Anyone successfully had couple counselling in this situation?

[Whatafustercluck]

Dh travels today to see his family on the other side of the country, returning on Friday. We have two dc - a 13yo ds and a 7yo dd. I'm really looking forward to the calm that this will bring to the household. I always miss his practical support, but when he's around everyone is tense and I constantly feel like I'm mediating better communication between him and ds.

He's always been somewhat moody and has quite a negative/ critical communication style. We haven't had the easiest few years with dd in particular who we have discovered is ND (likely adhd). But the more I learn about her, her difficulties and the impact, the more I believe she's inherited it from dh - the main trait being emotional disregulation.

Dh is kind, loving, affectionate and provides so much practical and emotional support to me. We've spoken numerous times over the years about how his communication style makes him a difficult person to live with. He is always reflective, changes are made, things improve for a time, and then we end up back to square one again. He's worse in the winter, and he endured a particularly hard and critical childhood himself and is consequently not close to him mum. I don't want history to repeat itself. Unlike his mum, he will always apologise and accept when he needs to improve something. He tells, and shows, the kids often how much he loves them. But he spends most of our family time together grumpy, irritable, and critical and I know that 13yo ds in particular is finding things hard.

I really don't want a divorce, and I do love him. But something has to change, in a lasting way. He absolutely refutes the potential that he has adhd, but he's read some stuff and admitted that "many of the symptoms described remind me of myself". I've said that, regardless of whether or not he has adhd, and whether or not he decides to seek diagnosis (he won't), the troubling behaviours are impacting on us all. He feels highly criticised and sensitive whenever I broach the subject, but I need him to understand that this isn't sustainable.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and found that couples/ family therapy has helped improve things?

My husband has depression and possible ADHD. We were like you, totally opposite communication skills - but he has now therapy for him and we also have couples therapy and its amazing. We have totally changed how we are with each other as we work individually on ourselves and now together. Worth every penny! Its tough but worth it. Good luck

Thank you. He's told me he won't do counselling. I've told him the marriage is over then. I genuinely don't think he sees how bad things are, how difficult he is. He sulked off upstairs to bed at 9pm this evening for something unfathomable that was everyone else's fault. I'm bored. I'm miserable. The house is always calmer and happier when he's not here.