Please talk sense to me :(

[Corestly]

About 18 months ago an 8yr relationship I was in ended. It was his decision to end it. I was so upset but tried very hard to move on.

I haven't met anyone else (nor wanted to really, I'm just at the point where my dc are independent and my life is my own). I have made no effort at all to contact my ex, but truthfully, I haven't stopped thinking of him.

About an hour ago I happened to drive by a house where his van was in the drive. He's a tradie so obviously working there. And omg, just like that, the hurt is right back. it's upset me so much. I'm back in that place I was in after he ended it. I feel sick and sad :(.

I'm actually quite shocked at my own reaction. I don't want to feel this way but I do. All those feelings of rejection and not being good enough and "if only" have hit me hard.

I understand. I have been there done that got the tshirt. Please understand that you will have wobbles, but you are strong and independent and you CAN DO THIS

Thank you so much @momager1. I needed to hear that. I've spent the last hour being hit by memories of good times we had and feeling so utterly sad.

Poor you, how horrible. It's hard imaging they are still out there, leading their lives. Easier to believe they've just disappeared! This is a setback but it will be temporary. You've come so far. You'll get back to feeling strong and in control of your own destiny again once this nasty shock has passed.

It will take time, eventually the hurt will start to hurt less and less. You got this!

It’s understandable that being confronted with a reminder of your ex re triggers the grief. Having been there before, my experience is that it doesn’t last very long. Be kind to yourself op and this too shall pass 💐

Oh god, I'm so grateful to you all for the kind words and understanding.

@philosoppee exactly as you say, it's so hurtful to be confronted by him seemingly living his life as if nothing has happened, whereas my life just isn't the same.

Sweetheart sending you a big hug.
Are you having any counselling? If not maybe it’s time.

Thank you Rania. No, not having counselling. I think relationships ending is just a part of life for most people sadly. I am so taken aback by how I'm feeling at this moment - thought I'd made good progress.

You have made progress. I remember thinking I was going to have to start over again. But it's not the case. All the progress you've made counts. You're allowed to falter at times. Head high.

You’ll bounce back from it OP. Grief comes in waves; with time, they get smaller and less frequent. Occasionally, a bigger one may form, as a response to a particular trigger. But believe me, one day you’ll wake up to stillness and peace in your heart and you’ll see this person as part of your life story that is firmly in the past.

❤️ is it possible you don't miss him per se but you miss some function that the relationship had in your life - whether it was external approval/validation or having the company or lifestyle etc? If you can narrow down what you're really missing you might find the problem and then you can solve it.

It's a shock when you see them "in the wild". I though I saw the OW in a shop I was in today. I froze, my heart started pounding and I was shaking. I was about to run out when I realised it wasn't her. This is years after the event.
You'll be fine OP, you just need time to heal from today. Be kind to yourself.

It's a horrible feeling.

But tomorrow is a new day and you'll feel different in the morning.

All feelings are always TEMPORARY xx

Thank you so much for the kindness. Logically i know I've made progress and I know it will pass. But I feel low today and as if I've just taken a big backward step.

@OnlyLoveCanBreakYourHeart (very apt username!) I'm sorry you had that experience but I'm glad for you that it wasn't actually the OW. That would've been horrible.

@m00ngirl I think a lot of what I miss is how he made me feel. But I do also miss the friendship we had, the laughter, the intimacy. I don't really want anyone else so I feel a big part of my life is over, and seeing him yesterday seemed to underline that.

I think relationships ending is just a part of life for most people sadly.
So are tooth cavities, but we still get a healthcare professional to help us with that.

You also said seeing him brought up feelings of "rejection" and "not being good enough". You are more than good enough and you need to manifest that and then truly understand and believe it before anything else. Absolutely no fucker on this planet can ever make you not good enough. You simply are.

I'm gently suggesting what you might be mourning more than the bloke per se is a gap of self love and self assuredness you deserve to be filling for yourself. Sure you miss him but you can have laughs and intimacy etc with lots of people. Doesn't sound like there's anything unmissable about him or your connection.

The long weekend is coming - if you have time off I'd recommend doing something nice for yourself, nice outfit or hair or treatments or whatever, drinks with friends, things you do that make you feel good or help remind you you're fabulous and loved x

@m00ngirl your words are very perceptive I think. I've always had an issue with self confidence - despite being in a long and happy marriage where I was told every day how much I was loved (dh died).

Absolutely no fucker on this planet can ever make you not good enough. You simply are.

I love these words ⬆️. Thank you.