Single parenting - how do I do this?

[Bunbun2277]

Hi all,
just was looking for some advice really (from the single parents out there) as to how you do it.

DS is nearly 6 months. relationship has been failing since the minute he was born. Was almost as if a switch was flipped in DP’s mind where he just decided he hated me. He talks down to me, has no respect, works all day and night (by choice not because of financial reasons) and then goes to the pub every Sunday without fail - usually works on a Saturday if he can help it, hates being home, anything I say he snaps at me, always tells me to shut up or go away. If I suggest days out he tells me to go on my own with DS so he can have time to himself.

i promised myself I’d give it until the end of the year when DS is one, for his sake, but for my sake I just can’t carry on like this. I spend most nights when DS is down sitting in bed crying (or well sobbing) to myself and I just don’t want DS to grow up thinking it’s normal to be in this kind of environment. Everything, and I mean everything, I do is for him. I don’t really argue with DP, I just take what he does on the chin now and save it all for my crying sessions! We used to argue, but it’s a waste of my breath and energy and I don’t like DS seeing it.

But what I’m most scared about is how do I do everything on my own? for example, how do I work with a young baby and afford everything? What job am I meant to do that’s well paid enough to afford things like rent on my own? (The job I had before I can’t go back to sadly as they’ve restructured since I’ve been on mat leave and have found me a role in our North London office and I just can’t get there and back each day as it’s too far from me). how do you cope with other people bringing up your child while you’re working? How do you cope sharing your child? (DP is useless with him but can get pretty nasty when his ego is dented so I know he’ll be fighting for 50/50 custody even though he doesn’t have a clue how to look after DS).

DS’s surname is DPs. I wanted double barrel but was quickly talked out of it - at the time had my rose tinted baby bubble glasses on. Now, biggest regret of my life. House is 50/50 and no joint assets etc so would be as simple as selling the house (which I won’t be leaving until it’s sold) and agreeing on days to each have DS, oh and finding a job for myself of course (ideally would love a job where I can work when DS is in bed so I can still be there in the days - any suggestions on this?).

I wouldn’t change DS for the world, I love him with all my heart but do I wish I didn’t have a baby with DP, sadly yes. I can’t go on being treated the way I am. There’s no love, no intimacy, he just sees me as the woman who looks after his kid, he looks at me in disgust and we haven’t been intimated since the day I conceived with DS, so you do the math on that one. We’re passing ships in the night, he ignores everything I say when I try to make conversation and so we just sit in silence when we do see each other.

ivr always been independent and strong but for some reason, the fear is holding me back. So I just need to know that it will be ok (which I know no one can guarantee).
but anyway, sorry for the long post and hope to hear from someone soon… thank you in advance.

(Oh and sorry if anything I’ve said has offended anyone at all, it would never be my intention!).

Christ almighty seeing the post in the flesh I can’t believe how long it is I am so sorry!!!!

Just bumping this for you
I became a single parent a few years ago but my situation is pretty different so I'm not much help

I’m not a single parent but you quickly adjust to kids being in nursery, honestly.

Shared custody is a blessing as it means you can still have a life of your own.

If he is going for shared custody out of spite, you can bet your arse he won’t actually step up to this even if he wins it.

I had a friend where the father fought in the courts for custody every weekend. He quickly stopped seeming his son at all.

Not sure what your income is but check benefit entitlements as a single parent. You should be entitled for something towards childcare as well.
I have a tween rather than a young baby so no childcare costs. Due to disabilities she doesn't sleep though. I work 20 hours a week over 3 days on not much more than min wage but it's topped up by universal credit. I cut back everything I could when my relationship ended and do things like yellow sticker shop or use community larders but that's more out of habit now. Being on my own and happy but being careful with money is far better than being in a crappy relationship

You break it down and remember that you don’t have to do everything all at once.

Before too long it’s your lovely new normal. I promise.

Good luck.

Honestly, it’s far, far easier parenting without an unpleasant and unhelpful extra adult added in.
Focus on one practical thing at a time, grey rock him in your mind and communication, and your inner strength will come to the fore.

My children and I have a warm, loving, respectful home. I’ve created that for us, and I maintain it. Ex bad-mouthed me to everyone he possibly could and resentfully whinged about being a victim, and that he adored his children…but only ended up really wanting to see them 37 days a year!

I feel for you but for your own sake call this relationship to a close. It is overwhelming but you can do it. Have you a support network around you? Can you talk to someone in real life and thrash out the nitty gritty. You need a plan.

I parent 4 kids alone so I'm sure you will manage with one, in all honestly I wish my ex wanted to "share" the children rather than leaving me to do it all alone, he is fully absent.

Could you move nearer to the North London office and keep the job? You need to move anyway so no point considering the commute from where you currently live. Sounds like he doesn't like you for whatever reason, so tell him you need to sell the house and you want your half of equity. Take that, move to north London area.
Or, plan B move nearer family who could help.

Oh and if he's never looked after DS and works all hours, there's no way he will want or could make 50/50 work. If he claims that, it will be a threat and nothing more. Won't come to anything, not given how much he's already checked out. You are just scaring yourself with something that has minimal chance of happening.

I’m a single parent to three boys. You just have to get on with it. I built an amazing little family and we had a great time. The four of us were very close, five if you count our golden retriever. In many respects things were actually a lot easier being the only parent. I made the rules and I didn’t have a DH to argue with. You find strength you didn’t know you had. As well as raising my kids, I trained to be a nurse. All four of us went to university and did well.

