Update to my awful breakup and my exes strange behaviour

[BadgerHill]

Firstly a huge huge Thankyou to everyone who supported me when I shared my story in the new year.

For those who don’t know the background here is the tale in all its horrible glory https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4977500-partner-broke-up-with-me-due-to-midlife-crisiscommitment-fearsmy-world-is-shattered-any-way-to-fix-things?page=7&reply=132087659

Although still hurt at being treated horrendously I’m thankfully no longer the anxious heartbroken mess that I was.

Its been terribly hard getting over a major relationship when you still have to see them at work but I’m proud to say I’m still smashing it, doing well in my studies (oh, and also lost 13kgs and had a huge glow up 🤗)

My ex partner has had a confusing shift in his behaviour which although difficult to deal with has actually empowered me and helped me through. I think things must have hit home with him because now instead of cold ‘hellos’ the last few weeks he has literally been flinging himself through the nearest door and literally running and hiding when he sees me - it’s pretty funny to watch!

Early days but I’ve also been dating a lovely new guy. I’ve been totally transparent of the fact I’ve come out of a major relationship and still feeling a bit hurt over it all but he has been SO understanding. It took me a while to really let myself feel happy dating him and get excited about it but the fuzzy feelings are starting to kick in now and I’m glad he has been so patient with me.

All in all, things are looking a lot more positive than a couple of months ago

Badger I just posted this on your other thread but will post here as well!:

You said:
Possibly. It just stings to be the victim of 4 wasted years and my supposed ‘best friend’ doing a complete 180 on me. Might be naïve of me but I didn’t think people could behave like that after going so far as picking out names for your future children, talking about wedding invites and then going saying all these things to all your friends and family at 44 years old…..it’s like I’ve been living with Peter Pan.

I know the time he started talking to me about how all his exes were ‘mad’ I saw that as a red flag. I don’t talk about any of
mine like that…..well, maybe this one will get that label

My take on the things you’ve said is that he’s definitely a narcissist. Textbook id say.

The future faking/lovebombing and then subsequent jealousy regarding your success at work and also closeness to family - then leading to the sudden discard is typical narc behaviour. Also they usually leave when they have new supply (ie another woman waiting in the wings!) the running away when he sees you is typical too - they don’t like to be reminded of their bad behaviour as they can’t deal with seeing themselves as anything but a nice guy.

Chances are he’ll be making you out to be a “crazy ex” too and lying through his teeth about what actually happened.

Sounds like you had a lucky escape to me.

Yep I think you’re probably right. I know the narc term gets banded around a lot by people who are hurt over being dumped but I think there’s a lot I can reflect on to actually affirm that he IS one. Sounds melodramatic but it’s been one of the toughest things I’ve ever been through in my life, especially when I can’t get away from it.

Hes an odd character. As well as shifting his behaviour recently to running and hiding, he has also had himself an office built in MY department that he has absolutely no business being in?? Anyway, it’s fine. I’ve done so much work to heal myself that I actually find the behaviour really rather comical, especially as it’s got worse over time and he’s now doing it in front of other colleagues. God knows what they must think.

I didn’t know such people existed to be honest and I’ve done a lot of work learning about the subject……Mainly through Dr Ramani (who when I listen to her, could literally be describing him word for word) and obtaining a big fat copy of the DSM5 for myself - being a student with access to a medical library has its perks!

I was beating myself up for so long wondering why I was SO hurt, wasn’t getting over things and was absolutely riddled with anxiety and it all now makes sense…..there’s one thing, I’m SO much better now, things are looking up, my confidence & IDGAF attitude is sky high, and whatever happens with the new guy I’m seeing happens, but for now it’s certainly putting a smile on my face. He’s been SO patient and how he hasn’t run a mile I have no idea.

Unfortunately for my ex partner,
he’s going to have to watch all of it and have to see my face everywhere for a very long time to come. Good riddance. I’m quite enjoying the shift in power dynamics to be honest, I deserve them x

It's nice that you came back to give an update. We read so many threads about awful relationships and bad breakups, but it is heartening to hear a story about recovery and moving forward. Good for you.

Good for you OP. This guy sounds like an emotional mess.

I didn’t know such people existed to be honest and I’ve done a lot of work learning about the subject……Mainly through Dr Ramani (who when I listen to her, could literally be describing him word for word)

Ive had experience of one recently myself - that’s how I recognised it immediately reading your other thread!

Until you come across one of these individuals you will never understand the nature of how they weasel their way into peoples lives, promise the world, then cruelly discard without so much as an explanation leaving their victim traumatised and feeling like they’ve just had an altercation with a Tasmanian devil!

They turn your world upside down because they specifically target kind, empathetic individuals who would never in a million years treat another person like this and therefore are left with their head spinning wondering what the hell happened and “how could they do that to me after everything they promised etc”.

It has helped me to realise I don’t WANT to understand. It’s good that I don’t understand - bc it’s a personality disorder usually caused by childhood trauma/unmet needs of some kind (and his family do sound distinctly odd!) and I’m normal and nice and not fucked up like them!

I watch Dr Ramani too and she’s very good. Mine was a covert narc - even more insidious- they come across all humble and meek but in reality the entitlement is huge. Yours sounds more of the grandiose kind - wanting a theme tune to walk into theatre no less!?! What an arse! My suggestion would be “you’re so vain” by Carly Simon!

"lost 13kgs and had a huge glow up 🤗"

I so wish people realised that not doing this when you know you can or what to when you have someone , causes some issues that can be avoided i.e. loss of attraction etc

Please don’t try and insinuate I got dumped because of the way my body looks.

FYI my weight was normal and healthy before hand and didn’t change throughout the entire relationship. Much of the weight loss has been caused by stress (I could actually do with putting a little bit back on) I am looking good and feeling good for ME and right now that is the most important thing.

Such comments made to someone off the back of a torrid time are unhelpful, unkind and for some people, have the potential to be damaging.

WTAF! Victim blaming. Completely unnecessary comment here. Way to go in trying to make OP feel worse!

OP - take no notice of that comment. So glad you've come out the other side and are feeling better! Onwards and upwards! The best revenge is living well.

No, its just a point to note that we are all guilty of. Most seem to work on their appearance(upgrade so to speak) after being dumped or leaving a situation. Statistics do prove that doing so whilst in a relationship does keep the attraction higher than those who just do not bother/let themselves go.

No, its just a point to note that we are all guilty of. How is this blaming her and please do not use the word "victim" in this context.

If you read what happened to me I was very much improving MANY aspects of my life that my ex could not cope with.

Unfortunately this happens with entitled and arrogant people that when they see someone taking major steps to move their life forwards it brings out the insecurities and shame they have within themselves. If you’ve ever experienced it you would know how utterly confusing it is.

I continue to improve many aspects of my life afterwards and it is for ME to improve my life and self esteem. So again, please do not suggest my partner lost attraction because “I let myself go” it was quite the opposite in fact.

@FPCculture

"lost 13kgs and had a huge glow up

Well done!