Wife and colleague - just friends or...

[Tktktk]

My wife and I (both 42) have been married for 16 years and are very close to each other. We trust each other fully. We both work in a large multi national company, albeit in totally different departments and are based at different sites.

She has a male colleague, let's call him Jim, who she is good friends with. They used to work together a few years ago but she's moved to a different team now. They still regularly meet up for coffee during /after work. They also go out for dinner regularly, but with a wider group and never alone. Jim is much older (55) and married. 

I noticed that Jim always reacts to her solo photos on Facebook with a ♥️ but if anyone else is in the pic, he only uses 👍. I discussed this with my wife and also read through Jim's messages to her on Facebook Messenger. Here's a summary of what he said 

• I'm always there for you no matter what 
• I think of you often
• I missed you (when she was off sick) 
• Can you meet me for coffee 
• More coffee 
• It was really nice to meet you yesterday 
• Let's plan dinner  

I felt that Jim's behaviour was creepy and inappropriate, and that these messages could easily lead a less trusting husband to take drastic action. 

My wife thinks I'm over thinking and Jim's just a nice guy and a good friend. I know that outside of work and dinners with the group from work, she rarely nteracts with Jim, although I can't be sure as I don't have access to her work phone. We haven't fought or argued about it at all, just a conversation so far.

She usually works from home but goes to work once a week. Often she returns home later than she should and I'm left with having to manage our kids and preparing dinner. When I ask her what kept her, she says that she got stopped by people and gut busy in conversation, but I'm pretty positive that some of these occasions are her having coffee with Jim. I have seen at least one message confirming this.

What are your thoughts?

Is Jim just a nice guy and I'm over thinking it?
Or is he a creep, but my wife doesn't see it? 
Is this the start of an emotional affair?

It's absolutely killing me knowing all this.

[Shoxfordian]

You either trust your wife or you don't

[Tktktk]

@Shoxfordian

You either trust your wife or you don't

True. Perhaps I should have said I have trusted her fully so far but now I'm worried and scared.

[Rania78]

Jim is not a creep, he just has a crush on your wife. Your wife is not stupid, she knows this and encourages it for reassuramce. I can’t imagine she would leave her young husband to cheat with a 55 year old but she has to stop this BS.
Alternatively , you could possibly find a lady from your work with whom you form a similar “friendship”, and let’s see how your wife reacts.

[Alwaysalwayscold]

So she has already lied to you about why she was late, when she was actually with him?

A liar doesn't usually only tell one lie.

[TobarnanGealt]

@Shoxfordian

You either trust your wife or you don't

This. Jim and his intentions are irrelevant. You, on the other hand, sound like a loon, with the whole stalking his emoji use and reading their messages. If you really can't handle managing your own children and making dinner one evening a week, assuming that your wife, if WFH, is always there the other evenings, bring that up and ask for a heads up if she's going to be late. Otherwise, calm down with the silverback chest-beating.

[Moidershewrote]

It does sound like potential EA territory to me tbh. ‘Jim’ sounds potentially more invested than your DW though, so perhaps she just enjoys the friendship, but he maybe wants more.

It’s tricky - but I probably wouldn’t like that level of intimacy in messages if I found my DH was sending messages like that to a female friend. It’s definitely boundary pushing. It might just be that though. The fact she’s not deleting the messages does stand in her favour.

Still, it would bother me - I’d want my DH to put some boundaries in place in these conversations. What are her replies to him like? Does she ‘miss him’ and chase him for coffee all the time?

[Tktktk]

@TobarnanGealt

This. Jim and his intentions are irrelevant. You, on the other hand, sound like a loon, with the whole stalking his emoji use and reading their messages. If you really can't handle managing your own children and making dinner one evening a week, assuming that your wife, if WFH, is always there the other evenings, bring that up and ask for a heads up if she's going to be late. Otherwise, calm down with the silverback chest-beating.

Ouch, that's a bit harsh, but thanks for your perspective. It wasn't snooping. We were reading each others messages and together and of course I'll see my wife's social media posts and notice who's liking and commenting.