First of all, you can do this. It might not be easy, but you can.

Look into how much UC you will be entitled to. Try some different figures. Working and therefore needing childcare. Working full time. Part time. Not working while baby is so young.

Can you move areas? Close to the old job if it's not too late to keep the job. Or some where cheaper?

As your P is so uninvolved at the moment it's unlikely he'll actually want 50/50. He might threaten it, he might do it for a while. But he's unlikely to keep it up.

How can you trust a man who doesn't want the kids at all, but could legally pick them up from school and take them just to spite you. Sadly happens quite a lot

Anger could be masking depression. But then you will be ok, it is going to be super tough but you will be ok. You need help if and when you are sick. That's the only nightmarish situation that you really have to map out. Everythign else you can handle.

Can you speak to your work about WFH due the commute?

Right OP I was in a similar boat and moved out when my DD14 was 1. Been lone parenting since.

You need to take a deep breath and work out how to get back to work, maximise your earning potential both short term and long.

And know this, your DC will be fine in nursery, in school in wraparound care etc the guilt you think you will feel is pointless because the alternative is you stay in a nasty relationship dynamic teaching your DC all the wrong things.

I became a single parent when my daughter was around 18 months so a little older than your son. I managed to get a small 2 bedroom
House with the money I got out of the relation which I'm still in now (5 years later) I went back to work 4 days a week and claimed universal credit which helped with some of the childcare costs.
My daughter when to her dads initially 2 nights a a week and we've slowly built it up to 50/50. To be honest I enjoyed the break when she began to go to her dads and now I have my life back too.
I'd you search 'entitled to' it will give you an idea of any support available to uou financially.
Your ex will have to pay child maintenance, you can go on their website and work out the amount too.
Best of luck OP, it's hard to begin with but once you get used to it you'll be happier x

Thank you all for your replies. Let’s hope I can be as strong as some of you ladies xx

You aren't alone OP. My ex started treating me with contempt before ds and I had left hospital. As you say, a switch was flicked. I lasted 2 more years. When I said I was leaving he said he wanted ds 50% of the time, so I left DS with him one weekend. He never asked again, and subsequently only did 20 nights a year. With a lot of men it is all talk and stops after the first filled nappy.

You can do this. You will cope.

I didn't have family, but I moved 85 miles back to my home town, and back to the centre of my industry where I could get a job easily. I didn't ask him, I told him that was what was happening. He didn't argue because to take me to court, he would have had to explain why he didn't want 50:50. Why he'd never once got up at night. Why he'd only changed 3 nappies in ds' entire life.

I left as soon as I was offered a job. Rented us a truly grotty but inexpensive flat near the office for a year, found a lovely childminder close to the office (much more supportive than a nursery). I couldn't have done it without her. When we moved in to the flat, DS didn't even notice his dad wasn't there, so little had he been involved.

After 6 months in the job, I was able to apply for a mortgage and after a year we moved again, to somewhere with a reasonable primary school.

Then moved job to be close to the school. Dropped ds at 8.40, was in the office at nine. DS went to afterschool club, and I collected him at 5.45.

School holidays were a mix of annual leave, sharing cover with another single mum and a council holiday club. DS was always happy, never minded.

Key to success are planning & booking everything months in advance. Working for a company that allows the occasional day parental leave. And don't be afraid to ask for help occasionally.

PM me if you need more detail. Good luck xx

If you have supportive family consider moving near them. If that’s not an option look at childcare by your work so you can maximise work time. If ex genuinely will do 50:50 then you could look at compressing hours into days he has dc but I wouldn’t count on someone who works a lot doing much weekday childcare. Going back to work will mean adult company and probably feeling more confident in yourself once you are back in the swing of it.

Have a look at the child support calculator as well and see what he might have to pay you depending on what % custody you end up agreeing. Good luck! Agree with others that it’s easier parenting alone than with someone who’s horrible to you

Hey OP 👋🏻

Just wanted to offer some support and hopefully some pearls of "wisdom?!"

Me and my ex-DH split when our twins were 7 months old, and for the first few months he basically vanished and embraced single life.

I won't lie, it was tough. I don't remember leaving the house an awful lot during that time as my days were spent doing feeds, changes and trying to work out some kind of routine for me and the babies.

What I will say, looking back now, post divorce and house move... was that getting a routine in place that worked for us (me and the babies- nobody else matters right now!) was essential. I somehow got them into a reasonable sleep pattern which meant that my evenings were when I would sit and cry, or strategise about next steps moving forward.

It was, and is still, exhausting being a single parent to young children. BUT I wouldn't trade it in a second to be with a man who made me cry, or who I felt like I was invisible to...

Call it maternal or survival instinct but something eventually kicked in and I knew I had to show my children what a healthy relationship looked like, and if I couldn't, then they were better seeing me alone.

So now, they might see me tired but they don't see me sad.

Accept all the support you are offered, even if it's a friend offering you an hour to sit with DS so you can shower and put the laundry on, take it. It's all day by day and before you know it, things do get easier.

Anything that makes your life easier, do it, supermarket home deliveries, ordering milk on Amazon prime, living in leggings and a t shirt for a few months... you will come out the other side xx

FFS what is wrong with some men?!
Sending so much love and respect to all the single mums out there. You are awesome & thank god your children have you 💖

Your life will be do much better without him op. You have got this xx