Holding hands

[Gowithyourgut]

Might be barking up the wrong tree here but I would really appreciate opinions all the same..

My husband will sometimes hold
my hand when we’re out. However, like tonight, if we are in the company of other people ( we barely barely know them) , he will
refuse to hold my hand and cites the reason as “ immature “ and says “ we’re not young anymore “
For context, we have been married 15 years, together 23 years. He suffers ED and sex is nowhere near as often as I would like.

I am feeling quite dejected especially as he works away a lot so time spent together is precious. I don’t think he’s cheating on me. He works with men. I can contact him all the time. But it just feels off. As though he no longer fancies me anymore. I think that’s what it is.

I don’t know what to think. I have broached this with him and he says I am just picking on him and causing arguments.
I am a bit worried about all of this.

Does anyone have any advice please.

Hold your hand when in company, what across the table or something?

Why not??? We hold hands all the time and we are old(ish) early sixties.

We even hold hands when watching TV. It’s not forced by either side and I would also be wondering what was up if he refused to hold my hand.

We hold hands when out and about, alone or with others, I like it. Sometimes we briefly hold hands when we're having drinks or a meal, and we go to sleep with my arm around him and he holds my hand. I like it, I like the closeness and comfort it brings as does he, I'm 50 and he's 55 and definitely not immature

Difficult one, I think when & how much matters, however I also agree that it's important, that little things matter when it comes to closeness in an intimate relationship. A podcast with a sex/relationship therapist recently was also on about it, referring to these things as sexual currency. Sadly, she also said the whole concept is neglected by many of my fellow men 🤷‍♂️ I've always regarded them as important, ones that involve touch in particular. From hugs with friends to holding hands with intimate partners, it makes me feel connected to people

It feels natural for me to hold hands with DH, we even do it in bed.

My partner is 68 and I’m 47 and we always hold hands. We’re only together three years though.

We always hold hands but not when we are out with others. We have never discussed this it just seems a natural state for us.

Some people are hand holders, others aren't. Generally, mature couples out and about aren't holding hands. Some are. It isn't in any way a sign of the health of a relationship.

Feeling sad about the hand-holding may be a safer way to grieve for your sexual relationship, which is a more threatening thing to address. Have you been able to talk to him about the ED?

Hand holding is a personal preference.

What is immature is that he can't or won't talk with you about it.

I have broached this with him and he says I am just picking on him and causing arguments.

When he attacks you for trying to start a conversation it is a way of silencing you and shutting down what could be a perfectly reasonable conversations.

What is his problem? Does he shut you down on this way on other topics?

Why can't he talk about his feelings or thoughts with his wife? That is highly strange and immature for a grown man.

He will often close down conversations like this . As much as I love him he will rarely take any responsibility for his actions and I am often blamed for whatever the disagreement is.

I do feel like he makes most of the decisions. I haven’t worked for a couple of years because I have been unwell both mentally and physically whilst he has spent up to eight months of the year away. It’s difficult to say the least.

The ED we have discussed and has been to the GP.
The hand holding thing last night was so odd and we were out, in the dark, walking to collect one of our children from a church group. We were chatting and he was holding my hand until he saw a couple of people from the school crossing the road. Then he let go.
It made me feel like he’s embarrassed to be with me. Yet last week he held my hand tightly for ages as we were in the centre of London and walked the streets.

He tells me he thinks I am beautiful a lot and still
pays me lots of compliments but I think actions do speak louder than words, especially in this case.
It just feels a bit odd.

Your last post has a lot of concerning statements. If you asked a group of women who were recovering from coercive control to describe what it was like they would say things like this:

• He will often close down conversations
• He will rarely take any responsibility for his actions

- I am often blamed for whatever the disagreement is

• He makes most of the decisions.

- I have been unwell both mentally and physically

• His affection is inconsistent - sometimes he is complimentary and at other times his behavior is odd and I can't figure out what is going on.

Coercive control causes lots serious health and mental-health issues for women, this is now being recognise in research as well as by those in the counselling field.

You may like to look at some resources about coercive control to see if this explains the patterns you are experiencing.

I'm 37 dh 40 been together 8 years we hold hands during sex during being out we love this closeness it's nothing to do with being with someone 2 years 3 years or not it's what ur happy with as a couple

Time of relationship is pointless in this I've been with dh 8 years we still hold hands !

Is this a new thing? Some men are shy about holding hands in front of people they know, randos in London aren't the same, particularly if he works in all male environment iyswim