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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to resolve this? I feel like I can’t win

47 replies

GoolsFold · 27/03/2024 20:59

DD17 has a BF who lives an hour away. DD13 is totally against him sleeping at our house. I find myself constantly in the middle of them arguing every time DD1 wants her BF over and being accused of favouring the other side. DD2 will sometimes stay at her grandparents so DD1’s BF can sleep over but sometimes she refuses.

Just to be clear, DD2 has never met the BF so it’s not anything about him. She is reluctant for anyone not from the immediate family being in our house including same sex friends. Things are difficult for her on a few levels atm so I’m sympathetic but I also think it’s fair enough for other household members to want people to come over, and even sleep over occasionally. I’m a lone parent, XH only tenuously on the scene so I don’t have anyone to share these dilemmas with.

Anyone have any ideas on how I resolve this please?

OP posts:
Tuxedomom · 27/03/2024 22:01

You are the adult and house rules should not be dictated to you by a 13-yr-old. If you give in now, things will only escalate. DD1 should be able to invite friends etc for a sleepover, it's not weird or unreasonable, same for a boyfriend at that age.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/03/2024 22:07

Op, you're allowing your child to make the rules in your home. This is madness, and pandering to her like this is madness. You are creating a monster. Take control, she will get over it.

donothing · 27/03/2024 22:11

Can you gently introduce him into the household so your younger DD gets to know him first? She should hopefully grow to like him. Then staying over should not be an issue in your big house.
Her primal instinct is kicking in and you need to welcome him into your tribe. He might be your older DDs boyfriend for a long time. She's got to learn to accept him

p1ppyL0ngstocking · 27/03/2024 22:21

You'll do DD2 no favours if you pander to her.

In a few years she'll be living in uni halls or a flat share and having to live alongside all sorts of folk, she can't be a princess about it all her life.

That said, it sounds like you have a big enough house for the BF to keep his distance from DD2, so I'd ask DD1 to ensure that happens.

EG94 · 27/03/2024 22:27

I’d be telling DD1 he can stay all weekend and telling DD2 she doesn’t rule the roost and she cannot manipulate you into doing what she wants. Dds bf will be staying more regularly and that is tough. Get used to it. All sympathy gone now I see she’s just manipulative and controlling. Knock that on the head as it will impact her negatively in life.

teacheroffsick · 27/03/2024 22:43

Janpoppy · 27/03/2024 21:17

I think it is fair enough for a 13 year old girl to feel uncomfortable about a man she has never met staying overnight! Sounds like a good safety instinct tbh.

This

Opentooffers · 27/03/2024 22:43

I'd be letting DD1's BF come round any time during the day, without prior announcement of if he's going to be there. DD 2 is being unreasonable, so it's down to her to make her own arrangements to avoid him, without anyone's help.
Then I'd let DD 1's BF stay over, but in separate rooms to start with, given that you have space. DD 2 can make her own choice to be antisocial and avoid.
Or, call her bluff, give her the £20 as a one off, and if she somehow then copes with it all, she can expect to manage it for free all subsequent times and has no leg to stand on.

canyouletthedogoutplease · 27/03/2024 22:50

There's enough room for them all to spread out, she's being unreasonable to expect to be able to ban visitors from the house unless she's being paid.

I'd make it clear to them both that their friends are welcome any time, and if she's got anything specific she's concerned about she needs to let you know.

Pumpkinpie1 · 27/03/2024 23:01

Is the 17 year old still at school or working ?
It seems very young to be having boyfriends sleeping over. Not surprised your 13 year old is uncomfortable

EG94 · 27/03/2024 23:04

teacheroffsick · 27/03/2024 22:43

This

Show quote history

Seems her safety instinct has a £20 price tag tho 😂

Kelly51 · 28/03/2024 00:43

@Pumpkinpie1
Read OPs further comments , the DD13 doesn't want them having anyone round , she's never even met the BF, her price to allow visitors is £20!! Manipulative brat not an anxious one.

