Would you move on?

[summerbreeze10]

I have NC for anonymity.

I have had feelings for a man I know via a hobby for years. He got married and had kids, obviously nothing happened.

Last summer, he split up with his wife. He has told me very little about it (and I haven't asked, it is clearly a private matter) but it is clear that this is a painful and difficult time. His children are still very young.

Due to our hobby, we continue to see a fair amount of each other. Nothing inappropriate has happened, but it is clear that we have a connection and chemistry. We are getting closer and getting to know each other better. He has been helping me with some personal issues of mine. We have a lot in common and I really enjoy his company. He also seems to enjoy mine.

My dilemma is this. Obviously it would be totally wrong to make a move on him right now. It would be unfair to him, his wife and me. I deserve someone who is free to love me.

But I am also painfully aware that it is very rare for me to meet someone that I fancy and have a connection with. I have been OLD for years (I'm 41) without success.

I don't want to fall in love with someone who may not reciprocate my feelings, even when he is free to. Nor do I want him to move on without at least knowing that I would be up for taking things further.

I am also finding it hard to think about going back to online dating right now - the reality is that no-one will compare to him, because I know him so much better than any of the men who I would be going on a date with.

Would you continue to get to know him, in the hope that when he is ready to date you might get together? Or cut your losses completely?

I say go for it op! Life is short and it’s not a fairytale. It’s very rare we find someone that we have a real connection with. I would tread carefully as they haven’t even been separated a full year but I certainly wouldn’t let baggage put you off

Fuck NO. Emotional baggage he hasn't dealt with. Still legally married. Young kids. Nope. Nope. Nope.

He has separated so he is free to love you. Ok, don’t go too fast - you don’t want to be the rebound. But it’s not necessarily the case that there are unresolved feelings with his ex, or he wants her back or still loves her.

As you say, it’s rare to have a connection like that with someone. I would let him know how you feel, then take it slowly if needs be but make your feelings known.

Have a look at the step parents boards.
His kids will always come before you (as they should)
His ex wife will probably despise you despite (I assume) you having nothing to do with the separation.
I'd give it a swerve personally.
Do you have kids if your own?

Do they still live together? Are they actually getting divorced? I'd want to know those basic facts before I proceeded. Why did they split? There may be an OW on the scene.

Thanks all, much appreciated.

I don't have kids, have no interest in having them, but completely understand that his would come first. They do not still live together, but I do not know why they split, as he has, quite rightly, not confided any of that in me. I also do not know if any decisions have been made regarding divorce.

If he had cheated I would not want anything to do with him, it would mean he is not the person I think he is.

I definitely did not have anything to do with the seperation!

I agree that this is all necessary information, but not information I have any right to unless I move things forward with him romantically. It feels like a bit of a catch 22!

Would you continue to get to know him, in the hope that when he is ready to date you might get together? Or cut your losses completely.

Yes, continue to get to know him, you share a hobby. But I think it's safer for you to let go of any expectations. If he makes a move on YOU, you can explore the situation and see if he is ready for a new relationship, or even if you are compatible in a romantic context.
But I don't think you need to be concerned about letting him know you would be receptive. I think people sense a lot more about us than we realise. If he is genuinely interested, I think he will pursue things.

"Would you continue to get to know him, in the hope that when he is ready to date you might get together?"

This. I would do this. But not "in the hope" of anything. Just enjoy his company and if it's meant to go somewhere, it will.