I want to phase out my " friend " but will still have to see her occassionally ...family gatherings etc.

[malificent7]

Tbf we hardly communicate nowadays but as her mum and my dad are in a ltr we occassionally meet.
I guess I just need to get this off my chest.
Before our parents got together she:
Dated 2 of my exes, laughed about me. ( in front of me) sabotaged a job.
After our parents got together ( 5 months after my mum died) her beahviour was equally weird. Her dd was mean to mine yet she called them cousins ( they aren't,) and said my dd was " horrible" for not wanting to be friends.
Demanded to know why I was distant from her mum and that her mum wasn't after my dad's house ....bored wtiting this now.
Oh ...and she gossiped about the anti depressants I was on to her friend.
Worse...my dad thinks the sun shines out of her arse and is always bangingbon about how talented she is...never encouraged my talent.
Also, she does a tinkly laugh if I confide my misfortunes to her ( I've stopped!).

Anyway as you can imagine...not a healthy friendship. I will have to see her occassionally...how do I act? Plus, I'm desperate to tell her how she's upset me but know there will be epic tantrums. My dh is friendly with her dh so dont want to rock the boat.

She did orhanise my hen do which was nice of her...ill give her thst.

To add insult to injury...i kind of ferl sad to have lost my dad to her...she informed me she will look after my dad in old age along with her mum. Hmmm.

Grey rock. That's all I can suggest. Give her as little information about your life as possible.

It's such a tough situation to be in. Sorry.

Yes...i'm finding it hard.
The fact that our parents date is to do with how enmeshed and unhealthy things are/ were.

It sounds like the problem has resolved if you don't speak much. Perhaps she's faded you out, too. When you have to meet, just be polite. Don't give any more of yourself than you need to.

I guess I'm annoyed with my dad as he can't see how mean she's been...or more likely dosn't want to rock the boat.
Moreover I'm annoyed with myself for allowing her to treat dd and I that way.
I met her after breaking up from an abusive relationship. I was a mess.

She said to me " I saw you and knew I wanted to be friends." Tbh...she is prob like my abusive ex.

She then proceeded to try to undermine me etc. I occasionally get in touch...no idea why.

Be pleasant and polite but otherwise your life is far too busy and exciting to have time for semi-relatives, your life is full.

Or act as though it is - she will be envious probably - be busy busy busy if invites come up and fit in short visits to rellies if you have to.

That sounds really difficult & im sorry to hear about your dad.

I think the best would be to cut all ties with her including during family gatherings - they obviously discuss you behind your back so why waste time communicating with each of them ...? (Point that out if they have a problem)

& just focus on visiting your dad as & when you want to spend time with him (does he have any hobbys/favourite meals you can take him out for ?)

I think my problem is that i'm harbouring a lot of amger towards her and her mum tbh...i think I need to work on that.

She's not your friend really is she, she's somebody that doesn't seem to like you that much. Just be busy as pp suggested super super busy ! Then just see her when you half to.

Wow, that's a lot. I dont blame you.

Therapy might help you find a place to express your anger. In the meantime save her number as “do not answer” and see your Dad separately.

Talk it out in some targeted, professional therapy sessions where you can be clear and honest without having to take family sensitivities into account.

Also does your husband know how she's behaved towards you and how she makes you feel? - hopefully he keeps what you say to him private, however well he gets on with her husband and that he doesn't agree to arrange any couples events where you'd feel uncomfortable. 🌹

Counselling for you. Civil conversations at the odd occasion. Be honest with your father about your reservations and feelings. He may still choose to remain with friend's mum but you will feel better being honest., hopefully he will then make time for your relationship alone and you can keep the family functions to a bare minimum.

Oh sorry have to, not the rubbish I put .

The word ‘friend’ doesn’t come in to this. She enjoyed making herself feel powerful by pulling you down She’s toxic. Do not give her any reason whatsoever to criticise you. Smile and concentrate on quietly developing your and your kids relationship with your dad, shared interests from childhood, trips etc without the girlfriend. Develop your talents for your own satisfaction not anyone else’s approval.

Your dad doesn't want to see it because he's happy in his relationship and if he admits his partners wife is a bitch he jeopardises his happiness. It's not right but I suspect that's what he is doing.

The bits about your friends mum "not being after your dads house" and your "friend" looking after your dad in old age made me feel uneasy. The expression "follow the money" came into my mind. I would not distance yourself too much. You need to keep an eye on her.

It makes me uneasy too but i cant keep her close because of money.

What annoys me is that I told my dad what her dd said to mine " i want to kill you....and throw your body in a bush!"
Rightfully. Dd has decided she dosn't want to know. I didnt tell " friend" what was said as cannot be arsed with ww3 fall out.
" Friend" had a paddy as apparently they are cousins ( they aren't) and her cousin cut her out and it hurt her.
Dad just made noises about being stuck in the middle and about the nasty thing that was said to dd " well friends dd will grow out of it and perhaps they will be close in the future.
Er no...dd, unlike me has strong boundaries and good on her.
Must add that dad's gf tried to pressure my dd into being friends.

Ok so you're not friends, just be civil, distant and tight lipped.

I feel for you as you've gone through a lot but the stuff you've mentioned could look very different from another perspective. Just step away emotionally from her.

However please FRO with the having a paddy stuff.

There doesn't seem much to handle - you already aren't friends, she is the unpleasant daughter of your stepmother. Be civil and neutral when you can't avoid meeting, and forget her the rest of the time.

How much do you need to see them all anyway? I wonder if you could just invite your dad over without his gf and say to him you are still missing your mum loads and would like some quality time with him without rest of family.

There is no need for you to keep turning up at family events - get your dh on your side and just pick the big events you want to go to (or host).

Also just stop engaging with your friend. Just simple smiley-emoticon replies to her messages, and avoid giving her any details.

Over-sharing with new friends and family is not a sensible way of handling relationships. Imagine that everything you tell her is being broadcast to a live global audience and think, would you want everyone hearing this? Probably not.

Talk about unimportant things - holiday plans, what her dd enjoyed for her birthday gifts, that nice pair of boots you just bought.

Make it very light and inconsequential and you take all her power away.

Develop your own tinkly laugh.

If she wants to ingratiate herself with your dad let her do it. And meantime make
sure your relationship with your dad is rock solid. Gently, Ask for any personal effects of your mum’s that you would treasure so if your dad does leave all his wealth to his gf, you have at least not lost the really meaningful things. If he is a good dad he will understand that you feel nervous about what his new relationship means and will forever be mourning the loss of your mum

Sorry if I offended anyone. " having a tantrum "

I think the thing is, dad has hurt me in his own way so i find it hard to build a relationship with him. She is nice as pie to my dad.

She is not a new friend and dad has been with gf for 10 years.

She doesn't sound like a friend, so no need to see her that way...I'd suggest being polite and distant, managing the situation the best you can.

Good plan. I agree she pulls me down. When I got a first it was because it was easy to get a first in my ( science) subject. I was 1 of 3 in my year.
Having said that...my dad tjought the exam was too easy when I got 100% At least my dh and mum's sister are proud of me!