Would you stay?

[SereneCat]

Hi, first time posting so pretty nervous. Just need some opinions about my situation please. Sorry it's a long one.

I've been with my husband 15 years, 2 kids. When we first met he had some jealousy/trust issues. We temporarily split after a heated argument and he tried to change, read lots of self help books etc and we moved on.

Fast forward to now the kids are a bit older and I'm gaining back a bit of freedom to see friends, exercise etc, and all his old jealousy has come back. He told me he resents me and has never trusted me. I have never given him a reason not to. He makes comments about how often I go out. He hates me having male (gay) friends. He rarely goes out, is very introvert and has few friends/hobbies.

He has a very high sex drive and I've felt very pressured into having sex at least twice a week, otherwise he gets moody and stops helping around the house. I had a difficult birth and really struggled with pain during intercourse for years after, but he didn't drop his expectations and I ended up drinking every time to get through it. He's coerced me into having sex in exchange for letting me go out, or buy things for the house (he earns 5x more than me, we don't share a bank account).
We have quite different parenting styles, but overall he is a good hands on dad. Does half the cooking and some school runs but will never clean or tidy. I've tried for years to get him to help more, he says he doesn't have time. We tried counselling but he thought she was biased towards me, so quit after a few weeks and started individual counselling.

I feel like all these issues have built up and now I just don't feel the same anymore. I'm happy when he's not home. I don't know how long to give it to see if we get a connection back. When do I give up? When do you know you've had enough? Thanks for any responses ❤️

[EverybodyLTB]

No I would not stay. He’s a fucking misogynistic animal and treats you like a hole. LTB. For your children if nothing else.

[Shoxfordian]

No, I wouldn't stay with a rapist

[pinkyredrose]

A jealous controlling person who makes you have sex you don't want and doesn't care that you're in pain?

Definitely leave.

What would you say to your kids if one of them was in a sham of a relationship like this?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

There was no connection here between you two really, he targeted you to abuse you. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment as well when they can think of nothing positive to write about their man. Like you have done here. He is not a good dad if he treats you as the mother of his children like this. I

Why would you at all want to stay ?. Because it’s easier?. Easier for whom and it’s not your kids. They are learning damaging lessons about relationships here. Do not stay with such a controlling and otherwise abusive rapist. Use Women’s Aid and a solicitor to get the hell out and away from your abuser.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

it’s of no real surprise that joint counselling failed. As an abuser he was never going to cooperate nor were you emotionally safe enough to take part in that session.

Joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

[Daffodilsarentfluffy]

My exh was similar regarding sex and moods. Never lifted a finger around the house or for the dc (3 ds's). Being raped was my normal even with 4 under 7...
Having a normal sex life now 30 years later is still very very difficult. Get out op before you feel worthless...
Just remembered.. After a smear I had abnormal cells. Told him the hospital said i couldn't have sex for 6 months until treatment.. He believed me and left me alone but he was even worse to live with. Such lengths op. I was in too dark a place to leave. Make sure you don't leave it so long.

[SereneCat]

Wow thank you for your responses.
I guess the main reasons I havent left are that financially, I'll struggle on my wage, but also, when we met he gave me an STI. He didn't know he had it, rarely gets symptoms, but I have the worst case the SH team had seen. 15 years later I still get outbreaks evey 2-3 weeks and was hospitalised last year as the herpes gives me recurrent meningitis. I'm worried I'll be alone forever if I leave as I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone, and wouldn't want to inflict this on someone else.

[EverybodyLTB]

But this is where you’re going wrong, respectfully. You’re not leaving an abuser because you’re worried about the next person. You need therapy to address why you aren’t worried about your own self and your kids. You are destroying yourself and your children the longer you stay. You need support to leave, and to start taking little steps towards this. Therapy. Understanding your legal and financial position etc. I don’t have a relationship and I don’t have an STI. I don’t have a relationship because I have no choice but to manage myself and be right for my children after divorce. Separation from an abuser becomes a massive healing process full of revelations and processing of the last and future. It’s not about future romance, it’s about not being abused and doing the right thing by your kids.

[HopeFloatsAbove]

I would not stay.

But ultimately this is your decision.

