Grandparents favour one set of grandchildren

[MumtoB2021]

On a whole, my FIL and MIL are great in-laws but I have started to notice that my MIL favours my BIL’s children far more than mine & my husband’s child. They have 4 grandchildren in total.

My BIL & SIL were the first to make them grandparents with a grandson, they now have 3 children, with the most recent being their first granddaughter.

MIL attended the birth of her first grandson. She went to see the second grandchild at the hospital and went to antenatal appointments with the granddaughter.

With our son, she didn’t attend anything but was still excited. She didn’t come and see him in hospital when he was born. She just sent flowers and then carried on as normal with life.

Now she babysits and dotes on her grandchildren from BIL’s all the time.
If we ask her if she can babysit ours, it’s almost like it is a burden & a huge ask from us She has BIL’s children over for a sleepover every two weeks, my son has only ever stayed twice and the once was with the other grandchildren.

I always think she will be too tired and busy to look after my son, as she works long hours at her workplace & I don’t want her to be burnt out but I do want her to have a solid relationship with my son.
My SIL & BIL almost take advantage of my MIL & I find them kind of ungrateful.

Ive noticed when MIL has been showing me photos on her phone, she has 100’s of photos of their kids and then a handful of my son.

Her friends or colleagues only ever mention those kids and on occasions they didn’t even know she had more grandchildren. That hurt!

When my SIL announced she was having a girl (what she always wanted), MIL was over the moon & instantly favoured the SIL over me. MIL has 3 sons and has always wanted a little girl to spoil.

The second grandson that was born has a mild disability and my MIL sees him every week to take him to appointments with the physio.

The first grandson was in hospital at aged 2 with an illness and she went to stay at the hospital with the SIL.

I feel like as my child has been healthy from birth, I assume she feels like she doesn’t need to devote as much time with my son but that’s totally not fair!!!

I feel guilty for feeling this way as it sounds so much like jealousy but there have been too many instances now to ignore my feelings.

Are my feelings valid or am I being unreasonable?

What does your H think?. They are his parents so surely he has a viewpoint. This also likely predates you in that this from his parents could go back to their childhoods. Was his sibling generally more favoured/golden child back then with your now H being the less favoured/scapegoat in this family?.

Your feelings are valid. I would distance myself further from your inlaws as they are not the nice people you think they are. Grandparent favouritism should not be tolerated.

re your comment:
"I always think she will be too tired and busy to look after my son, as she works long hours at her workplace & I don’t want her to be burnt out but I do want her to have a solid relationship with my son".

Do not make what are really weak excuses for her favouritism. It's nothing to do with she working long hours at her workplace and she will not have a solid relationship with your child because she does not at heart want it. She favours her other grandchildren.

Unfortunately this is very common. Still hurts though.

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me, I feel heard.

My H is their first son, and was an only child for 3 years until his brother who is the ‘Favourite’ child was born. (He’s also the BIL who has 3 children)

I’ve not really gone quite into depth into this with him, I’ve mentioned some things that I’ve noticed on the occasion but he just said I was looking into it too much. He agrees there has been some favouritism to a degree but we haven’t mentioned it to my In laws.

My husband is my FIL’s favourite I would say but MIL is all about my BIL. I feel like my MIL thinks my H is the problem child now even though he is the eldest and I have been with my husband far longer than my SIL has been with my BIL.
My other BIL the 3rd son has brought up favouritism a couple of times.

I have nothing like this from my parents and I have 3 brothers myself and being the only daughter, you would think there would be. My parents don’t mention anything like this. It’s all a bit weird!

How does she treat them in regards to birthdays and Christmas? Is it fair?

She does gift my son on birthdays and Christmas’s and other holidays etc but I feel like she spoils the others more. I could be looking into it more and she could be completely fair with it but it just feels that way

If there is an obvious favourite child then by almost default that favourite child’s children become favourites.

Happened in my family, I am not the favourite by the way. My other siblings apart from one other sister used to get so upset. Myself and other sis just shrugged as it’s a waste of energy. Mum left her entire estate to that one favourite child.

My sister and I accepted it as teenagers, as we still say we loved Mum but she really was a bit of a shithead.

What was awful was the devastation my other 3 siblings felt when Mum died because that chance to treat us equally just once had passed. One of my sisters had a breakdown.

Do not waste emotional energy on this.

My kids are in the same situation, not the favourite grandchildren. It hurts them. I tried to hide it when they were younger, but not possible as they get older and they observe for themselves. They actually get more upset on my behalf because there is clearly a pecking order of children and I'm at the bottom.

I don't mind for me, I have a great life, great kids and a lovely DH, a nice home and a job I love, but I get very sad for my kids as they are great and deserve their nanna's love too.

But I don't think people change even if you draw attention to the disparity I'm afraid

I think it’s quite common. The children of the favoured child then become the favoured grandchildren.

My mil always favoured her middle dc, dh’s db., followed by dh’s dsis who was the youngest.
I remember one Christmas dsil was living with us as she was working nearby in hospitality. Our ds, in-laws first dgc was 3. We asked in-laws to come for Christmas but as dsil was working Christmas Day they declined and just visited for Boxing Day.
People are strange!

I've felt the same about our son being the least favored grandchild with my inlaw's not because how my DH is viewed but how I am viewed. It is maddening but what can you do? Things weren't so obvious while my late FIL was alive as he kept a lot of MIL's behaviors in check but after he passed, boom MIL is making arrangemebts to move in with her daughter and SIL to become the live in caregiver for their children after having spoilt the two eldest grandchildren in the preceding years. Our son was the middle grandchild-his parents purchased baby equipment from a yard sale and presented the items to us when they had bought brand new baby gear for the other grandkids. It seems so trivial but there's so much more it's like a death by a thousand cuts. I don't speak of this much at all to DH as he cannot fathom the reasoning behind their behavior