I look after the kids and prepare dinner most evenings anyway (90% I'd say) and I wasn't complaining about it, sorry if it came across as such. I do that even when I'm working from the office and make sure I don't loiter around at work so I can pick up the kids, be home on time and prepare dinner, although she definitely does give me a hand if I've come from work, which is once a week for me too.

[Autienotnaughtie]

So she's lied about meeting him and played down the situation which makes her untrustworthy but doesn't mean she is having a affair.

I think it's reasonable to say you are uncomfortable with their friendship and ask her to pull back.

I wonder how she would feel if you were doing this with a female colleague

[Mrsttcno1]

First of all, it’s very strange to be stalking people’s emoji’s on her Facebook and reading her messages- you need to stop doing that. You’re having to actively click into her likes and scroll to see what he has done then made a mental note, that is creepy, stop. Either trust her word or don’t, but stop reading her messages and analysing her likes!

Second of all, I probably wouldn’t be okay with this purely because of the lies. I would have no issue with my husband being a bit later home due to having coffee with a friend, but I’d have an issue if he was lying about it/who he was with. I’d also have an issue with the “lets meet for dinner” and “I missed you”, personally I just don’t think that’s “friendly” craic and I know my husband would agree with me and act accordingly if he was in that position with a friend/colleague.

[Alwaysalwayscold]

The usual double standards from MN I see. No woman would ever be questioned for these things if she suspected her DH of cheating. In fact they're usually actively encouraged and given more ways to snoop.

[Rania78]

@Alwaysalwayscold

The usual double standards from MN I see. No woman would ever be questioned for these things if she suspected her DH of cheating. In fact they're usually actively encouraged and given more ways to snoop.

So true. If it was a woman posting this everyone would be “LTB”.

[Tktktk]

@Moidershewrote

It does sound like potential EA territory to me tbh. ‘Jim’ sounds potentially more invested than your DW though, so perhaps she just enjoys the friendship, but he maybe wants more.

It’s tricky - but I probably wouldn’t like that level of intimacy in messages if I found my DH was sending messages like that to a female friend. It’s definitely boundary pushing. It might just be that though. The fact she’s not deleting the messages does stand in her favour.

Still, it would bother me - I’d want my DH to put some boundaries in place in these conversations. What are her replies to him like? Does she ‘miss him’ and chase him for coffee all the time?

Her replies don't look suspicious. She doesn't actively seek meeting him, the only things I saw were her message saying it was good to see him the other day and suggesting they should plan a dinner get together soon (with other colleagues of course).

[Parky04]

Trust your gut. It's never wrong!

[TobarnanGealt]

@Tktktk

Ouch, that's a bit harsh, but thanks for your perspective. It wasn't snooping. We were reading each others messages and together and of course I'll see my wife's social media posts and notice who's liking and commenting.

I look after the kids and prepare dinner most evenings anyway (90% I'd say) and I wasn't complaining about it, sorry if it came across as such. I do that even when I'm working from the office and make sure I don't loiter around at work so I can pick up the kids, be home on time and prepare dinner, although she definitely does give me a hand if I've come from work, which is once a week for me too.

I can honestly say I have never read my husband's messages in the 30 plus years we've been a couple, and while we do follow one another on Instagram, which he uses a lot as a kind of diary, I can't imagine registering which emojis someone uses to like my own posts, far less DH's. You sound hyper-sensitised to anything to do with this man, even though there's zero information which sounds as if your wife is engaged in anything remotely illicit. Some of my closest friends are male former colleagues, one of whom is an ex from about a million years ago. And to be honest, someone telling me they miss me, especially if I saw them all the time, would strike me as soppy and irritating. She's allowed to have a social life. Working from home is isolating. It's healthy to have relationships with colleagues.

