Can I tell my partner he needs to lose weight?

[Butterflies878]

NC for this as could be outing.
My partner is someone whose weight seems to fluctuate easily. He also has no concept of healthy eating or portion size etc, which I don’t think is his fault and stems back to childhood.
In lockdown and a period afterwards when wfh, we would go to the gym together at lunch or in commute time. However, his company called them back to the office 5 days with no flexibility which took away this time, and his weight has crept up. He now does zero exercise.
The main issue with this is that it has caused horrendous snoring. I know it’s linked, because when he was slimmer he didn’t snore at all. I’m currently on the sofa having not slept a wink all night because of the snoring. We have no spare room and to be honest even in here I can hear him. I am due to return to work from maternity leave soon to a busy, stressful job that’s very important to our family because I am the breadwinner by a huge amount. I’m worried how I will manage on no sleep. I can’t wear noise cancelling plugs because of the baby.
His weight does have other impacts, I am no longer really attracted to him and we haven’t had sex since our baby was born a year ago. This bothers and upsets me hugely but I would never tell him this part though. I also worry he’s unhealthy when we have a little girl to think of.
I have so far asked him to look into snoring aids which he has done but they haven’t worked. Can I tell him I think his weight is linked? Is this horrible? I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but this is becoming unbearable.

If you approach it sensitively, it’s not horrible at all.

Say that you noticed he didn’t snore when he was exercising/slimmer and you’d like to go back to that so you can share a bed. Add that you feel more concerned about him being healthy now you have a child both in terms of being around for her and he learning good food habits. Good luck.

and HER learning good food habits.

I’m sure he’s more than aware of his weight gain but definitely tell him how bad his snoring is affecting you. Don’t tell him you’re no longer attracted to him, that would be cruel.

Encourage healthy eating and portion sizes at home and see how he gets on. As for exercise, does he have free time at the weekend for swimming or gym sessions?

Of course you should talk about it. As long as you are not being a twat, normal sensitive discussion about personal things like this is a part of relationship. It's not like something out of control like balding. Be factual, don't say you are not attracted to him, discuss effect on you - snoring, and overal concern about health and DC. These are valid points.

People always say "they know they are fat and don't need to hear it". Yes, people know but can be in absolutely amazing denial about the actual size and how it can affect others. I was. Many, many were.

There are many short and effective exercises btw, 20 min and done. But it's mostly food. Just to note- health food does not equal weight loss

Yep, you can talk about it. SENSITIVITY.

I had to tell DH he had a problem. I told him in passing one day that I thought he needed to consider what he was eating. I then completely dropped it for a month or so and let him mull it over.

Then we sat down and went over it.

Turns out he hadn't kept tabs on how much he ate and when I gently listed some examples, he understood where I was coming from.

It's taken a couple of years to tweak diets. I also changed how I eat and we did things together, so he didn't feel uncomfortable.

Definitely have a word with him. Approsch the snoring issue as the main factor but also say you’d like both of you to be fit and healthy for your child.

It’s likely he needs a kick up the arse. I am fat (due to currently being 4 months postpartum) and i feel absolutely disgusting, and go on about it all the time and have asked my DH for time to do more exercise. Doesn’t sound like your partner is planning anything.

Are you able to offer help in terms of allocating him time for exercise and making healthier meal plans at home?

I would definitely mention it, or else what’s the solution long term? You’re forever no longer attracted to him and can’t even share the same bed as the snoring is so bad?

He’s not made of glass ! I actually think your being unkind by not having that conversation ( in a loving way ) have you lost the extra that comes with pregnancy? If not then you can talk in ‘we’ . Iv put on at least 2 stone and now snore probably twice a week . I use those strips that literally tape your mouth shut ! They work a treat . My husband has also crept up in weight , but not to my extent . We’ve just got back from a very foodie holiday. He ask d me how I saw our future? What I wanted for this year ? He said he wanted to get back to a good weight as it isn’t good to carry this extra . Something clicked in my head , and getting healthy and strong suddenly became a family goal not a diet that to me sounds like a punishment! Iv joined one of those quick circuit gyms (35 min and you’re done ) and we eat very sensibly Monday to Thursday. It’s very early days , but mentally my head has clicked . Maybe frame it as healthy and strong to be active parents who set the best role model for your child ? If all else fails tell him that when you return to work , the nights are on him as you can’t do it all , as his snoring is a choice he’s making by not addressing the chub . Good luck , remember that every pound he puts on is even more for him to lose … have that conversation! X

It’s kind for you to tell him. It’ll be impacting his health. I’d approach it from the angle of being healthy as a family and teaching good habits to your child.

I am due to return to work from maternity leave soon to a busy, stressful job that’s very important to our family because I am the breadwinner by a huge amount

You need to sort this. I’d tell him directly but with sensitivity. I’d lead with the snoring, explain why you think it has happened and stress how important it is that you can sleep. He needs to take this in hand. If he refuses, then he’s selfish and in denial, and he needs to be the one on the sofa.