SleepPrettyDarling · 28/03/2024 00:53

I’d be cautious around this. The DD2 who is 13 … the £20 is a red herring. She wants to create done sort of boundary, and the only one she can think of is money. It sounds like she is very protective of home turf, and she’s at an age where I would tread carefully. The OP doesn’t mention if she’s had any male partners stay over eurh her; DD2 may be projecting her relationship with her mum into ‘no men in the house at all, ever.’ It does sound like it’s worth digging more with DD2. While acknowledging there’s nothing inherently wrong with DD1 of 17 having a boyfriend stay over, the dynamics of the family (younger siblings) can’t be ignored. I’d be pausing the older boyfriend to prioritise younger DD’s concerns and working towards a conciliatory position over a few months.

Jillybloop393 · 28/03/2024 00:54

NotQuiteNorma · 27/03/2024 21:35

£20?? I think I can see what she's getting out of this. She's never even met him, refuses to and now demands money to go out? I think this young lady is being given far too much power.

This! She sounds like she's been allowed to be a bit of a brat, sorry.

Emptyheadlock · 28/03/2024 01:16

The 13 year old is a manipulative brat.

TheGreatGherkin · 28/03/2024 03:37

You need to take back control, your house, your rules.

INeedToClingToSomething · 28/03/2024 03:40

I am really not sure why you are indulging this behaviour. She doesn't get to dictate what everyone in the house does, or who others have around.

Aishah231 · 28/03/2024 07:16

Your DD1 will look back and resent you if you keep pandering to DD2. Fair enough if she doesn't want him all the time but otherwise she needs to learn she is not in charge.

ABwithAnItch · 28/03/2024 07:19

She refuses to meet him and doesn’t want him in the house?? Do you not think this is a tad strange? Her behaviour indicates high anxiety, something else is going on.

iamwhatiam23 · 28/03/2024 07:52

DD is obviously anxious about something ( and you need to find out what is really upsetting her) but i absolutely wouldn't be allowing her to dictate who can and can't stay at or be in your house!

Original poster
GoolsFold · 28/03/2024 14:40

SleepPrettyDarling · 28/03/2024 00:53

I’d be cautious around this. The DD2 who is 13 … the £20 is a red herring. She wants to create done sort of boundary, and the only one she can think of is money. It sounds like she is very protective of home turf, and she’s at an age where I would tread carefully. The OP doesn’t mention if she’s had any male partners stay over eurh her; DD2 may be projecting her relationship with her mum into ‘no men in the house at all, ever.’ It does sound like it’s worth digging more with DD2. While acknowledging there’s nothing inherently wrong with DD1 of 17 having a boyfriend stay over, the dynamics of the family (younger siblings) can’t be ignored. I’d be pausing the older boyfriend to prioritise younger DD’s concerns and working towards a conciliatory position over a few months.

I probably shouldn’t have mentioned the £20 as I don’t think she means it, she just knows I won’t agree to that as budget is tight.

I have had a couple of BFs that stayed over before but I’m single now. The problem I’m having (and not just over this issue) is that she won’t talk to me about her feelings. She’s very open otherwise but she refuses to delve deeper than ‘I don’t want to’. I have tried to refer her to MH services as there’s other things going on (things have gone downhill for her since turning 13) but she won’t engage with them either. I suspect ASD as DD1 and other family are diagnosed and she’s very anxious. Part of the issue is that DD2 can’t stand DD1 and has no desire to make things easier for her.

This problem is causing me so much grief because I do think DD1 has a right to have friends over but I’m also sensitive to DD2s feelings. Her take on it is that she goes to my parents when he’s visiting but she should be able to veto that when she wants which I also don’t think is unreasonable but sometimes (like this weekend) it will cause bigger problems for DD1.

OP posts:
Kelly51 · 28/03/2024 20:10

Part of the issue is that DD2 can’t stand DD1 and has no desire to make things easier for her.
this comment confirms it's not anxiety, she's out to make her sisters life difficult, I would not pander to her at all.

momtoboys · 28/03/2024 20:28

I am always surprised that so many parents think it is perfectly ok for a 17 year old (m or F) to have overnight guests and sleep together. I must be a dinosaur.

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