Giving an ultimatum for mental health issues to boyfriend?

[RebeccaTiwa]

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and our relationship is getting to the point of becoming more serious (talking about moving in together and future plans). However, his fragile mental health concerns me a lot.

A few months ago he admitted to having serious untreated mental health problems (depression type of issues) for his whole life. That explains why he seems to struggle to take good care of himself "behind the scenes". He has a great job, great savings and he is a smart, kind man, but the way he treats his body and flat is not good. He eats poorly, spends a lot of time inside, doesn't get enough sleep, sometimes struggles with self-care and grooming and his place is a tip. I realized these things about it only months into the relationship so by then I was quite smitten. He is immensely caring, loving, supportive, and kind to me. I believe he loves me a lot.

When he told me about his struggles, I told him that I was going to support him and stand by his side if he was serious about taking responsibility for his mental health. He promised to do it since he said he was tired of living this way and wanted to help himself.

That was 4 months ago, and to date, he has been making noises and big declarations but hasn't actually taken any real steps to tackle his mental health. He went to the doctor to talk about his mental health but hasn't started therapy or any treatments. He keeps saying he will improve his diet, get a cleaner for his apartment, and start exercising, but then he never actually follows through. I think he is tricking himself (and me in the process) that he is doing something about his mental health with all these inconsequential empty declarations, without making any real changes.

I am feeling increasingly anxious about this as I believe this relationship is doomed if he doesn't take responsibility for his mental health. I don't want to build a life with a man who actively ignores and avoids such a huge health issue. The situation is also starting to impact the way I see him honestly.

I a not a fan of ultimatums but I am thinking it might be time for one. I want to tell him that if he doesn't take responsibility for his mental health within the next couple of months I want to leave this relationship. Is this fair? Does anyone have experience with similar situations? how do you recommend I proceed?

Thanks!

I think you are very sensible. It sounds like you are being very supportive, but you are right that he needs to take some responsibility here. It's worth knowing that support for mental health issues via the NHS is pretty lacking (especially if you are outwardly functioning like your DP is). So he'll probably need to go private to get any meaningful help. It can be a bit daunting knowing where to start, so he may need your support in doing some research (also maybe talking to friends about what has helped them?) and deciding which path to take.

You are only together a year. This should be the honeymoon period, the happiest most fun time of your lives.

Talk to him, tell him exactly what you said above. If he doesn't change you need to walk away.

You have already given an ultimatum and the more your life gets enmeshed like livibg together, buying together, CHILDREN the less worthy your ultimatums will be because by then he trapped you and knows you are stuck with him.

I advise you as if you were my daughter: leave this man, he will only seek help when he is ready for his own sake. You are not.a mental rehabilitation facility. He isn't a pet project. Focus on your own life, and get therapy for why you thought a man who can't maintain basic hygiene is the best you could get for yourself. Worry about why you accepted wasting an entire year with him and he can't manage basic life skills. Stop dating until you fix your low self esteem. Also, be prepared that he will suddenly seem to get magically better, flat tidy, gone to therapy, acting so cheerful and well after you break up he will drop how are you texts and show you how well he is doing. It's all a temporary act to lure uou back in. Break up and don't ever get back, if he turns his life around then that is for him. He doesn't respect himself enough to wash and clean for himself you think he will long term clean for your sake? Nah. It's over love.

An ex of mine had depression, he was on anti depressants, he said he didn't want to live together as he needed his own space. I never wanted to live with him either. Can you have a relationship but not move in for a few years.

I think you need to face reality and accept that he's not the man for you. If he wanted to change he would have done it already.

What did the doctor say?

I would put your own plans for moving in together on hold. Don't be a prisoner to expectation.

It doesn't surprise me that he's gone to the GP and nothing has happened e.g. referrals for talking therapy. There are long wait lists.

But it does sound as if he could afford something privately (either full cost or low cost). He could find something with immediate start if he really wanted.

There's clearly something getting in the way of more obvious changes. Talking therapy is a good place for figuring that out.

The book Atomic Habits offers a slightly different approach which might be helpful - key insight is that we never rise to the level of our goals but fall to the level of our systems. Making tiny, sustainable changes to the system can have a big impact over the long term

As pps have said if he hasn't taken steps by now how reassuring will it be if he suddenly changes because of an ultimatum? And will that be lasting change? How long will you need to wait to see if it is lasting - 6 months? A year? You might end up waiting another year only to have to break up anyway.

Is an ultimatum a way to avoid facing the sadness of ending the relationship?

It is concerning that you are feeling increasingly anxious. The longer you live with anxiety more entrenched it can become. You need to prioritize your own mental health and it sounds like you now have some healing and growth to do.

And perhaps he might do better to focus on his mental health and growth as a single person?

It doesn't sound like either of you are growing within this relationship.

If you end the relationship respectfully and before you become resentful, you allow the possibility for something to happen between you in the future if that is meant to be. Not that I'd suggest relying on that! It is a life skill to know when to bow out graciously early on, rather than hanging on 'til the bitter end.

My now ex was on various medications for his MH throughout our relationship but continued to drink to excess, smoke weed (I know, stupid me) and used his MH as an excuse to check out of EVERY SINGLE ASPECT of our relationship and life in general. Leaving me literally holding the hose together and bringing up the kids alone within a marriage.

I stayed for years as I wanted to support him.

Please don't proceed any further with this relationship unless he takes urgent steps to work on his MH - taking prescribed meds, sourcing MH support (outside NHS). You do not want to go any deeper into this relationship until he is an equal player. Believe me - I was utterly broken with it by the point I walked away from him.