From ages 17-20, I was in a really horrible relationship. This guy was eight years older than me and very abusive - verbally, emotionally, physically. Just thinking about the gaslighting, manipulation, control, cheating, scare tactics, violent outbursts, etc. still makes me shudder. My parents/friends didn’t know about the abuse at the time, and did their best to step in because he was clearly an inappropriate choice regardless, but I wouldn't listen. The worst part was feeling like I was going insane, questioning my sense of reality, and being 100% convinced that it was all my fault and that I was the bad person. It was probably the worst time of my life.
I was so incredibly relieved when he found someone else and left me - at this point, I was desperate to leave the relationship and knew he was ruining my life, but I’d been faced with suicide threats etc. when I tried to end things myself.
A few years later, I randomly met his new girlfriend at an event. I remember really liking her (I think we’re probably quite alike), but I also remember genuinely thinking that their relationship was probably really great - I was still convinced that I was a terrible person and he’d only been so awful to me because I deserved it. It took me a DECADE and five years with my amazing current DP to understand that I’m not awful, that I can be a great partner, and that I didn’t deserve any of it. It also took me a long time to fully appreciate the power dynamics given our ages at the time. Even though I “rationally” knew these things were true and had spoken about them in therapy and with friends, it took a long time for me to really believe them if you know what I mean.
Anyway… back to present time. The “new” girlfriend has quite a big social media presence (not an influencer, but a niche hobby) and one of her posts came up on my Instagram fyp. Against my better judgment, I spent hours looking at her profile as well as my ex’s profile (which I found through her). Reading between the lines, I gathered that they had a shitty breakup, that she was in a bad place towards the end of the relationship, and that she’s doing much better now. I want to reach out and give her a big hug, and feel bad for not saying anything at the time - for a long time, I thought I was the problem so it didn't even occur to me, and in the later years, it simply wasn't on my mind in the same way. But I do feel guilty as I remember feeling so isolated, scared, anxious, and lonely in that relationship, and it would have meant a lot to have someone to talk to at the time.
They seem to still be in touch (he is commenting on her posts but she is either ignoring his replies or adding sarcastic comments). So, first question: would it be ridiculous to get in touch with her? Part of me feels like I should do it now rather than never, part of me wonders if I’m being selfish and just want to use it to process my own feelings. And then there’s also that little voice in my head saying, “she’ll probably have no idea what you’re talking about if you write to her about X being abusive, because YOU were the bad guy.”
Second question: I saw on ex's profile that he’s now dating someone even younger (he’s 38 now, she seems to still be doing her undergraduate degree). This just makes my blood boil, because I feel like I'm watching a re-run of my life at that age. But I also feel it's not my place to get involved - plus, if she’s anything like I was at the time, she wouldn’t listen to the “crazy ex” anyway. So should I reach out to HER or not? Even if just to say, if you ever need to talk, I'm here...?
I'm also, frankly, still scared of retribution from the ex. His mother and sister (who are ironically both die-hard feminists, one even built a career around it) are both quite influential in my small industry. If he realises I'm moving against him, it's very possible that he'll somehow try to fuck me by trying to turn them against me. I know this sounds very selfish and mercenary, but I guess the worst-case-scenario is that I don't actually help any of the other women, but do get screwed career-wise.
I’m so conflicted and confused and don’t know if I should just drop the whole thing and move on, or if I have some kind of duty here. Please help and please don’t judge.