a secret from my boyfriend

[emmafoxx]

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 6 years. It was an on-and-off situation for the first 3 years, so I'd say we have been a real couple for 3. Out of those three years, we managed a long distance of 1.5 years. We are both young; we met in high school, and we are still in university.

I was studying abroad. I had a terrible time when we were apart, but the days we spent together were the happiest of my life. Every time he came to visit, I was the happiest person ever, but every time he was leaving, I was left unable to do anything for weeks. I was abroad for two years (I did my first year from a distance because of lockdown), and after I finished my degree, I was planning on staying abroad for an MA.

My parents were funding my studies, and we had an agreement that I would stay for a master's abroad. In the summer of 2022, I was home, preparing to leave again. I had doubts, and I was thinking of taking a gap year, not only for my boyfriend but to have time and figure out what I would like to do. The truth was that I was still madly in love with him, and I could not think of leaving again. It was traumatising, and I would not want to do that again. I was really upset; I did not know what to do, and I was almost sure that I would rather break up than let what we had die slowly and break up over FaceTime. Meanwhile, my boyfriend was going through a phase that was more like going out with his friends and drinking, and he was kind of out of it. It is not that he stopped caring; I just felt like he was not supporting me enough at a time when I needed support the most. I needed him to help me decide what to do, but he was disassociated then. He is over that phase, and he apologised for not being supportive when I needed him; he was going through his own thing.

That summer, a friend of mine from abroad came home too. He was not really a friend, more someone I had met and we were both coming from the same country and studying in the same county. He does not really have ties with our home country, so he only came for ten days in August. We had many things in common; we were like the same person. But I never felt any attraction for this guy. We were texting when he came and arranged to go for a beer. I did not consider it a date since I generally have guy friends, and my boyfriend has learned to accept that (he has worked on his jealousy since). What happened was that I was out with the other guy and we were talking, and I was telling him about my concerns, and he was really helping. I hypothetically thought that he would be the perfect boyfriend for me. Only on paper, however. I was really not attracted to him. We were speaking for hours, and he shared some personal things. Then we were walking, and he tried to kiss me, but I didn't let him. The problem is that I should have left. I did not. It was not because I wanted anything to happen; I just felt confused and numb. Numbness is what I remember more vividly. He tried to kiss me again and I did not stop him then. I was not actively kissing him; I just thought, "You know what? Let him do it and see how you feel." I thought maybe I could feel something for the guy. I thought if I could feel something for him, I could end my relationship and do what was right and just go abroad and finish my studies and do what's right (my parents were never happy with me having a boyfriend back home; they thought he was holding me back). I let him kiss me and I never felt anything worse. I literally got nauseated and disgusted. It was not because of the guy; I felt disgusted with me. Immediately, I felt like a piece of trash. I pulled away but I was still numb. I told him that I had to go, and he walked me to a cab. He had his arm around me while we were walking, and I did nothing to stop him because it didn't matter. I was a piece of trash. The next day, I woke up feeling worse. I thought of just breaking up with my boyfriend and having some time to think. I would rather break up without an explanation than tell him what I did. I was thinking of telling him, but every time we had a hypothetical discussion about cheating, he was very strongly opposed to forgiving it. he always said it was the one thing he would not forgive. I knew that everything would be over. He would not speak to me ever again. Or maybe I am wrong. But even if he forgave me, he would not trust me. This would ruin us.

I found a petty excuse to not see that guy again, and I ghosted him. We did not keep in touch. I decided not to tell my boyfriend. I actively chose him, and I got into a huge fight with my dad after I told him that I would not leave. I essentially took a gap year, and I did that to save my relationship. I never told him about that kiss. The first few months were terrible. I felt terrible. Especially during the first month, my therapist thought I had depression. I could not sleep, and I was prescribed pills, which I did not take. After a while, I was feeling better. I felt that it was worth living with the guilt because I learned my lesson and the relationship was going very well. I was better. This year, I was not even thinking about it so I do not know why the guilt came back so strongly. My boyfriend and I were fighting for some time, and then we made up, and ever since we have been so happy. We went on a trip a week ago, and I was just feeling so happy. I am starting to feel that he really is the love of my life. I was always insisting that I would never marry but this is the first time I am thinking that I want to spend my life with him. He is the only one for me. I am so scared of losing him and I just think I do not deserve him. Thoughts of that kiss creep back, and I feel horrible again.

I am sorry for the huge story. I am not sure what I want to find out by writing that here. I suppose I want opinions. What would you do if you were in my position? How do I get over the guilt? Should I let him know? Should I risk the relationship now? Do you think what I did was part of growing up and can be justified by my confusion? Do you think my boyfriend could ever truly forgive me without maintaining important trust issues?

I feel trapped.

[pinklepea]

How would you feel if he did the same to you?
The strongest relationships go through rocky times and come out stronger. You have to have some trust and faith.

[Domino20]

I can't believe I just read all that and it was a story about one kiss.
Honestly, it's not worth the angst, just put it behind you, it's not the drama you have concocted in your head.

[whichwayisup]

Oh who cares, it's a kiss. Just leave it and try not to get so emotional and over wrought.... Life doesn't have to be so dramatic.

[NotQuiteNorma]

Christ almighty this isn't a creative writing group. A tip, be a little more concise if you want people to actually read your post. You could have put that in one paragraph. We didn't need a Barbara Cartland novel just to tell us 'my boyfriend doesn't know I kissed someone else'.