Looking for some help and kind words please as I am drowning……I am in my 50s and feel like no one in my life really sees the real me. I am the scapegoat in my family of origin and have recently gone no contact with my mum (again) as I realised the family dynamics after training as a therapist and hearing clients’ stories. I realised my Mum was my biggest enemy and had been smearing my name all my life. I was a single mum shortly after I had my eldest daughter and my mum used to have her a lot. At that time I was naive as she was a brilliant nan to my daughter. I now realise the toxic family dynamics and that she just used my daughter to spread more toxicity and made her the golden child. I am certain she has also undermined me to my daughter as my daughter is in some ways an extension of my Mum, with her thinly veiled put downs of me.
I have been with my husband over 26 years and
he has always been a bully from day one of our relationship - very confrontational and treats me like a child. In the early days of our relationship, when we had arguments, he would threaten to kill himself, leave his job so we couldn’t pay the mortgage etc etc. He would also shout, bang doors, throw things, etc. One night, after a family get together, he turned on me and left me in a rural area on my own. I was hysterical and he walked off drunk. I went home and he came in a while later. I was sat on the sofa crying and he kept lifting the sofa up with me on it and slamming it down. He was like this all night until the early hours. Next day I went to stay with my Mum and he was very upset. I went back.
Fast forward to years later. I am getting older and more desperate. My husband is not as aggressive as he once was but is abusive in a different form. He is nice to everyone else and, if we argue and I point out how he is being, he says ‘well everyone else says I am a nice person’. He has a brilliant relationship with our daughter (my ypungest) but has also undermined me to her all her life so she too sees me as dramatic. My marriage has been in trouble for years. I had a crush on someone about 10 years ago and my husband found out. I have never come close to cheating on him but our marriage has suffered even more since. We moved to a lovely home 3 years ago and our marriage had been hanging by a thread before that. Against my better judgement, we moved and my life has been hell simce.
My marriage has deteriorated and I stupidly thought I could live with my husband but live separate lives. We have not had sex for years and I have no inclination to ever again. How can you be intimate with someone who gets in your face, threatens you and demeans you? Plus he has lost trust in me due to my crush. I am very lonely and cry all the time. My husband and daughter have a mutual respect but have no respect for me. My husband has completely disengaged from me. I suggested trial separation and he shut the door in my face. He cannot talk, only argue. What really hurts is he knows my history with my Mum and that my eldest daughter’s Dad was emotionally abusive and he has treated me the same. I have had points wherre my mental health has really suffered and he has been kind then. He goes back to abusive mode once I am ok again.
I feel trapped - we have joint finances and a bigger mortgage now. He has started to be secretive about his money, which he did not do before. My ‘Mum’ sent him a birthday card last year which said ‘you deserve a medal for putting up with my daughter’ and my husband had the cheek to put it up. I feel traumatised, infantilised and angry and shout a lot as I am never heard. He called me narcissistic the other day. I am a therapist and my own life is a mess. Please help :)