Need advice. Should I (28F) try to fix things with my ex best friend/friend with benefits (26M)?

[Tulip282]

A few months ago, I (28F) moved abroad and met a man (26) from my same country with whom I became very close. Since we live nearby, frequent the same places, and don't have anyone else from our country, we became good friends and shared a lot of time together. After six months of knowing each other, I felt that there was a beautiful connection and attraction between us, so I asked him out on a date. He accepted. Later on, at my suggestion, we decided to be friends with benefits.

We continued having “dates” and became intimate. He acted very affectionate, and I assumed he had feelings for me, so I started to feel more secure about my feelings and about "our relationship." I decided to confess my feelings to him. He answered that he didn't feel like he wanted to be in a relationship at the moment. He told me that he was confused (he had never been in a relationship before) and that he did not realize until too late that he only wanted me as a friend. He also told me that when he was with me he didn't feel the same way he felt the last time he liked someone, and that he hated himself for hurting me by being so insecure. I respected his feelings.

He asked me to stop seeing each other privately, but to continue hanging out together as friends. I tried, but my feelings were very strong and I felt very vulnerable, so I told him that, at least for a while, we should stop being friends. We both cried a little, he hugged me and told me that I am beautiful, that I can easily date another man and that he loved me very much (as a friend).

We talked a couple of times after that, and he was very friendly as if nothing had happened. Now, 3 months later, I still have some feelings for him, but feel ready to let go of my romantic intentions and try to be friends. I know it will never be like before, but given that we see each other often, we frequent the same places and that we live abroad with no one else from our country, I think it would be good to have a good relationship and support each other when necessary. However, when I tried to contact him, and unlike the other times when he acted friendly and unbothered, he responded to me very curt and distant.

I know that our estrangement was my decision and that he never did anything wrong by not reciprocating my feelings. Should try approaching him again or leave things as they are?

Step away! Do not go down this road - this way lies pain. Distance yourself, heal, move on. Don't try and have a friendship with a guy who hurt you, it never ends well. Trust me, I am old and have been plenty foolish in my life!

Don't do this.
You're opening yourself up to so much drama.
Leave things be.
I suppose you had a good reason to move to this country, and not to try to interact with people from your home country. So focus less on him and more on building a social life where you are now.

OK, taking all the flowery language out of that for a second.

You met someone you fancied, dated for a while and then you got dumped.

Say it like that and it doesn't seem unreasonable that you'd be hurting. You don't have to remain friends with your exes, and in this case I question why you want to. Are you truly happy to just try and be friends with him, or are you hoping to rekindle something somehow?

I'd let this one go, completely. You were never really friends with him, you were always looking for something more, and that isn't going to be reciprocated.

If you already bump into him lots and see him socially, then you are a friend. Leave it at that. If you want more than that, then you are not being honest and are still hankering after more than friendship.
It's about time you started being honest with yourself. After 6 months of knowing him, you sussed that he'd never had a relationship as he doesn't operate that way, so you purposefully appealed to what you know he would go for and offered a fwb arrangement. That's not really what you wanted though, you just tried to fit in with what he wanted.
He's doing the right thing by keeping his distance.You can't go back to the first 6 months, that ship has sailed.
You are not being honest with yourself now either, you will be over him when you have made good friends with others, have found someone else to date, and stopped chasing a deep friendship with this guy.
It's probably been intense as there is security and familiarity in connecting with someone from the same country. He stands out for that reason. If you had come across him back home, he'd just be one of many men who has superficial shags and never commits and be much less appealing.

Thank you all for your advice. It is always useful to have someone else's outside perspective.

I guess leaving things as they are is the best.

We both study abroad (same university) and I have many friends, but he is very lonely and shy. I know from mutual friends that he doesn't go out as often anymore. Also, before the FWB thing we were very close and emotionally opened to each other, that's how I knew that I was his first "relationship" and that he has a hard time getting close with people.

That added to the fact that I miss our friendship and feel guilty because the FWB thing was my idea (he was a little open to something else at first but I wasn't sure and then the roles changed), made me have mixed feelings and consider fixing things.

However, after reading your advice I realized that there is nothing "to save" anymore. We both made mistakes during and after our brief relationship and it's better to let things go and keep the good memories.

Thanks again for taking your time and reading my story.

He sounds like a big baby, to be honest. It's not good for you to be around someone who, instead of stepping up and confidently appreciating you as a woman, shuffles about claiming to be scared and confused. It's a total waste, but that's on him. You need to fill your life with new friends and new flirtations.

It's impossible to go back to friendship after you've had a relationship with someone. The friendship is gone. Don't chase it.