I’ve been with DH 17 years and we have young DC. On the guidance of Refuge I’m planning on leaving and telling him I’ve left after I’ve left. I’ve been squirrelling away and reorganising my entire life so I can put my hands on important documents and empty certain drawers into bags etc. and leave at a moments notice.
BUT! I keep second guessing and doubting myself. The abuse has never been physical, and it has changed so much over the course of the relationship that I sometimes doubt it’s abuse, or wonder if I’m punishing him for something that happened a decade ago.
He's always been jealous and possessive and would not like certain friends so sulk if I’m seeing them or call me to check I was ok if I’m out with them. When we were first together he basically without me realising, made me cut all contact with any male friends.
He used to get so angry, explosively so and have such a look of hatred in his eyes that I was scared of what he might do (as I said he’s never physically harmed me). He’s shouted at me, swore at me, called me names and said horrible, spiteful things. He’s impersonated me and mocked me when I’ve been upset and accused me of faking a panic attack to get out of sorting things out, he won’t let me leave the room or go to sleep, he’s said things in front of DC, said for them to go to their room and when they’ve protested said they’ve got to because their mother is a horrible selfish woman causing all this hassle.
Before DC were born he’s hit or kicked things (furniture) and been what I would say is too harsh with the dog when he’s punished her and been in a bad mood. He will get what I think is a strange opinion and then it will become such a massive deal, for example, when DC were little he wouldn’t let me take them to a day out we’d been invited to because he wanted to be the first one to go there with them, it was two weeks of hell over something ridiculous, I only refused to back down for so long because he was being ridiculous, but I did in the end back down and DC missed out.
He touches me and masturbates when I’m asleep, I have confronted him about this but he said he didn’t want to watch porn because that was unfaithful and he was really sorry and would never do it again (I confronted him after having vague half asleep recollections of it on several occasions).
He used to be really controlling with finances but now I’m at work full time he can’t, and things like this make me doubt myself because he used to make digs that he paid for everything and say things like “oh, I’m paying for this aswell am I?” Really loudly when we’d already agreed that in private but now I work full time he never acts like that.
During covid it was particularly awful, really bad, and when I see photos of myself from then I look like a shell of a person. I felt like I’d really had enough but when I tried to leave him he suddenly became hysterically upset and it transpired that apparently, during covid he was really struggling, depressed and suicidal and I didn’t realise. All his anger was him crying for help, apparently. I tried to help him and he’s been on and off antidepressants and had various types of therapy, I don’t feel like he’s been 100% honest with any therapist or with me because he’s really vague when he tells me things or “asks me things that the therapist told him to ask me”. I’ve tried to leave him on several occasions, and he’s rolled around on the floor wailing and sobbing, writhing about as if in pain and on more than on occasion has threatened to hurt himself. So I’ve agreed to give things another go and it’s almost disturbing how quickly things slip back to like nothings happened.
That leads me to now, planning to do a moonlight flit and on to a better life, which I daydream about on an almost daily basis. But I’m so scared, scared I’ll leave and he’ll convince me to come back, or worse that he will hurt himself, scared I will loose my nerve at the last minute and end up in this limbo forever. I would really like a virtual hug or someone who’s done this telling me it gets better!