Boyfriend shuts down and goes cold when stressed?

[Brewandbiccies]

My bf and I have been together nearly a year. It was amazing at the start, he had so much energy and he was so affectionate. We spent our weekends doing fun outings and adoring eachother. He is amazing at listening and offers such good advice for my own problems and has been my rock. But he won't open up about his own problems.

I always knew he had his moments when he shuts down and goes quiet, usually when he's feeling stressed from work pressures or not being happy with his fitness levels. These episodes would only last a couple hours max, where he'd go quiet and just watch videos on his phone for a while and would be fine after a bit.

But recently his bad mood has lasted two weeks, he still has his ups but the downs would come and go. At his worst, we don't speak for hours. When I ask if he's okay he just responds "i'm fine" then I am left high and dry for hours in silence. There is no affection unless I ask for it. I am quite a cheerful person in general with people I'm close to, but I feel like I go back in to my shell when these moments happen. i don't feel as comfortable with him as I normally am. I told him this weekend that i can't deal with his silent treatment. He said he can't help it but that he is sorry. But then it happens again the next day. I am triggered by this due to my controlling ex.

I spoke to his parents and they said it's how he deals with problems, sorting them out in his own head. But i feel that it's unhealthy for it to be this way in a relationship. I want open & honest communication.

I thought we made a breakthrough a few weeks ago when he opened up about his abusive childhood. But the next day he went cold again, which could've been a coping mechanism from opening up, not sure.

I've told him many times that he can talk to me about anything. He just says okay. I don't know what to do as I feel like he is pushing me away and he's not romantic for days and doesn't want to do fun things anymore as the darkness creeps over him.

i'm fed up of sitting in silence but he just refuses to talk to me. i've never been with a man like this before. does anyone have any advice?

Sorry but- My advice would be to leave.
At best you aren't compatible and, due to your past abuse, shouldn't be with anyone who triggers feelings around that for you. Life is too short.

He needs to get himself to therapy.

It's OK to go into ourselves and process things,but it's not ok to not talk to your spouse for weeks whilst you do so. He had to process his own shit. He's not in a place for a relationship right now.

Worst case scenario, this could even be an abuse tactic. Deliberately making you feel unloved. Getting you to run around after him tieing yourself in knots thinking 'if only I could do something to help'. (Out of interest, we're the easy days arguably desirable as love bombing?)

It's a him issue. But it'll become a you issue if you stay. Because he'll break you. Whether it's intentional or, just a product of his own issues.

Time to go.

Ps: the phases of silence and being on their phone may also indicate cheating or looking to cheat. Acting like they've lost interest because thry are already looking elsewhere.

*sorry that should be - were early days arguably describable as 'love bombing?'.

You've gone from one abuser to yet another albeit of a different type but abusive all the same; a not uncommon scenario.

This particular man love bombed you in the early days.

He now needs to become your ex boyfriend. Silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. Love your own self for a change and rebuild your life and boundaries. Enrol yourself on to the Freedom Programme as part of your recovery from abuse and do not date further until you have properly healed emotionally.

I'm with everyone else on here when they say that the silent treatment is a form of abuse, but I'm not sure that this is him giving you the silent treatment?

It sounds like he's just doing his own thing for a bit, having some peace and quiet. He's not "not talking to you", he's just not talking.

Either way, the outcome needs to be the same. If he's abusive, then the relationship needs to end because abuse is never OK. If he just needs to decompress in silence sometimes and you can't cope with that, then you're obviously incompatible and again the relationship needs to end.

Hi OP a slightly different perspective here but I do this - if stressed or frightened I shut down , it stems from my childhood I think. (it’s also likely I have ASD and ADHD)

And I absolutely hate it , I wish I could sit and talk but the words will not come out .

But- my DH knows and he also knows it is in no way a reflection on him or our relationship ( I will still sit with him, and also hug, I just can’t bloody speak!)

So although the posters above say be wary as this could be a sign of abuse I just wanted to chip in from my experience that it isn’t always the case.

I think you have to decide if this is a stress response or a manipulation tactic.

On the face of it (as someone who has also experienced a lot of trauma), I’d find it quite upsetting if I was stressed and having a hard time and I had a partner who expected me to be cheerful and cuddly when I just needed a few hours to decompress and deal with what I was feeling.

When work is stressful or I’m upset with someone, I just want to be left alone and to process things. Talking about everything isn’t the way everyone deals with stuff - and I say that as someone who is generally pretty open and talkative. If he’s had an abusive childhood, I’d also be pretty cautious talking about all this with his parents. Some people need space. A few hours of quiet I don’t think signals an ‘abuser’ unless someone is doing it to be manipulative and controlling. Some people internalise stuff and some people externalise. It sounds possible you may have different coping mechanisms, but yours isn’t inherently better or more healthy.

Sounds like this is his coping mechanisms as confirmed by his parents

it’s not personal to you just leave him to it
tbh trying to get him to talk when he clearly doesn’t want to is like poking a bear

Do you live with him OP?

No i do not i usually see him on the weekends as he works night shifts

Thank you for this, it's interesting to see if it from another perspective. As I've always been close and had a happy ish relationship with my parents I have always been open to talk about my problems but I can imagine it can be difficult for some. I've never been with anyone with trauma like this so it is a new thing for me to learn how to navigate

In my opinion I truly don't think it's abuse. He doesn't go quiet after a disagreement it's usually just random.

I have been with partners in the past who gave me the silent treatment after an argument or after i'd been out with friends etc they would go quiet. So it kind of triggers those past experiences, which is probably something I need to work on myself as there is a clear difference here

Leave him.
You’re walking on eggshells when he goes silent.