Similar with my husband but he knows it's an issue. He has joint pain so I approached it that way - i actually said "what do you think is causing it" and he said "my weight obviously" so he had bought it into the open which made it easier. Could you try something similar with your husband. Mention the snoring and say, have you got any thoughts on why it has got worse? I am sure he must know.....

I am trying to cook much healthier meals for all of us as is my daughter (she and I do probably over half of the cooking) with more vegetables, as like yours my husband does tend to eat big portions, so at least I try to make sure it's loads of veg rather than loads of chips! I asked him what would help and he asked me to stop buying biscuits and crisps which I am happy to do as I didn't really get a look in with them anyway! If I buy treats for my daughter on occasion I give them straight to her and she keeps them in her room, as he would not go in there (she is not his child).

Fortunately I am still very attracted to him regardless of weight (I always found bigger guys still quite fanciable - I like a dad bod!). It's tricky if you don't because I don't think you should tell him, but equally I don't think you should have sex if you don't feel attracted as that is bad for both of you......

Hopefully he will resolve it and you will start finding him sexy again. Good luck!

I feel like in other countries they openly discuss weight but here it's seen as an awful thing to ever mention someone's weight.
My DH is slightly overweight and we talk about it. If I was overweight I wouldn't mind him raising it. I know he'd only ever do it out of concern, not to put me down.
I'd approach it from a health perspective - how can we make changes to get healthy, let's eat better, let's do a bit more exercise etc.

Snoring isn't related to weight gain. You can talk to him about weight, cutting down, doing more exercise.

It's not the only cause, but it absolutely can be a factor, I'm not sure why you're saying its unrelated? Especially in cases where you have a bit of extra fat around the neck weight gain can contribute to snoring.

Also, snoring often means you're not getting good sleep, which makes weight gain more likely, so it's a real viscous cycle!

I don't think it's a banned topic OP, just needs phrasing sensitively as other PP have suggested 😊Maybe include some other things that don't include weight (eg sleeping on his side) and/or don't include him (eg you want to eat more healthily yourself)?

Get him to join a gym or sport club. Because, quite frankly, 'going for walks' isn't going to do much unfortunately. Also, please don't get the hump if he is spending hours exercising (so many threads here).

Firstly record his snoring and tell him he needs to sleep on the sofa as it's keeping you awake. If he won't then wait him up every time takes you up. He needs to understand it's his problem, currently it's nit affecting him so why would he do anything about it.

Hopefully once he realises that he needs to solve this problem he will try to lose weight. Perhaps he will ask you to help and support hum. However personally whilst I will support this type of thing in my DP I won't 'own' it and do all the leg work, it needs to be driven by him and he needs to responsibility for it.

Thanks everyone. That’s really helpful. To be fair, he will go and sleep on the sofa - when I can wake him up! The issue is I can still hear him!
I’ve suggested we eat healthily together before, and on the face of it our meals at home aren’t bad. In the office he’s eating huge meal deals from Greggs or McDonalds and he will do things like buy a bag of cookies and eat half before I can get one! I miss our more active wfh life together.
Lots of good advice here so thank you.

Yes it is, it’s been proven many times.

Hey I would frame this as a health concern. I
have had to do the same with my obese husband and it was hard but it has changed our lives. I said I was worried as we both know we want to be there for for our 2 girls for as long we possible and I thought his weight was making him miserable and he missed excercise and being active.

He was diagnosed with sleep apnoea got a CPAP machine. This led to him having more energy and being able to hit the gym.

Improvement in sex life followed naturally.

Good luck.

OP, regarding your husband's unhealthy lunch choices at work, it's a difficult one because of course there is a strong argument to say he is a grown man and needs to sort this himself....

However, you obviously love him and want to help him, so I am going to suggest a few ideas you could do, NOT because you are a woman and it's your duty to mother him, BUT because you love and care for him as your equal partner....

Are you a better cook/more creative with food ideas/ more organised than him? If so, would you consider either making nice lunches for him (maybe if you make them for yourself at the same time?) Or purchase some nice ready made sandwiches/healthier ready meals he can microwave at work - whatever would work?

I guess it would be helpful to work out WHY he is going for the McDonald's/Greg's option - is it the quickest and easiest? Or is he stressed at work and comfort eating?

To give an example, I was trapped in a cycle of eating biscuits and junk at work because I was basically trapped at my desk and had no time to go and microwave the meals I wanted to have like rice or couscous (and not keen on cold salads/sandwiches all the time). So my husband bought me one of those thermos flasks for food? I can microwave food in the morning and it stays pretty much warm till lunch. Some warm rice or pasta gives me the comfort food aspect I needs which previously I was getting from chocolate or crisps....

It's all about the why I think. But you can't find that out unless you can find a way to discuss it with him, bless you. Hope it works out - it does sound like you both really care for each other.