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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sharing pregnancy news to family friend who went through IVF decades ago and doesn't have kids now...

6 replies

Meatballsandpasta · 25/03/2024 10:07

Summary: I've seen a few posts relating to sharing pregnancy news to friends who are also TTC, have experienced loss, etc. I agree that a text makes a lot of sense so they can process in their own time. My situation is a little different and I'm wondering if a text is still the best way or if it might be too impersonal.

Full context: I have an older friend (same age as my parents) who, with her DH were very much in a sort of parental role when I was in my late teens/early 20s. We met through a local hobby club. To the extent that she was my "hobby mum" (my parents refer to her by this title!) and I send her a message every mother's day. My relationship with my own parents ultimately improved, but "hobby dad" had said he'd happily walk me down the aisle if I wanted him too. When they TTC they went on to do 10 rounds of IVF before deciding to move on, and have never had children. We meet up once or twice a year and sporadically text, mostly a sort of "check in" and to arrange our next meetup.

I am now pregnant, due mid November. We conceived through fertility treatment. We're "due" to meet up all together (all four of us) in early summer and I really don't want to get this wrong. I worry that texting, when we rarely text, would make a bigger thing out of it than necessary? But equally I don't know what her initial reaction would be in person and would hate for her to have to pretend to be happy for us.

Bottom line: If I did text, what to say? This isn't a normal "you're TTC too and we got there first" situation.

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 25/03/2024 11:02

Their TTC journey is a long time ago.

And they will know and understand that you are just making decisions about your family.

Can you say something like "you guys are going to be hobby grandparents come November all going well". That keeps them included.

heldinadream · 25/03/2024 11:09

For someone with the honorary title of hobbymum, it may well be bitter, but undoubtedly sweet too. There will be mixed feelings but if you can include them in some way there will be delight. And they'll be part of the new baby's village.
I think I'd give them the honour of an in person communication if you can see them soon enough, otherwise can you zoom them?
Congratulations! Flowers

Meatballsandpasta · 25/03/2024 11:20

@heldinadream they're away for a big trip away at the moment and not back until May, so not much chance of communicating before then. Our current pencilled in plan to meet is for then, or June.

OP posts:
VolvoFan · 25/03/2024 11:47

Their TTC journey was a while ago, they made the heavy decision to give up after great expense, heartbreak, pain and frustration in their time that they've likely scarred over and become desensitised, IYKWIM. At least that's how I am now, sans giving up. There's no perfect way to tell them, so however you decide to tell them, just be gentle and include them.

Goodluckanddontfitup · 25/03/2024 19:24

I am now lucky enough to be a Mum, but there were a number of years of suffering infertility while numerous friends were getting pregnant and extending their families. Hopefully your friends are accepting and happy being childless now, but if it were me I would send a text so that they can process in their own time. There were occasions I was told about pregnancies to my face and I found it painful and difficult, I’d have much preferred to be able to know in advance, process any feelings of sadness or jealousy in private, and then be ready to celebrate the news. Doesn’t need to be a big thing and I wouldn’t make a big deal if the announcement around their past issues, literally just a nice text to share the news you are expecting as you would with anyone.

Meatballsandpasta · 25/03/2024 20:44

Thank you for all your thoughts so far. If I'd had my wits about me I might have said something about starting fertility treatment so it was "on the radar" so to speak, but that ship has sailed now!

OP posts:
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