How to (gently) make my friend realise this guy isn't interested in a relationship with her?

[craycray431]

Just after advice. My lovely friend went through a horrific divorce five years ago. A few months before lockdown she met a guy on a night out - another friend of hers (who I don't really know) was with her, and he was very nice apparently.
Guy she met (C) ended up giving her a lift home and was lovely. although he ended up moving away to a town 4 hours away (his home town) just before lockdown in a pre planned move.
During lockdown, friend and C started messaging and things got a bit 'flirty' apparently with a few sexy (though tame) pics sent by her. She was completely smitten, and when lockdown ended there was still messaging although not as frequent. Friend kept flirting with C, however she was 'too shy' to suggest meeting up in person again (C lived in our city for 15 years since university so comes back a fair bit to visit friends). Although C was flirty back, there was no suggestion from him he was keen to meet up. She, however, kept up with the messaging (50/50 - sometimes she would intiate the messaging, sometimes he would). However still a dead end around meeting up in person.
She ended up near his town 4 hours away one weekend - she was staying with friends nearby; asked if he wanted to meet up afterwards on her way home and initally he seemed keen. However, on the day, when she did the detour to his town, he said was too busy to see her (he had something else on that he'd told her about, but it didn't start to a few hours later).
This was a year ago and they still message - they have a few interests in common that they discuss and still flirt. Shes still holding out hope he will want to meet up and have a relationship with her.
I'm trying to gently hint that he clearly isn't interested in her that way, he sees her as someone he messages occasionally and thats all. She was upset last week as she saw on his facebook he has been to our town twice in the last 2 months for events and hasn't bothered contacting her either time. (She isn't a friend of his on facebook; he has an open profile she regularly stalks).
Any advice? she is a very nice person, wears her heart on her sleeve, and hasn't really met anyone since her ex. I'm trying to get her to move on and focus meeting someone decent, but she seems to think that she and C will one day be in a relationship, even though that will obviously never happen.

it’s not harming anyone
they’re just messaging
he's not misleading her

just leave them to it

I agree with PP, I doubt you will be thanked for your opinion or well meaning advice OP.

hmm I don't agree with people who say leave it - this is a mass level delusion and that is what friends are for! many times over the years I've had friends gently say the truth - and I've appreciated it.

I think you need to do some listening though - take her out for a chat, ask her what she feels she is getting from it and say you are worried she is pouring energy into a situation that is'nt going to lead to the relationship/ warmth and love she says she wants.

She is probably doing this sub consciously because it meets a need in her - to actually have the fliriting without actual relationship because she isn't ready for one yet.

You could also chat to her about whether she has had enough support/ therapy to recover from the divorce.

Her focus on C means she's unlikely to meet anyone else.

It's a really unsatisfactory relationship if she's hoping for more from him.

Wasn't she hurt that he didn't see her when he was in her home town? Doesn't this speak volumes to her?

I think if someone is genuinely interested in a person, they will make every effort with them.

It's painful when someone just isn't into you but you can't spend your life hoping they'll change their minds. It's a waste of a life.

Having said that, I doubt anything you say or do with alter her fixation on this bloke.

@waterrat “She is probably doing this sub consciously because it meets a need in her - to actually have the fliriting without actual relationship because she isn't ready for one yet.”

This is correct. Been there done that 😔

I'm thinking along the lines of @waterrat but just deleted my whole message. 4 years is a long time to be hoping for more when he is clearly just enjoying a bit of attention intermittently. Doesn't sound like he's ever led her on really so I doubt he's aware of the strength of her interest.

Next time she brings up C, I would reflect back what she says and encourage her to think through whether she is projecting too much onto this, and whether it is a good investment of her emotional energy. Perhaps emphasise how far away he is anyway to avoid her feeling belittled, and how someone nearer by would be more available to get to know in person.

I'd have the conversation if the opportunity arises but once it's done, leave it. Fine not to want to enter into conversation about this too much but once you've said your piece and made it clear you're happy to talk about alternatives you can't really push her out of these feelings. It'll happen eventually. Probably when she meets someone in real life.

Thanks all. Yeah i think the blinkers fell off a bit when she was at his town and he didn't want to see her. She avoided him for a few months, then a natural disaster hit his town, she messaged him to see if he was ok, and messaging started again.🙄

Another friend pointed out that if he liked her he would go out of his way to see her, and I know she was really hurt when she saw he had been here in our town and hadn't bothered to tell her.

She does go on dates, usually about once a month but hasn't met anyone she really likes yet. I'm encouraging her to date.

I guess all I can do is listen! I'm just hoping C doesn't suddenly get a girlfriend.

It would be best if he did get a girlfriend to be honest. Then your friend would really get the message.

Yes was going to say I think that would sort this out once and for all. To be honest he may already have one, if he wouldn't even meet her when she was in the area. I wouldn't suggest it but perhaps be prepared for this to come up.

He is very much single according to his social media. God don't know what will happen if he does get a girlfriend . . .. hopefully she wouldn't lose the plot but it would be a good wake up call I think

He might be married/in a long term relationship with someone who isn’t on FB or he just doesn’t mention on his. This might have been the case all along. He might be gay and the ‘flirting’ isn’t really flirting or perhaps is only from her side.

Maybe ask your friend why she thinks he doesn’t want to meet up. It’s been 4 years, as you say - he obviously isn’t interested in a relationship with her. It sounds like she does want one though, but I’m sure if it actually happened she’d only be disappointed bc it sounds like she may have created an ideal persona for him through the snippets of contact they’ve had.

Difficult situation as she’s only ‘harming’ herself really, but like people have said, she won’t nee to someone IRL if she’s focused on mr absent. Maybe advise her to broach the idea of a visit with him again - she can’t be that blind if he refuses to see her again surely?

Does she talk about him excessively? Bring him up constantly in conversation? Does she obsessively check her phone and get depressed when she's not heard from him? Does she turn down other opportunities because she's holding out for him? If the answer to these is no, I'd say she's got false hope, but not to a damaging level and I'd keep quiet. If any of the above apply I'd be gently encouraging her to widen her horizons. Which you can do by encouraging other interests without reference to him.

I'd have to say 'no' for all those questions from my perspective.
Funnily enough ended up having a random impromptu coffee with her earlier today . . . broached the subject of C. She admitted shes been feeling a bit meh about being single the last few years (I always thought that, hence why I want to be gentle with her) - her dickhead ex got remarried recently, to some poor woman hes cocklodging and shes the only single woman in our group of friends. She has a lot of friends, hobbies and great DC that I built her up on, so she left feeling a bit better. She's going to focus on meeting someone available.

Yep. We were both single for a while.

My relationship is pretty good (as far as I know heh)

We were both single for a while (Both our previous relationships broke up around 6 -7 years ago). I've been with my partner for 4 years.