Still grieving for what I had, don't know how to move on.

[DontKnowHowToMoveOn]

This might be long, apologies, and thanks to anyone who reads through and replies!

My ex and I were together for 12 years, around 9 of which were great. He was lovely and we seemed like absolute soulmates, we were perfect together, everyone said it. We settled down and had a lovely life. I had a few miscarriages during the last 3 years of our relationship and went off sex, I was depressed i think and the lack of sex was a big thing for him, it caused a lot of arguments and resentment grew. It all went downhill from there really.

Just before the last miscarriage at the end of 2021, we had a massive fight and broke up. I was hoping we could patch things up however I found out that 3 days after we broke up, he'd already went on an OLD site and started sleeping with someone off it. Finding out about that was like a punch in the stomach and it coincided with my final miscarriage.

I was grief stricken and embarrassingly, in my fog of grief and hurt begged him to try again, which we did. This lasted a few months. I fell pregnant during this time, and thankfully, this pregancy stuck and i have my wonderful DS who will be 2 next month. This brief reconciliation between us didn't work out though, we were off and on during the first 3 months of the pregnancy as 1. I couldn't get over what felt like his massive betrayal during our previous break, which i kept bringing up and we argued a lot over (he lied and lied for months and said they'd only slept together once, in reality it was over the course of 6 weeks. It sent me a bit crazy to be honest as I knew it had been longer, he knew I'd found the messages betwen them on his messenger. When he eventually told the truth, he said he'd hidden it to protect my mental health. Secondly, during our brief reconciliation, he kept browsing OLD, which of course, was extremely upsetting, especially seeing as I was pregnant at the time. He said hed become addicted to browsing and that he was just curious; I went a bit loopy over it all and we kept fighting due to it and he said he'd had enough and left.

While I was pregnant with our son, he was dating here and there. Our son was born in April 2022 and my ex stayed with us for the first couple of months or so, 2 or 3 nights a week to "help out". Now and again, he was really affectionate, making out like we were a little family, most of the time he was horrible to me and desperate to get back to his own place to chat to and meet wonen off OLD. During this time, he started chatting to a woman, call her Claire, and long story short, they got together and she ended up falling pregnant after what must have been 6 or 7 months of them being together; the timing looks like their daughter was conceived around our sons 1st birthday. They bought a flat together when they found out she was pregnant and now live together and the child is a few weeks old i think.

This woman, lets call her Claire, he'd met off some hobby group that he'd joined, he'd made friends with her and this other woman, call her Louise. I think initially it was Louise he was interested in, as he met up with her a couple of times and messaged quite a few times, but it didn't seem to go anywhere i dont think she was interested in him like that. Him and Louise didn't really bother with Claire much initially, she was a bit boring apparently, but I think things didn't go anywhere with Louise so he moved onto Claire. She's a bit older than him (she's 45) so I don't know if this is why they rushed pregnancy, the house etc.

Anyway. I just can't get over this, I feel so stuck and think about it over and over. I've been left on my own to bring up a baby/toddler, struggling to juggle my little one, work, everything on my own. He does have him a couple of nights every other weekend but its a real struggle during the week as I work unsociable hours (I'm a paramedic working on an NHS bank kind of contract, so lots of early starts/late finishes which dont tie in with nursery times). We're living with my sister at the moment who has plenty of room but she can't help much with childcare due to her own job, I wouldn't want to ask too much of her anyway. However what hurts is that he seems to have met his 'one' and just swanned off into a happy new life, new partner, new baby, bought a lovely house, while here's me struggling away. It's so unfair.

I'm over him, I think he's a horrible person, however I do find myself thinking back to our lovely times and wishing that I could have that man back. Blaming myself for everything; if only I had had more sex with him, if only I could've got over him sleeping with someone else during our break etc. I wish that I could give my little one a two parent family, as he is a fun dad, and would've pulled his weight, I wish I could give DS stability, both family wise and financially the stability of 2 parents. Instead my ex is happily living this new blissful life with this other woman who's obviously perfect for him and they've settled down etc....it all just really really hurts.

I don't know how to get through this? I feel so stuck. The loneliness, the feeling of being discarded and replaced, the hurt, the regret. I also would've loved to have given my DS a sibling but seeing as I'm 40 and single (with no wish to start dating anytime soon!), that's not something that's likely to happen.

How do I move on? Any advice from anyone who's been through it or just anyone who has any advice in general!

Bump 🤞

"Blaming myself for everything; if only I had had more sex with him, if only I could've got over him sleeping with someone else during our break etc."

OP, with the greatest of respect, what on earth are you even talking about??? This man cheated on you multiple times, cheated on you whilst you were going through a miscarriage, slept with other women whilst you were pregnant, got another woman pregnant shortly after you had a baby.... Is this all you think you're worth? Being some bloke's sloppy seconds?!