I am sure you have read your post multiple times prior to posting it, but I would like you to read it again with the view of your younger self, or if this was a friend, sister or DD. He is emotionally abusing you at least, and the sexual pressure is questionable.

I am sure you love him. You have 15 years together. But this is not a normal behavior from your DH and does not mean he cares for you, his view benefits him only while its restricting you in your marriage. And seeing you have sought help, both I take it, its not going to change with further discussions. Been there myself.

[Itiswhysofew]

No, I would not stay with him. You shouldn't feel under threat in your relationship. You deserve a life free of abuse.

Try not to focus on your fear of how your life will be in the future. Bit by bit, you'll adjust to a new life and things will start to come together for you.

See a solicitor to talk things through

[HopeFloatsAbove]

OP, just seen your updated post. I am sorry you have been left with this aftermath of DH carelessness prior to you two "meeting". When I decided to leave my ex H I knew financially I would struggle. But emotionally I would gain in the long run. You will struggle to start with, but the gains are greater on all levels. Yes it can be lonely and this is where you will need to know you rather than seek out new relationships as it will not benefit anyone. Loving yourself is the biggest benefit you can gain by leaving such scenarios.

[PrettyPines]

I'm so sorry your life has been like this op, your husband sounds absolutely awful. It sounds like you've been beaten down.

Speak to a solicitor, if your husband is a high earner I'd assume there will be some savings etc that you'd be entitled to when you do leave?
There seems to be no positives for you being with him. He's abusive and controlling, you can't even see a therapist because he's scared you'll realise how awful he is. You say you're worried financially but he keeps his money to himself and makes you beg for it anyway. You'd probably be better off financially if you did leave, you would definitely be better off in every other way.

[PinkLemonade555]

You have to trade sex for household necessities.

why is this even a question? Why is being alone worse than being with this abuser?

As an aside as well, you may also find that you have less recurrent flare ups when you’re away from him and have time to recover as well. Our bodies communicate with us, and you need to listen.

[ViciousCurrentBun]

He sounds dreadful, you poor woman.
I would say better alone than with an abuser.

I am older and my sisters, there are 5 of us and my close friends between all of us have had every permutation of relationship. Some really bad stuff but the couple I know that were abused well it steals their very soul and if you don’t believe in a soul then well your life force, your sense of self.

[Ohffsbarbara]

Oh love 💐
You need to find a way to leave - that’s awful. He’s an abusive twat. To force his wife to have sex when she’s in pain? How disgusting - he cannot care for you.

The abuse has ground you down over the years - this comes across in your post. Sounds like you don’t know your arse from your elbow. But you know the truth - the scales have fallen from your eyes and you won’t unsee it now. The resentment will build if you stay and your MH will suffer, causing your ds’s suffering by extension.

Could you call women’s Aid? Do you have friends/family to talk to in RL? When I told close family members about the abuse I was suffering at the hands of dh seeing the utter shock on their faces helped me realise my relationship really wasn’t normal. Talking can help, and keep posting here.

[determinedtomakethiswork]

That is truly awful. What an absolute pig he is.

[SereneCat]

Thank you so much for your replies. I've read and reread them all day and I can't tell you how nice it is to feel heard. I spoke to the marriage counsellor tonight (alone) and she's given me some good advice, and told me she feels his behaviour is manipulating and gaslighting me. I know things will get worse before they get better, but you've made me realise I'd rather be alone and happy.

[ClareBlue]

And even if you can not face another intimate relationship when you leave it doesn't stop you forming a good network of friends. You don't have to be alone. You might find he was holding you back and you were too dependent on him meeting your emotional needs and once you are on your own you can put energy into meeting new friends and trying out new experiences.

[Opentooffers]

He earns 5 x what you do and you have a marital home as an asset and have been together 15 years. You will get a big chunk of the assets and savings with 2 DC's to support and his child support should be decent if his wage is good. Get yourself a good lawyer and I think you will find that you will not be in financial hardship to the degree you think.
I'm not buying that he didn't know he had herpes either, you have to have symptoms to pass it on, he just likely ignored them and risked it. The jealous people are the ones usually shagging about, and with his constant needs, combined with him working away at times, I'd say its a fair bet that he gets up to things.
Keep your powder dry, work out the financials under the radar, and hit him with papers when ready - asap hopefully as he sounds like an utter monster.