much in years!

Does anyone have any thoughts/advice?

If it's a business he's setting up then he's going to say any old bullshit to reel the punters in.

You barely know him. You'll have to meet him and spend some time with him to get to know him well.

Hold off sleeping with him as that's a clear sign to him you're not worth a long term relationship.

@DrJoanAllenby Thanks, yes I do think I probably need to spend some more time with him.

The thing is I'm pretty sure what he's saying is not bullshit - he's said that he doesn't like people who spout bullshit just to increase views, and he always wants to be honest and genuine. I think he's hoping the audience will grow just as a satisfaction thing really, but he is successful in his other job, so it's not like he needs the extra income as far as I know. So I am pretty sure that what he says in the videos he really means, so when he's talking about attractive women it's a bit hard to swallow!

I wouldn’t like that either, I don’t think many people would want to hear a potential love interest blathering on about past conquests.

That along with the 5 hour drive would make me think this was a non-starter.

You don’t have to justify your feelings and try to be all “cool girl” about it. We have personal boundaries and if this is throwing up uncomfortable feelings from the get-go it’s a strong indication this won’t work for you going forwards.

It sounds as if he's bragging. Maybe he wants you to see this - is that possible?

You have to be careful with people that you are insanely attracted to because sometimes they turn out to be quite toxic.

@Ohffsbarbara That's a good point re boundaries, I have always struggled to know in a relationship if I'm being unreasonable or if the other person is, but I guess it comes down to what I am comfortable with.

@Dollenganger333 it probably does sound like he's bragging, but he did a lot of his videos before I met him, so I don't think he has meant me particularly to see them.

That's interesting re the insane attraction potentially being to a toxic person/dynamic. So hard not to get pulled in by it though....😫!

I’d bin him off if I was having doubts even before I’d gone on the date.

He's like a pick up artist trainer type? No. Just no.

The fact that you're not sure is enough not to go ahead.

I think - he didn't know you when he did those videos - and he might not be that good or that right about dating stuff, if it's just a sideline.

So I'd not take it thaaaaat seriously.

I watch this dating coach who is happily married and his wife is on it etc - but he says, don't tell potential new partners all about your exes and other sex you've had as it will always be in their mind.

I had the exact problem with my new guy, a few too many stories being told. So I told him, 'the dating coach guy said this is damaging' and we both just totally stopped telling those best of our pasts and now I never think of him with other women. We chose to 'protect the relationship.'

So there's that angle. You could tell him you've watched a few and feel a bit sad now, and you could also just stop watching them and never watch them again.

It's not his fault he was free and single and tried to do something positive and put something useful out there - now you have come along, I wonder what he will post or even if he will want to post etc.

This is what I was thinking too. Like his point about not asking for the “insanely attractive“ woman’s number is to be all treat em mean to keep ‘em keen.

It sounds a bit incel-ish to me, like he’s teaching blokes how to be “irresistible to women” or something. He’s possibly a player (or wants to be!)

Id also echo what a pp said - that insane attraction (is he extremely charming?) sounds very lovebomby to me. I had this and he turned out to be a textbook covert narc - told shocking lies to get me into him. I felt like I’d met my dream man.
Not saying this is the case here but something to bear in mind. Narcs always lovebomb in the beginning and mirror you (pretending to be into everything you’re into) to reel you in. Coupled with the nature of his Instagram thing id just be wary.

Tbh unless living 5 hours away is a temporary thing I wouldn't take it further

I would be uncomfortable about the dating coach aspect but if you are interested let her him explain. Just make sure you aren't part of his research

I have always struggled to know in a relationship if I'm being unreasonable or if the other person is, but I guess it comes down to what I am comfortable with

This is is. Everything you need to know. Pick someone you feel comfortable with at every turn. Not someone you fancy but makes you feel uncomfortable.

This guy's blown it before he's even been on a date with you. He's not going to stop doing this stuff is he, so... unless your ideal outcome is a partner who does it, he's a no-go for you. It doesn't matter who/if anybody is 'being unrerasonable'; it's about what you like, not who is 'getting it right'.

@something2say that's good advice from that dating coach! And it's true, I've now heard so much about his past, his exes and the women he meets now, that I'm finding it's always on my mind! It's a bit one sided too, as I haven't really told him much at all about any of that stuff from my side. I'm glad that things are good with you and your guy now you don't talk too much about your pasts - that definitely sounds like the way forward.

I get what you're saying as well that he started the dating coach thing when he was free and single and I do think he is genuinely trying to help other men in his own way. It's just a strange situation to be in really. I don't want to get too heavy with him right at the beginning but I think if I do go ahead with meeting up I would have to mention it and how I am feeling otherwise it's just going to eat away at me!

Tbh for me it would have to be amazing to do long distance. The fact that you’re wary is a good sign. Listen to your gut feeling. Or talk to him more about the videos and go from there.

@Ohffsbarbara That's horrible you went through that with that narcissist - it's awful that people can be so deceitful. I'm really not sure about him being incel-ish/a player/ narcissistic as he genuinely seems to be honest and have a kind heart - but I don't really know him that well do I, so I know I need to be vigilant.

@Livelifelaughter "Just make sure you aren't part of his research" that made me laugh, the thought had crossed my mind actually!

His sideline would give me the massive ick factor. Just very suspicious of people who put themselves online like that esp on the topic of dating. Euw

@Watchkeys "Pick someone you feel comfortable with at every turn. Not someone you fancy but makes you feel uncomfortable." This is useful to hear, thank you. I do fancy him but feel uncomfortable.

But what I have always struggled with is, is it ok or reasonable for me to feel uncomfortable? Would I ever meet anyone who made me feel comfortable in all areas? I know I'm not perfect and have certain issues. Say for example I was uncomfortable with a boyfriend even looking at other women. Surely that would be something I needed to work on in myself as that would not be reasonable. I don't know, I'm just musing, but it's something I have been wondering about...!

I just think if you feel uncomfortable then he’s not right for you. If you date 12 guys in a row and they all make you feel uncomfortable, I’d still say that.

@Seaglitter

Feelings aren't meant to be reasonable. A good partner will respect your feelings regardless. If you're scared of puppies, for example, it wouldn't make any sense, but a good partner will do what they can to help you avoid puppies.

Why do you think your feelings are meant to make sense?

I think most women would feel a bit odd about the dating thing. I guess I’d be wondering if he would be talking about me in future videos. Especially if it didn’t work out. The 5hr distance would probably be enough for me not to persue any further in all honesty.

This and what @napody has said about the pick up artist type is exactly what came to my mind, I wouldn’t trust him, it feels very Incel like (probably fuelled by the fact I’m reading a book about that so I’m really aware of it right now!).

The fact you feel uncomfortable OP plus the five hour distance means I’d be backing away from him, but be aware he probably won’t take no for an answer so stick to your gut feelings.

@Changingplace Thanks. I don't get the impression that he's an incel, but to be honest, I don't know that much about it. In fact maybe I need to look into it!

I must admit though, I don't understand the advice that he gave in that video I saw, and I've seen other male dating coaches say it, of not making the first move with women, even if you are attracted to them. Are they waiting for the woman to make the first move, and why? Or are they saying that you should wait for a deeper connection to develop naturally before making a move? It all seems rather calculated somehow!

I still feel on the fence about him, but think I will maybe try to have another call with him before meeting up, and see if we can have a conversation about everything. I don't want to waste my time meeting up with him if it's really a non starter...

Yeah all of that sounds very ‘pick up artist’ which is linked to the Incel movement, it’s all part of everything apparently being women’s fault so that’s maybe why they push the first move expectation on women? Who knows, I’d steer clear though.