You sound like you're spending a lot of time sitting around and daydreaming about "what ifs" and "if onlys". There is absolutely no point. You're wasting time fantasising about a person who you've created in your head because no part of your post makes him sound like a decent bloke, partner or dad. I know it is hard to hear but he isn't sitting around thinking about you. He has moved on with his life. The best revenge you can have now is being happy and content. Don't give him another seconds thought or wasted breath. Find new hobbies, go out with friends, get lots of fresh air and exercise when you can, but most of all, focus on you and your son's happiness. He's only a baby and you won't get this time with him again. Do you really want to look back and see you spent your son's early years pining over some cheating waste of space?!?!

So very sorry to read that you feel stuck and so full of hurt and regret. But please don't reproach yourself, you did nothing wrong. Don't forget your ex was the one that chose not to support you when you were struggling over your previous miscarriages and instead of being loving, nurturing and caring he nagged you for sex! What a horrible man. Then after your split it took him 3 days to get on the dating sites. He really doesn't sound much of a catch tbh, and your further description of him shows him to be a shallow, self serving individual and definitely not worth your tears.
Please don't compare, look at what you have; A much longed for little boy after all the sadness of your past losses. That must mean such a lot!
It good that you have your sister to live with for now, and commendable that you are holding down a really demanding but worthwhile job. Don't compare yourself to your ex and his set up. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. There's no guarantee he is leading a blissful life, you know that he's capable of lies and betrayal. All you can do is co parent with him as best you can and keep being a strong, loving, role model to your little boy. Try to suppress any thoughts of your ex, he really isn't worth any of your head space or moments regret.

@DontKnowHowToMoveOn I know its easier said than done you need to reframe how you think of things. You have anger towards him which is understandable, as you feel he has moved on and met someone really quickly and you are left struggling. However, he’s had a massive head start on you though, he had most likely checked out of the relationship long before you split up. It’s also very common for men to move on quicker whilst the woman actually deals with and try’s to process the break up. You need to try and stop obsessing over his life and what you think he has compared to you because you never know what his life is really like. And the longer you concentrate on his life you are wasting your own. You need to block him and her on any social media, and only talk to him about your son, until you are full over him/ the situation. You also need to look at how he treated you those past few years and that he was looking elsewhere in between getting back with you. You are giving this man way too much energy….you still could meet someone and give your son a sibling but you never will whilst you are more focused on his life rather than your own. ☹️

From an outside point of view, this man really doesn’t seem worthy of the nostalgia! Having multiple miscarriages would have been a very painful time. At that point you deserved a bit of understanding at the very least. He didn’t give you that and the first opportunity he’s off perusing online dating.

Then he gaslights you telling it was once with the woman he met online when you knew didn’t feel true.. He makes the excuse of your mental health being the problem as to why he couldn’t tell the truth rather than just being a liar himself.

Browsing online dating with a pregnant partner…. I won’t have the words to describe that level of hurt.

Then he quickly has a baby with his second choice woman??

The whole thing is awful and now he’s taking up even more of your time while you wonder what you should have done and ask for advice online.

i would suggest drawing a line under his nonsense and not giving him a moment more of your time. You have your lovely son. When you think of this guy, turn your focus to your son and enjoy him rather than ruminating on the past if you can.

everyone deserves to be with someone who really wants to be with them. I hope you will move on and find a relationship that makes you happy and builds your confidence again.

I suspect “Claire” will find out the reality of this guy soon enough……

Also, just to say you did nothing wrong as i am sure everyone will remind you and sounds like you have a great sister!

The impression I got from your post was your relationship was already over when you became pregnant sadly. It seems you both have been through a lot but it reads as though it was coming to a natural end with your partner checking out to go on OLD.
You are missing the good times and are resentful that he's moved on. But you would never have been able to go back to the good times - far too much has happened.
I wouldn't worry about whether he moved on too quickly, that's she's older than him, that she got pregnant quickly. It's all immaterial- he's with her now and you need to forget about what could have been.

I think you need to remove your rose tinted spectacles. You are pining after a man who doesn't exist.

however I do find myself thinking back to our lovely times and wishing that I could have that man back

"That man" did not support you during the lowest point of your life. When you were heartbroken, depressed and living with the mental and physical reality of infertility, he was thinking about his dick. While you were going through your final miscarriage, he was shagging someone else. Then he abandoned you during your pregnancy to have sex with other women.

if only I had had more sex with him, if only I could've got over him sleeping with someone else during our break etc.