[Tktktk]

@TobarnanGealt

I can honestly say I have never read my husband's messages in the 30 plus years we've been a couple, and while we do follow one another on Instagram, which he uses a lot as a kind of diary, I can't imagine registering which emojis someone uses to like my own posts, far less DH's. You sound hyper-sensitised to anything to do with this man, even though there's zero information which sounds as if your wife is engaged in anything remotely illicit. Some of my closest friends are male former colleagues, one of whom is an ex from about a million years ago. And to be honest, someone telling me they miss me, especially if I saw them all the time, would strike me as soppy and irritating. She's allowed to have a social life. Working from home is isolating. It's healthy to have relationships with colleagues.

Really appreciate your feedback.

[nextcrapthing]

Tell your wife, imagine you (42M) messaging a ( 29F) attractive colleague from your work. Same age gap, same messages, thinking about her all the time and meeting up for coffee and dinner behind your wife’s back. Ask her if she is okay with that? You got the blessing.

[Katiesaidthat]

I think he has a crush on your wife but your wife has him more in friend territory. My husband and I follow each other on FB and I would think it weird some girl were going on about missing him lah dih dah. I woulnd´t be comfortable with some guy saying that to me. I think its weird´. You are perfectly entitled to your feelings and not liking his way of interacting. I think he is disrespectful to his wife and to you and puts your wife in a tight spot.

[Tktktk]

@nextcrapthing

Tell your wife, imagine you (42M) messaging a ( 29F) attractive colleague from your work. Same age gap, same messages, thinking about her all the time and meeting up for coffee and dinner behind your wife’s back. Ask her if she is okay with that? You got the blessing.

Thanks.
To be fair, they've only gone out for dinner as part of a group of colleagues, never by themselves. Certainly not that I'm aware of, and I have no reason to believe otherwise.

[Junothatsagoodidea]

My first reaction before reading the full thread (I will read all, promise) is that is sounds like they once had a thing and now everything is purely platonic. Just my initial gut reaction.

[Livingroomdecor]

Jim's messages sound a lot - a lot - like messages my husband sent to a woman. Similar age gap, similar circumstances, not identical. When I first read the messages my husband had sent I thought that it sounded like he had a crush on her (the 'missing you' element, looking forward to seeing her soon) but it could just as easily have been friendly. I found it odd though that he had never mentioned being this friendly with her. I did some digging, which took a lot of time and effort, and found out that they had had a fling when they first met years before. She had had a bit of a meltdown about a year or so after they first met, apparently wanting him to leave me, she got as far as trying to contact me at our home but I wasn't in at the time. For reasons known only to the two of them, he never left me, and they remained 'friends' even after she married someone else. Your example really resonated with my experience, I would say trust your gut.

[Missamyp]

Jim obviously at the minimum fancies your wife.
Your wife-who knows.
Personally, I wouldn't be comfortable with this dance they have together. Certainly not appropriate for a person in a relationship or marriage. Tell her you're not happy.
I don't socialise with anyone from work unless it's an obligatory event. Certainly don't chit-chat at home with colleagues. I keep them both completely separate.

[idrinkandiknowthings]

"...I'm left with having to manage our kids and preparing dinner.."

To be honest I'm more concerned about this! She goes to work one day a week! Presumably the rest of the time she is "left with" managing the kids and preparing dinner.

[TheShellBeach]

Often she returns home later than she should and I'm left with having to manage our kids and preparing dinner

Okay. But you also said later in the thread that you do this every night anyway, so why mention it?

And if you were female, you wouldn't mention it at all.

Men always seem to think they deserve praise for cooking and parenting. It makes me so mad.

[Tktktk]

@TheShellBeach

Often she returns home later than she should and I'm left with having to manage our kids and preparing dinner

Okay. But you also said later in the thread that you do this every night anyway, so why mention it?

And if you were female, you wouldn't mention it at all.

Men always seem to think they deserve praise for cooking and parenting. It makes me so mad.

It was in response to a suggestion that I complained because I had to do it just one day a week.

[Tktktk]

@idrinkandiknowthings

"...I'm left with having to manage our kids and preparing dinner.."

To be honest I'm more concerned about this! She goes to work one day a week! Presumably the rest of the time she is "left with" managing the kids and preparing dinner.

Like I said, I do the evening pick ups and dinner 90% of the time.