He wont change, he will always be withdrawn or private. You can’t fix him or help him through it because he doesn’t think it’s wrong or have any intention to change and his parents enable it.

Basic communication and affection isn’t exactly a high standard. You deserve better.

I’ve not long got out of a relationship like this. It’s destroyed me.

@Brewandbiccies Can you explain in a bit more detail about how he actually acts when he goes through these periods?

I think people are trying to help you but are going on not much info, so you'll get a lot of contradictory advice.

You say if you ask him if he's OK, he just says I'm fine. What happens if you engage him in other conversation. Does he listen, engage back briefly and go back to his phone, or does he wander off, or actively tell you to be quiet.

For instance, my SILs ex would actively refuse to speak to her for days on end when she'd done something wrong in his eyes. If she tried to speak to him, he'd walk off or tell her to shut the fuck up. That's obviously clear abuse.

On the other hand, if my DP has had a rough day in work, she'll take herself off to our bedroom for a couple of hours to decompress. If I go up and ask her how her day was etc, she'll answer but it will be short and to the point, and it'll be pretty clear that she'd quite like me to bugger off elsewhere.

To me, what you're describing sounds more like the second scenario. That's not abuse, it's just a need for space. Obviously if it's happening all the time though it's not a good sign for a relationship, and particularly when it comes to your triggers. It's just an incompatibility though, not abusive behaviour.

I should have probably been more clear!
Yes i'd agree that his response is more of the latter. He listens and answers briefly if I talk to him but is just a bit off. He never swears or raises his voice or leaves the room.

It's just that he isn't his usual cheery self and doesn't smile or engage in conversation first unless I do.

yes needing space to deal with things is not the same as using silence as a control tactic.
Also working shifts will massively impact his mental health as he probably doesn't sleep very well.
If he is a good guy and worth it then look at how you can try not to get triggered from it. xx

Ok, so that sounds like just a normal part of a relationship, at least when it only happens occasionally. People need space and time by themselves sometimes, even from their partners.

However, if it's happening frequently in the early stages of a relationship, then it's not good news. You only have limited time together at the moment, you should be spending it having fun, not sitting on the sofa in silence all weekend. It sounds like your boyfriend is going through something at the moment, and he's probably not in the right place to be building a relationship, particularly with someone as needy as you are right now.

(And I'm not saying needy to be mean. You've identified yourself that your previous trauma has led you to need someone highly communicative about their feelings)

At the end of the day, my advice hasn't changed from my initial reply. Your communication styles aren't compatible, and trying to work round that is likely to damage both of your mental health. Best to write this relationship off.

Have you tried telling him, not asking, not suggesting, but telling him, when you are silently processing whatever it is because it's guesswork time, just don't be here. I can't be doing with passive aggressive none speaking "I'm fine" when you clearly aren't and all that happens is I become none fine as well. So in future just go home. Or talk to me or fake it until you make it but silent grumpiness is not and will never be my problem. Do you understand.

Mine was a bit like this now and again when on night shifts. His body clock will be all messed up at weekends. Only gets sorted by Sunday. Much better now he’s on days.

Although sounds like there’s more going on here. Do you give him time at weekends to himself? Or do you stay together all weekend?

When he is quiet could you go out and do something else? You could tell him you’ll give him some space and come back later? Does he get outside at weekend in the daylight? He’ll need to.

💐

Everyone has their own ways of dealing with life’s ups & downs. Your way is not the ‘right’ way. His way is not the ‘wrong’ way. Nobody is perfect, and we all have our quirks. Some degree of ‘give & take’ is essential in all long-term relationships. So either accept him for who he is, and hopefully he will accept you for who you are, or decide that this issue is a deal-breaker for you & move on.

Yeah the night shifts definitely miss up his routine as sometimes he's not home til 4/5am and he won't switch off til this time even on nights off.

We usually spend every weekend together Fri night to Mon night. maybe it's too much for him but he never says otherwise? On the weekend i always try to get us out and about otherwise i can't cope lol. He seems to want to aswell.

Agreed. Definitely something to think about. Tbh he has not been this stressed for this long ever. So maybe it's just a one off. I think i just have an anxious attachment style cos i just worry as soon as something is 'off'

I think that probably is too much OP.
he has no time to himself at weekends.

Perhaps have Friday night out with friends and give him time to reset at weekends?

It doesn't matter why he does it. Do you like it? Do you want to spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells and wondering when he's going to go into one of these dark moods, and how long they will last, or if they'll coincide with your birthday, a family outing, etc.

He clearly can help it, because he didn't do it when you met. If he had pulled this shit in the first few weeks you'd never have got into a relationship with him, because it isn't acceptable.

If it makes you feel bad, end it and find an adult who can communicate and doesn't use silence to control the mood.

I think you probably aren’t compatible. What annoys you in the beginning is the thing that breaks you eventually.

I behaved like a twat with one boyfriend but literally couldn’t help it. It was the dynamic of that relationship. He was super positive ( even when he was pissed off) and be sulky was a sort of passive aggressive antidote. He’s the only one I ever did it with because my other relationships were based on a normal dynamic of really liking each other.

He's avoidantly attached and you're anxiously attached.

Those two types always find each other.

He suppresses his feelings because he feels shame. That's his shit to work on.

You have shit to work on too. He goes quiet...so what? You need to not take it personally and find comfort elsewhere -regulate yourself, go do your own thing, whatever.

I don't think you're incompatible, but it's going to take work by both of you to close the gap.