You want a man who only cares about his dick? Who only sticks around if he's having enough sex? Who prioritises orgasms over supporting his partner? Who gets straight on his OLD app as soon as you're going through hard times?

he is a fun dad, and would've pulled his weight, I wish I could give DS stability, both family wise and financially the stability of 2 parents

I don't understand this at all. He doesn't pull his weight. He's a parent to your son now and he doesn't do anywhere near enough. He's a deadbeat. He wouldn't have offered your son stability because he wasn't a reliable partner. And neither your pregnancy nor your son's arrival prompted him to pull his head out of his arse and do the right thing. He was still just thinking about his dick. So all your son would ever have had was a mum and dad whose marriage lasted until his dad wasn't having enough orgasms or until mum was having hard times, then dad would have been off into the sunset with his latest OLD victim.

It's so, so hard to come to terms with the injustice of a relationship breakdown like yours. But do not allow yourself to believe that you've lost some great prize to this other woman. In reality, you are free of a low quality, inadequate man, and she's (currently) saddled with him.

"...however I do find myself thinking back to our lovely times and wishing that I could have that man back. "

OP, that man never existed. He hid from you who he truly was, which is a lying, cheating, self-involved scumbag. The good times were a facade. Don't waste any more of your precious time on earth mourning what never was.

You know his new life is all just smoke & mirrors, right? You are "imagining" this life he has. I bet irl, his new gf is realising he's a dick & she's stuck with him. Don't romanticize the past or him. Live your best life.

I could have said something very similar about my ex of 20 years.
I missed what we had at the beginning. It was so special and I thought that especially after 20 years we'd be together forever.
It fell apart because of lack of sex at the menopause - I was feeling incredibly rough at that time.
I think both of our husbands simply were not supportive end of, they were only ok as long as they got what they wanted.
But that's not how a relationship works, genuine love means both parties support each other through thick and thin.
Our husbands were only good time guys.
It was a major flaw in their characters that we did not know about until things got tough.
How could we possibly have known.
I've had to put all my plans back 5 years to catch up and I'm not young.
I don't think we can ever know they are like this until it happens. I feel well rid of mine. I don't want a husband who will abandon me when I get sick or something bad happens.

I can also relate, and also can't get over it. I too wonder "what did I do wrong?" "what does she have?" But I can look at yours objectively and he was fun until it stopped being fun and that's not a relationship. He's a fairweather partner. His new girlfriend will find that out. In the meantime I think maybe counselling as you're ruminating on what could've been and there's low self-esteem screaming from your post. Fuck him.

Thank you all very much for your words of support, it genuinely is helping me to see a bit more clearly.

I know that a lot of my thinking ie blaming myself and putting up with his crap, stems from a very emotionally abusive childhood, something that I want to get counselling for so that it doesn't affect my son.

It's just a worry that someone who I thought was the most decent, loyal, nicest guy (many of my friends said he was "sweet", "lovely" etc when they got to know him also) can turn out to be such a....dick, for lack of a better word. Makes you think that if someone you thought was so lovely can turn out to be like this then what hope do I have for the future if I wanted to meet someone.

Op, what all the others said. But I get where you are and the feeling stuck.

Your ex is a shagger. Doesn't sound like he has it in him to be faithful or loyal. You must see that that is a reflection on him, not you. Tell yourself that 20 x a day until you believe it.

You're very young at 40 and it's almost certain you'll meet someone again one day - if you want to.

There's no rush... keep on healing, you've got your son, your sister and a career - that's a lot of good things.

I agree with this and with everyone else here too, OP. He wasn't any kind of prize. He was and is a selfish sex-obsessed dickhead and a lousy father to his son -- a couple of nights every other weekend, big deal.

You don't really know how happy his current relationship is. 'Claire' is 45 and coping with a new baby (lovely but exhausting) and a man who dumped his long-term partner when you were struggling through a series of miscarriages and browsed OLD sites when you were pregnant. I suspect, when the novelty of a new baby has worn off, she may soon start seeing his real face.

OP, l'm glad this thread is helping. We can all see that your ex was not a good guy and you deserve so much better. From your update l would urge you to seek counselling as soon as possible to deal with your abusive childhood, l'm sure will help you understand yourself and why you feel (wrongly) that some of this is your fault. Its not, it's all on him.

@Gettingbysomehow completely agree with you. My ex husband was lovely whilst I could provide all he wanted (sex and money) but buggered off when I got cancer and couldn’t provide any longer.
It took me 7 years to even start to accept what he did. I just could not grasp that the person I loved and I 100% believed loved me could do this to me.
He was a fairweather husband and when a storm came he was off to his next woman.
So sorry you are going through this OP. Please don’t blame yourself in any way at all. He is not a man who can love properly and so can’t be depended upon. That is the issue and not anything you did or didn’t do.